Trying to get pregnet

[Chavez1417]

Hello, My fiance and I are trying to talk the doctors into letting us have a child. I am 17 and he is 21 We plan on marrying next year when I turn 18 but I was wondering how long it took others to get pregnet how long they had to be off their meds and what they tried. :love: I also have D.V.T which make it hard I have to be on blood thiners but there heprin and lovanox so I was just wondering if I could get advice from people. Thank you
:cry: [COLOR=purple] It would be so helpful if others could tell me how to go about talking to my doctors. :nurse:

[Clare.T]

Hello Chavez
You will have to get an expert opinion on your individual case, high risk ob/gyny perinatologist, working with your other specialists.
Speaking generally, the risk these days for Lupus/APS pregnancies with the best most up to date treatment compares very favourably with healthy pregnancies.

You and your fiancee will have to discuss the pros and cons in your case with your doctors and consider your other circumstances then make your own decision. You need to find out why they aren't encouraging you.
There are many articles about APS and lupus and pregnancy on line. If you are throroughly informed in a general way and as regards your own health situation it will make it easier for you to have a realistic discussion with your doctors.,

It is not too good having to think in terms of talking your doctors into letting you do something, anything, let alone such a serious decision as whether to start a new life or not.

If you have reason to think that your doctors aren't giving you the best advice, then seek another opinion. Some doctors aren't up to date
All the best
Clare

[loopiegirl]

I SECOND THAT!

I couldn't have said it any better than what Clare T. had to share. I agree with Clare that you and your fiance would benefit to do some research, to have discussions with your doctors about all the circumstances that can arise from having a child if you have lupus. Get all the information you can to make a decision that is right for you both for where you are at presently in life.

Each persons case in trying to get pregnant is different because each persons health problems are so varied. If you are serious about getting pregnant or find yourself pregnant then it is incredibly important to work with a team of doctors -your rheumatologist, ob/gyn, and perhaps a hematologist for example- to make sure they see you through to have a healthy pregnancy and that both you and your baby are monitored and not at any risk. Ideally it is better to be working with them PRIOR to getting pregnant so they can help design the best way to proceed.

Take care.

[Chavez1417]

Thank you so much for responding to my articale. :D I have been trying to find doctors who deal with lupus and D.V.T. but so far have not found one. Also my fiance -Marcelo and I have been talking about having a child since I got sick. I understand the responsabilitys it is but I would rather know I could have one now and take up the chance and not wait untill I am 30 and have them tell me no. If you understand,. Well I have a class right now I go to my local community college and my next class starts in 10 minutes. Thank you for your help. :love: Angela

[Clare.T]

Hi Chavez
My point is that it should not be a question "of them telling me no", but a mature decision based on information and understanding of everything involved.

In my opinion and speaking generally, the right age for anybody to embark on the enormous task of bringing a child into this world and bringing her up for 20 years is when the woman has experienced life as an independent self reliant adult, trained, educated, capable of earning her own living and in theory giving another totally dependant human being as much emotional and material stability possible.

A person with a very serious health concern has further considerations- possible loss of one income, continuing access to adequate health care, a support network or ability to get and afford help.
I don't know anything about you and your fiancee apart from what you have said here but note that you have not been able to find an expert doctor for whatever reason and don't seem all that well informed about your illness. If you start your own thread in the Seek a Doctor section asking about docs in north CA you will certainly get some replies - several people here are from that area, but they are not going to be looking on an old thread about a different part of the country.

It isn't about what *you* want but what you can reasonably expect to be able to offer your child. As things are, you said you have difficulty getting out of bed to go to school sometimes.

In a few years time it is very possible that treatments will have advanced enormously. Understanding of APS and pregnancy with this condition and lupus is progressing by leaps and bounds.

I cannot understand your urgency. It seems to me foolhardy.
I am not being facetious in suggesting you try taking care of something as if it were a baby. Make a list if its material needs and consider how you would afford it.
This will give you an idea of the physical commitment involved and the impact it would have on your daily life. It is very hard work even for well mothers and involves considerable self sacrifice.

