update...

[teachmom]

Well, first off is the lupus part. I'm pretty officially flaring. My knees are REALLY hurting. I am so fatigued that I can't see straight... My Sjogren's is also acting up...my eyes are red and feel like sandpaper. I called my doc yesterday and had her call me in some sleeping pills. Don't know what she is giving me.... said she'd call in some "real" sleeping pills just for the short term. I hope it also helps my nasty headache.

I went in this morning and filed the restraining order and also got temporary custody of the kids. I have no idea what my life holds. I NEVER wanted to be in this position. I just know my kids can NEVER again witness what they did.

Amy

[Gagirl2]

Amy
Oh my goodness. Bless your heart!!! Do you want me to come over there????
:angry: I will be happy to help. :flowers: No wonder you are flaring. :(
All I can do is let you know I am here to listen. (((((((((hugs)))))))))
Cindy :flowers:

[amysgarden2]

Amy,

What a terrible time you have been having!

I had a terrible first marriage too and thought that it would be so hard alone but it was SO much easier. All the decisions were mine- there was no one to throw away the last of our money on a motorcycle or get arrested. The STRESS level dropped WAY down (after the first few months).

I was able to move back in with my parents and their loving support helped me out. Also, moving out of our home and selling it kept me from reconsidering things and "taking him back".

When things seem hard to do alone or when he wants to get back together- focus on the bad times and what it would do for your kids to see this all the time!

I thought my kids would be scarred for life but they are doing great and rebounded well once things calmed down.

Their father should calm down over the next few months and after a divorce may turn back into a nicer guy once this is all over.

Try to be strong- the next month will be very hard. GATHER all the support you can. Can you get a family member to stay for a while?

Amy

[gladm]

Hi Amy. I am sorry to hear that you are flaring. The stress of the situation is now starting to take its toll. You have made the right decision for both yourself and your children. I am proud of you. Hang in there, and take care. love gladm. :angry:

[carrie]

amy i am glad about the order,but did you talk to your doctor?
i hope things get better soon.
waiting for you in chat

[confused1]

Amy, Thank goodness you've taken steps to make yourself and your children safe!!! Be strong. You have friends here (and I'm certain you have friends in your "real" world). Feel free to send out a whine, dump or whatever. I've got waterproof shoulders and lend them out frequently. Blessings to you, prayers to you, all my good wishes to you.

Sunny

[Sannie]

Hi Amy

Goodness what a worry.

Keep strong and remember we are all here for you.

Take care.

Love
Sannie

[teachmom]

Hi!

I'm having problems with the d*mn system... The judge signed off on everything, but did not hand write our house address on the form so the sherif is saying they can't make him leave tonight. I may have to go back to court... It is really wearing on me...

A

[marybri]

Hi Amy

Stay strong, it WILL get better ((((((hugs)))))

Luv
Maryxx

[grace2]

Hi Amy
Wish there was something I could do to help
YOu know we are here for you sweety!
take care! Love Linda

[RosemaryP]

Grrhh Amy, officials and their blindness LOL. You are doing the right thing, deep down you know that, it is hard for a start, but in the long run, it is the best decision, you will find that. Peace of mind is going to improve your health too.

[carrie]

AMY i so hope you and the kids are safe
let us all know

[hannah1986]

Hiya Amy I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time with everything :( I hope everything will get better for you soon:flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
Hannah

[Wendy337]

Amy, :flowers:

Hang in there & be sure to call if you need any help. We're all here for you.

Wendy :love:

[hope4us]

:( Hi Amy. I am so sorry to hear about what is going on. The main thing is to make sure you and your children are safe. Just wanted to say that I will be thinking about you. A friend

[Pandora]

I'm very glad that you have taken those steps, Amy. Judges! :wacko:

It will start getting better. :flowers:

[Wendy337]

Hi,

I know everyone has been worried, so I just wanted to pass along that I heard from Amy this morning. She said everything went fine last night & the kids are doing as well as can be expected. She is at work today.

Just thought you'd like to know...

Wendy :love:

[gladm]

Thank you Wendy for the message about Amy. love gladm.

[teachmom]

Today has definately been less stressful, but the high energy of yesterday also left little time for my mind to wander. I had to go through a lot of steps to get to last night. I had planned to be in my house, but when the court order fell through I decided to spend some time at my friend's house. She and her two girls are out of town until sunday so we had some time to ourselves. The kids had lots of questions as dh had told them that he wasnt' going to get to see them anymore. Both kids had some tears, but my 9yo son totally and completely fell apart over losing his game boy at school yesterday. I'm sure it was more about everything going on.

I did make a big slip though... I had thought they had seen their dad try to choke me so I tried to explain a little that he wasn't making good choices and he let his anger get out of control so I wasn't safe staying there anymore. I tried to avoid telling them that they aren't safe because if he gets visitation, I dont' want them to freak out. They both were really shocked that he had tried to choke me and they seemed to understand more why we had to leave. Bedtime was a little hard because they were out of routine, but hopefully I'm doing all I can to make it as O.K. as it can be.

I loaded an entire van full of stuff together in about an hour and a half. Including clothes and food etc. that we might need. I had a grand total of ten dollars in my pocket... Dh cleaned out the account. Fortunately my dad will help and I've figured out a way to get a check that is due to us from an auto accident $650 as soon as tomorrow. It is scary when I know I don't even have enough money to fill a prescription...

It is really hard to take things one day at a time...BUT, I don't really have a choice. I will look at today for today.

Amy

[Dnabella]

AMY!

OMG I soooo need to connect with you...I am emailing you my phone number please call me collect tonight..you poor poor dear! I cant believe this has happened and I am her for u!

Please Call me!

[RosemaryP]

Thank goodness, someone can help you Amy, and do contact Donna, it is good to hear a friend's voice, you need it at the moment.

[MILLMILL81]

:luck: hello amy
am sorry you having a ruff time I hope you feel better soon well take care
mill :flowers:

[TenderHeart]

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))Amy am so glad you have done this. I know it will be hard. And alot to deal with. But by what you have said it was a step in the right direction. Am so proud of you!! . Wish I could do more but know my thoughts and prayers are with. May you find the strength to carry on. You have all of us here backing you up and sending positive vibes. Hang in there......Keep us posted. Hope you feel better soon. Am sure this stress has set off the flare. Hugs Love Reta

[pennylp]

Hi Amy,

I am so sorry, I did not know that you had left..... I have not been on the computer the last few days.. I have been real sick.....

I am so sorry to hear you have been going through such bad times...... you poor thing......

If you need to talk I am here for you.....

Love Penny (Mariea)

[birdie]

hi Amy

I am so sorry about what has happened to you and the children, but things will get better and as someone has said children do bounce back, it is just us who take the time adjusting to everything, but the main thing is that you are all safe and well. I hope that your flare soon dies down along with the stress levels and that you start to feel better soon

Take care and my thoughts are with you all

birdie (Debbie) :flowers: :flowers:

[frono]

Hi Amy,
I have been through what your are going through now only my child was still in the oven (that made things alot easier i'm sure). i stole his car and left in the middle of the night, i don't think kylie or i neither one would be alive today if i had not left. i had no money, no job, nothing and a baby on the way, i was very scared. but here i am, still alive, doing ok financally, and have a wonderful husband, beautiful daughter, and 3 dogs. i know things are very hard right now but i assure you, you did the right thing and you'll be ok. if you need anything at all e-mail me and we can talk. i know there are a million things going through your mind right now. just always remember how strong you are for getting this far. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[teachmom]

Last night was helpful. We had a quiet evening at "home"/my friend's house (She and her two girls are still gone until Sunday night). I made dinner and we watched t.v. and ds and I fell asleep around 7pm. He must have been exhausted because he didn't even wake when I moved him. I had to awake him this morning. My emotions are all over the place. Today when I was getting dressed, I looked a mirror to check again for a bruise since I hadn' been able to really see at home (high mirror over the sink). I have an oblong bruise about four inches long by about two and a half inches... I need to get someone to take a pic for me.