All the best
Clare

[bananawear]

Hi - I also second what Clare has said. My situation is very different but I am 38 and do not have children. I was diagnosed with lupus only 7 months after getting married at 32 and my ex and I divorced a year later. At the time of my diagnosis my Dr. told me that my disease would need to be completely under control before I considered having a child. Then she explained to me that if I were to consider getting pregnant after my disease was controlled, I would be considered a high risk pregnancy and would have to work with an OB/GYN who specializes in high risk cases and also a neonatologist who could care for the health of the baby. You may want to consider discussing your case with a high risk OB who can give you the direct answers you need to hear about what is involved in a high risk pregnancy.

I notice you live in a somewhat rural area and you may want to consider going to Sacramento or UC Davis to find a Dr. who is very current on the health risks involved in your special circumstances. You may need to consider if the appropriate care is available to you in your area. It is also a good idea to consider your support system that you have to help you through your pregnancy and with raising your child, ie; if you are not feeling well one day who will be available to take care of your childs needs?

Take good care - Chris

[Karen J]

Chavez -

I know how it feels to yearn for a baby. I went through some difficulty trying to conceive, so I understand that feeling.

Look, I have daughters your age - and older, and I know we don't know eachother, but I'll say to you what I would say to them - please forgive my candor -
I don't understand what the hurry is for you. You're seventeen - you have many years ahead of you for babies. Your health is first and of foremost importance, and you need to be really sure about the person whom you want to have a child with. It is a huge life decision. Please think very carefully!

Take care and please discuss this with your DR's, and a close friend or family member whom you really trust.

I wish you luck
Take care
Karen

[Chavez1417]

Thank you for your replys, they mean alot to me. Marcelo and I have been together for about 4 years and plan on marrying next year. I know I am young but like all teenagers we think we know how the world is run. But you have to give me credit I have not gone out and had a child. I am researching as they say the pros and cons that can come with being a parent. I have tried to go to UC Davis but the doctor I saw was a crack up and didn't even know anything about D.V.T. and he was sapposed to be the best...Funny though because when my parents and I went down there he didn't even know why a person who has D.V.T. would be on coumadin. So needless to say my parents and I left, I don't understand why I can't find a good Doctor. :nurse:
As for my education I plan on doing two years and the local community college and getting my AA in Veterinarian Tech. which means I could work at a Vet clinic while still in school. I have thought about my future, this is why I am on this website to have people who know tell me things and act they a mentor..Thank you guys. With Lots of Love :love:
Angela

[bananawear]

Angela - I am curious to know what type of specialists you are seeing? For DVT you would probably want to see a vascular surgeon, my friends mom has this and thats the Dr. she sees, I asked her yesterday. And for lupus you would want to see a Rheumatologist. If you are seeing something other than these specific types of Dr.s, your conditions may be outside of their specialty.

Just one further comment, you are saying that you are planning to get married(you have been engaged since 13 years old?) Go to school full time, and work at a veterinary hospital, and have a baby all within the next year? All of this while dealing with a chronic and potentially life threatening illness that is not under control as of yet? You mentioned your parents taking you to the dr. in Davis, where are they through all of this? You are still a minor and they should be actively involved in your health care. Just take one thing at a time, rather than trying to accomplish everything right now.

You keep mentioning that your Dr.s are not well informed about your diseases, is it that they don't know or just that they are not telling you what you are looking to hear? If you keep going to Dr.s and they are all telling you the same thing there may be at least some merit to what they are saying to you. And again, why aren't your parents/family intervening in your health care? I would certainly never encourage anyone to continue going to a Dr. that is not meeting their needs but if you are shopping around trying to find a Dr. who will give you "permission" to do the things you are seeking to do in your life, your medical needs may never get met and that needs to be a priority.