Amy.

[Gagirl2]

:wave:
Hey Amy,
Stay strong! I wish I could help...........I will pray for you and you children.

:) :flowers:

[RosemaryP]

Amy, and this is one time you do not really want a photo taken. I remember my first husband always tried to take me out when he had blackened my eyes! I was a fool for putting up with it for so long.

[teachmom]

Life is so incredibly complicated... UGh!

I went to pick up my kids yesterday after school and the after school program director pulled me into the hall to say that he had shown up to see/get the kids. He went up to Alyssa (my 6yo) and bent down and put his arms out to her. Abby the teacher she was by said she needed to go inside so Alyssa turned to him and said pretty blankly that she needed to go in to get a drink. The director came out with the restraining order papers and told him he had to leave. He appologized up and down saying his lawyer had said he could visit them there. I am pretty sure the lawyer probably did say that because my lawyer had said something to the effect of when he does get visitation, what is a way that he could pick them up without seeing you...

I felt horrible for Alyssa to be in that spot and I also felt really bad for him. It is hard because I keep talking to people who have spoken to him and I guess he is a total sobbing mess. He keeps telling everyone how wrong he was and how he needs to get help and how he is willing to do anything at all to make it work. I keep wavering back and forth. Part of me thinks deep in my heart he is incapable of changing problems we've had for years and part of me feels really mean to rip the kids away from him. I also wonder if I'm strong enough emotionally to get through all of the mud slinging that will come. My friend Lisa gets back from her trip tomorrow evening with her two girls. I know that it will be harder then because she lives in a small duplex and we'll all be on top of each other.

I was running around today trying to do some errands etc when we stopped... I was trying ot get the van sliding door closed because dh had screwed the molding on inside the van and the screw was too long and went into the track which makes it not open/close right... I was trying to close it when I smashed my little finger on my right hand totally closed in the door. Ds had to open it up for me... It was gushing blood and I walked into the store we were at and the woman asked me if I needed a bandaid.... I really needed a valium or something more at that point, but she did have some paper towels. The bleeding stopped and I didn't have to have stitches. It is probably broken at the tip, but I went and bought a finger splint so I'm not sure much else can be done... My main concern at the time was not passing out in front of my kids. Also not letting them know how bad it was... Makes typing REALLY hard...

One of my friends did try to take a picture of my leg, but you can't really tell...

I did find a place I could possibly rent starting in June. There is a duplex for rent down the street from Lisa. The rent is $900. Which isn't cheap, but isn't horrible for here. The bad thing is that since we have had our house under construction for so long, we have nearly no furniture that is worth anything at all... Basically, I'll be totally starting from scratch.

My head is still spinning. I keep telling myself I can do this on my own... It seems pretty overwhelming at times.

Amy

[RosemaryP]

Amy one word of advice, yes your husband does need help, but do not waver until he has had 12 months of help, if you go back now, it will get worse. Take the word of a old hand at this, I know it is hard, but peace of mind is far better than living in wait for the next outburst.
Churches and relief agencies will help with furnishing under the circumstances.

[teachmom]

It is much easier being on the other end of getting help... I never realized how hard it would be to accept help. I worked my own way through college. I was determined to make it work... It is hard now because I'm in a situation right now where as hard as I try, I can't do this all on my own financially. When dh cleaned out the account, I think it was also to try to take away my independence... He has had 100% control of the money for some time which has made me feel really helpless and trapped.

I appreciate SO MUCH everyone's kindness and emotional support.

Thanks!

Amy

[RosemaryP]

Amy when I first had to accept home help, I felt terrible, but I had known for a long time I just could not do a lot of things.
Accepting help from other people or agencies is hard, but after the first time it will be easier.
DH cleaning out the bank account thought it would force you to come back to him for money, it has not worked, so hang in there. You are doing well, though I do know it is HARD.

[pennylp]

Hi Amy,

Please continue to be strong and listen to Rosemary.... He will not change overnight.. This is just an act.... He may think he can, but he is sick and needs a lot of help.....You can do it....I know you can....
Just think in a little while you will learn to relaxe and you will start to feel better..... Please keep that chin up, you can do it....

Love Penny (Mariea)

[raggedyann1]

Amy,

You know you have my love and my prayers. Rosemary is right about 12 months of help for the dh. If he really does want to make it work then he will be willing to go get help.
As for accepting help from others, I can totally relate. Because I am currently unable to drive, cook or clean; I have had to learn how to accept help. The strangest thing I discovered was how willing people are to help me. For almost 3 months now my friends have been driving me places and bringing my family meals. You will suprised how blessed you will be when you allow others to help and you won't feel so alone.

love,
Karen

:flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:

[teachmom]

Today we went to church and saw my neighbor from accross the streeet...She started telling me about how upset dh was about the visitation mix up etc... I am sorry that it happened, but I really didn't want to hear about any of it. Tonight my son told me that the boy from accross the street from our house told him that "daddy wasn't going to work anymore." Thomas had been wondering what he was doing and Alyssa said that she thought he was probably crying. Unfortunately people keep saying that in front of the kids. I am getting really peeved, because it is just plain cruel. My neighbor accross the street who I had been pretty close to seems to be siding with dh. I don't really get it. Tonight I worked on my form to complete for filing for a divorce. I know dh keeps waiting to see if I'm filing... It would almost be more humane to just file and get it over with. In addition, I need to find out if I'm responsible for bills he runs up now... I have a list of things I need to get from the house and a list of questions for the lawyer... It seems hard for me to believe I haven't been gone for a week yet... My stomach is a total mess...

Amy

[RosemaryP]

Amy you should not be responsible for the bills he has run up since you left.
Of course your stomach is a mess, and your overall health is affected by all the strain that is going on.
If your husband has stopped working, then he has no intention of getting his act together for the family.
If former neighbours start talking in front of the children, stop them, and make it quite pointed why you are stopping the conversation. They will take up eventually.

[carrie]

hi amy
thinking of you all the time.
rosemary is right,please dont go back.
i know what it is like being controlled, for me he built up the control gradually so i didnt really relise it was happening. then when things went wrong i kept having him back as i belived i couldnt do without him.
i have now been on my own for 6 months, and i can cope, i wont pretend it isnt hard cos it is. but i feel so much better in myself. he left me in debt, but ill cope.
YOU CAN TOO

[teachmom]

Tonight I spoke with my neighbor... she is definately siding with dh and thinks he should be able to see the kids whenever. It also came out that her son told my son that I am brainwashing him by buying him stuff to make him want to stay with me. (he has heard that somewhere)... In addition, that is insane because dh cleaned out the accounts.

I turned in the paperwork for my lawyer to file for divorce today. I will also go back to court tomorrow to redefine that dh needs to be out of the house. It is too hard for us not to have our own space... I will stay there until I can get my own place in June...

I just keep praying that I'm doing what is in God's plan. I know He can't want us to be in danger...

Amy

[RosemaryP]

I hope you told that nosy neighbour that you had had no money for DH has cleaned out the bank accounts. She would not have believed you anyway. Amy you are going to find out exactly who your friends are and you are going to find some new ones from surprising areas, in other words people that you had not classed as close friends, they are going to be a BIG help. The other rat bags are not worth worrying out, ignore them.