OK I'll get off my soap box now -

Take good care- Chris

[Clare.T]

Hi Angela
There are many possible causes for the condition DVT. It is not classed as a disease itself even though the treatment MAY be roughly the same whatever the cause. Here is an article about possible causes.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/415086_3

You will notice that there are a number of genetic conditions that can cause DVT's ~ I think you mentioned that you suffered a genetic condition presumably a blood clotting disorder, but when I asked you what it was you said you didn't know.
I suggest you find out. This might have an important bearing on an eventual decision to create another life

I am prepared to eat my hat and grovel in apology, but I find it very hard to believe there is a licensed practising doctor of any sort in the western world who has not at least heard of DVT, given how widespread the condition is and the current emphasis on heart disease, causes and prevention and all the talk in the newspapers about it.

Even my half demented 85 year old mother had heard about it and she knew nothing about medicine whatsoever, practically didn't know which end to put a thermometer in. I mean which end of the thermometer.

If you are talking about anti phospholipid syndrome, that is another question
Many doctors are ignorant about this as it's only been identified 20 years.

It takes a lupus specialist to know about it. From what you have said your lupus isn't being treated right now.


I think you should read through all the posts on this forum to see what people with lupus are suffering, the enormous challenges they bravely face day to day the toll that even with the best treatment this disease can take on people and their families.


Your husband is not very fit from what you say and there is a 33% statistical chance that your own health will deteriorate after childbirth meaning there will be either a serious long term deterioration or a flare.

Take very good care

Clare

[Chavez1417]

Hello again,
OK, well the drs. that I am seeing are not telling me the same thing, its always different everytime I go in to see them. That for one gives me concern on whats going on with my med records. I do live in a remote part of Cali and the only good drs. people can see for speaclaties other then cancer, and heart problems are all 250 miles away. L.A. and San Fran are the only two places that I could go to see a blood spealists. My parents aren't really there I mean there insurance pays for my medical bills but that is about it. They give me no moral support, they don''t understand and sometimes even make fun of me. Calling me Mutant because I am different from everyone else. Marcelo and I have been together since I was 14 which is 8th grade and now I am turning 18 in the next couple of weeks. So we have been together for a while but not seriously engaged since the past couple of months. I got sick and had to go the the hospital for my D.V.T. and when I got out he propossed.
Going to school full time, and working at a vet clinic are all in the next couple of years. I am going to school right now, no big deal. Having a child is just talk I do wish you all the best and do understand that it is hard, and you must be strong. I don't remember the the generic jean I have because they have told me only once, and now they don't even say that, that is what coused my D.V.T but that lupus did so I honestly don't know. I really need to see a speacialist but its were I live that is the problem.
Alot of drs. too have heard of D.V.T and that you have to be on a blood thiner to take care of it but alot of them don't know how you can get it. The first couple fo drs. I saw said I got it because I was on birth control but I was only on it for 2 months and the dr. who did my surgeries and is a speaclist from down south said the sizes of my blood clots were too big to have come from 2 months. That is when they did all the test on my for lupus, generic jeans, also giving me differnet meds. Warifin, Heprin, Lovonox, as of right now though I am not on any meds for my lupus because my doctors aren't worried about it, becuse they can't get my INR levels down to a goot level. This is why I am fusterated with my Drs. and just wish I could find a good Dr. who knows and understands what I am going through.
Thank you once again.
Love
Angela :love:

[bananawear]

Dear Angela - You mentioned that you were using birth control for two months when you were 15. Are you still using some form of contraception until you get this all sorted out so that you dont encounter an unexpected pregnancy while you are still ill? Especially while taking medications/blood thinners, this could be very dangerous. You should also be discussing your birth control methods with your physician - and also be certain that you and your partner have committed to be monogamous (eg; you are not having any relations with other people) until you get this sorted out. You would not want to have to deal with an STD on top of everything else you are trying to cope with right now.