[carrie]

amy IGNORE what is said
the main thing is that people who matter knows the truth

[lupie lou]

:o :o OMG AMY :o :o
Amy i new this was coming for months, but i feel so bad i wasnt here for ya :( i was in hospital at time im so so sorry :( :( Fred needs his balls chopped hun, and ya done right move ok, and im very very proud of you :thumbs: its gonna be hard on you and kids for a while but you will adjust in time ok,lots go alone with there kids and things work out fine.The kids will addapt in time.You just have to try and be strong and not crumble, i no its easy for us to say but ya be supprized were we get the strengh from when we need it.You no im here when ever ya need a chat ok and iv missed our nightly chats and ill catch ya at work,if ya aint got ya pc at mo?
:love: :flowers: are for ya ok :love: :flowers:
I will never understand men while i got a hole in me backside? but amy ya must remeber NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!! I found this one out meself as ya no? please take care ok and tell thomas and alshia i will send some songs when ya get sorted ok and give them a hug and say from aunty lou in england :love:

love ya amy ok and take care my friend lou xxxxx :love: :love:

[teachmom]

Last night Thomas got all teary and told me he missed his home. I think once Lisa and the girls got home (and we are crammed into a tiny bedroom with only a twin bed the kids are taking turns sharing with me,) reality set in. I know we can't stay there another six weeks.

In addition, I went to pick up Alyssa yesterday from the after school program and the teacher said she had gone to the office and taken a long nap. I'm trying to tell myself that she is just stressed, but it could also be a seizure... That is what the pre-school first noticed when she started having complex partial seizures at 3yo. She has been almos seizure free for two years and is supposed to wean off as soon as school is out. With all of the med problems when she was overdosed they put her back to a REALLy low tegretal level. All I can do is to watch and see. (and pray).

Amy

[teachmom]

Oh, by the way, my friend has a computer and I was able to down load msn messenger onto it... so I can chat and get my e-mails.

A

[RosemaryP]

Amy I am sending you my MSN to add to your list.
Once you and the children have a home again, they will settle down quite quickly, children are more resilient than we are, thank goodness.
Alyssa was probably just plain tired with the stress of everything and needed the nap.

[teachmom]

Tonight I talked to my dad again about loaning me the money for the lawyer retainer fee and the deposit on a place to live. When he found out that the retainer fee was $2000, he went off the deep end and lost it. I told him that I didn't know what else to do and that I didn't want to get a lawyer who wasn't very good and risk losing my kids or having dh get shared custody (which is REALLY common here). He didn't begin to even understand. It seems like I get over one hurdle and there is another even bigger.

Ugh! I'm tired of it all! :( :angry: :wacko: :huh: :cry: :angry: :(

[jewel877]

Hi!
So sorry to hear of your financial problems re your wish to get a good lawyer so as not to "risk losing my kids or dh have shared custody which is REALLY common here".

Are you looking into getting child support and what is entailed with that? In my town it is thru the D.A.'s office and it took quite a while so best to get the wheels turning. Much better thru the D.A. than directly from dh!! I hope you do it for the sake of the kids, thats why they call it 'child support'.

Also look into Legal Aid for advice. My city has a 'Family
Custody Services Mediation" service thru the county. It is free and required by all who choose to go to court for divorce. Can you start networking? Wish I could help!
Best, sue :love:

[AmandaB]

Hi Amy,

I've just been reading through your posts - jeez you've been having it rough! :o

I'm really sorry you're being dealt such a bad lot at the moment but despite it all, you sound pretty determined! I'm sure you'll get through it :(

I'm afraid I can't offer any words of wisdom as I've never been in your situation, but I'm thinking of you and I hope it all works out as quickly as possible.

:flowers:

Amanda

[teachmom]

OMG...

I didn't think things could get worse, but they have...
When I packed up to go to Lisa's, I couldn't find one of my journals... Well, as my suspisions confirmed, dh had taken it. He took it in to a therapist and had them call my pain therapist at the U. Now he is trying to use the depression and self-harm related things aggainst me to take my kids away... I feel like my life is crumbling around me. I had felt like things were hard, but I'd get past them until this. This is the reason I had stayed so long... I was afraid he would use stuff aggainst me. I am feeling like I would rather get beaten and screamed at than to lose my kids... My greatest fear about journaling was that someone would read it, but at the time, I was really trying to just work on me.

[Pickles]

Amy,

I am so sorry about your situation. I live with a controlling husband too but thankfully we don't have kids. Please, DO get pictures of the bruises. If you don't, it will be your word against his. You will need the pictures to prove the abuse. Have you changed the locks? Also, you may want to get one of the neighbors, not the one on dh's side to look out for you when you're not there, just in case he comes back and tries to get in or something. My husband has hit me twice in the face right in front of his son who was around 23 at the time, His son did absolutely nothing!!!!!! After I got through screaming at the top of my lungs at husband and threatening to call the cops and put him behind bars, he hasn't done that anymore. Please take care of yourself and the kids, I wish I could do something for you to help you out, I just hate to see people suffer because of someone else. :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:

[Daisey]

AMY,
I WAS IN YOUR SITUATION BEFORE. THERE ARE ORGANIZATIONS THAT HELP WOMEN THAT ARE IN YOUR SHOES. THEY WILL HELP YOU NAVIGATE THE LEGAL SYSTEM AND SOMETIMES HELP PAY FOR YOUR LAWYER. THEY CAN EVEN HELP WITH A RENT DEPOSIT AND GROCERIES. I WAS VERY BLESSED BY THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME THROUGH THOSE ROUGH TIMES. ALSO THE DRUG COMPANIES HAVE GRANT MONEY TO HELP PEOPLE WITH MEDS IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THEM. I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU. I WILL KEEP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN IN MY PRAYERS, AND THAT YOUR HUSBAND GETS HELP. BE TOUGH WHEN YOU NEED TO BE AND TAKE TIME TO CRY. LOVE DAISEY :flowers:

[jewel877]

Amy,
I really doubt that your personal journal entry's will be admissable. You are clearly a good mom and that is what counts. Believe me, the court is interested in what is in the best interest of the children. For dh to take the kids away from you there would need to be tangible proof that you are harming the children physically or withholding important medication or food!
He is desparate and will sling whatever mud he can but he won't be able to keep the kids...trust me the court sees mud slinging like this every day of the week and will do what is in the best interest of the kids. You are a good mom and if it makes you feel better get character references to have on hand!
Hang tough, this is just the beginning, network and find support locally.
Best,
sue : :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

[Wendy337]

Hi Amy, :wave:

I don't know what email address you'll be at tonight :huh: , but I wanted to let you know that I sent you some $$$ via paypal to help out as I know Fred has cleaned out your bank accounts & you are really strapped. Please check your bank account to make sure you received the money.

Hang in there - I know it's really tough right now, but remember you have friends in Iowa & friends here who care!!! :flowers: :flowers::flowers:

Love, :love: :love: :love: :love:
Wendy

[RosemaryP]

Wendy...Thank you for helping her out. I have been talking via MSN to her today, and can help via the net only. Having been a abused wife somewhere along the life many many years ago, I have been through all of this. The mental abuse is worse than the physical abuse. She is at home tonight, and I have persuaded her to drop the children somewhere ove rthe weekend and go and do something for herself, so she mixes with other adults, which she needs. She has been isolated a long time.
With us all working on her :D her overall health will improve. :love:
Thank you Wendy. :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:

[Clare.T]

I am not going to be too popular here but wouldn't all this be better off forum and discussed in private ?

It's all getting very personal and detailed ( meaning identifiable ) and is of limited general lupus interest and I really don't think talking on a forum about sending money to individuals is a good idea at all for reasons I won't go into, but the more experienced forummers among you will know exactly what I mean.

There's a forum especially for domestic abuse on mgh Braintalk communities - type that into google.com.

Sincere best wishes to TeachMom
Clare

[Sannie]

Hi there

Well, the moderators are going to be unpopular too Clare now that I am adding this post!

Having discussed this thread with other moderators, we agree that this thread should now be closed.

While we are extremely sympathetic to the personal and domestic problems of participants we feel this thread had gone beyond the scope of a forum destined for lupus support and information.

We would like to remind participants that soliciting of funds for any purpose or even the appearance of so doing is not appropriate on the forum.

If you wish to continue to support teachmom we suggest you contact each other and teachmom privately using your e-mail and/or MSN facility.

With Best Wishes
The Moderators