I know several people who live in the San Andreas/Angels Camp area and they all go to Sacramento for their medical care because there is just not the technology available in more rural areas where the smaller population cannot support it. You may also want to consider counseling - I have gone to a wonderful counselor for many years dealing with the effects of my illness - this is a person who deals with chronic pain/chronic illness and has been a tremendous help to me. If your family is teasing you and making fun of you for having an illness - you definately need to talk to someone who can help you deal with those feelings. You may also want to consider that the idea of having a baby or having someone to love you unconditionally will not replace the love and acceptance of your parents. I learned that a long time ago. I am 38 and my parents still dont accept my illness or my accomplishments, but there are other ways to find fullfillment in your life!!

Good luck to you - Chris

[Chavez1417]

Hello,
No I am not currently on birth control because taking birth control and blood thiners don't mix. Well I have tried to get counciling but everyone up were I live charge and outradious amount for about what only an hour a week. I don't really think I can afford that right now. I don't take mds for my lupus and having a baby is not because I feel that no one loves me but the real truth in it is that I don't want in the future not to be able to. I do get scared and look at the things that I still have to look forward too and having people who have been there as helped me. Drs. are also a problem because I turn 18 here in a little while I have to go on Welfare/Med-cal and alot of speacilists don't take it.
I have only been with one partner, and don't plan on having anymore then that right now. I know what you mean about getting a STD on top of everything would not be any good. I also am engaged which makes it somewhat real. We have never broken up and well I hope it stays that way.
I don't really now what to do, that is why I am doing my own research right now. By the way were do you live? Just wondering you said you had friends down south maybe you could get some doctor info for me..Well I guess its later days.
Thanks
Angela :love:

[loopiegirl]

Angela,

Please look into the hospitals up in Sacramento. I am familiar with the Central Valley area because I went to college in the area. Sacramento is a large enough town (small city) to have some qualified doctors for you to see. I'm not saying they will be the best for you, or ones you'd be happy with, but I believe there should be at least adequate facilities there to help you out. There is Kaiser, and Sutter Health of many others.

Whether you are going to have a baby or not in the near future is not the real issue, I am more concerned with your current health problems. It sounds like you have not had enough time with doctors to help you figure out the best possible action to take for the DVT and lupus.

Becoming pregnant under the best of health conditions is already a burden to your body, going through so many drastic changes in such a short period of time, but to undergo pregnancy while you have an existing chronic condition adds more things to work through, it requires careful planning with your doctors.

Please don't think that I am trying to disuade you from your plans, far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. But please consider getting a full check up, including blood work to determine where you are with the lupus and DVT. Once it's been determined that you are healthy enough then you and your partner can go forward with whatever you guys feel is right for you both.
Take care.

[muncheez]

I dont really have any advice because i am only 20 my self i can wish you luck and hope that if it is possible for you to have a baby that you do and that you get the best care possible and that i know what you are going through someday soon i would like to have a baby so i will pray that you get throught this situation hope to see you in chat sometime.
Sincerly, Muncheez

[Kaley]

Oh God, this is such a difficult subject. Angela, I give you full credit for doing research, for looking for mentors, for realizing you need to get your medical care straightened out, for having career plans, and for staying with the same guy for a long period of time. Please realize that even if YOU don't plan on sleeping with someone else, if HE does sleep with someone else, and then has relations with you, you still could get an STD. Just want to make sure you are aware of that.

You have gotten some tremendous life lessons in the posts written by Clare and by Bananawear. I expect you might not recognize the value of some of what they said until you are older. That is not because you are doing anything wrong; but just because that is how the aging and thinking processes work. Take some time to re-read what they have written. Try to make a list of some of the lessons or points that they have made. They both, along with everyone else, have made some excellent points about things you need to consider.

You will want to know if you have a genetic problem BEFORE you get pregnant. If you have a gene that you might pass on, you could be asking for so much trouble and stress .... and you might flare .... and it sounds like you wouldn't have enough money .... I don't want to repeat everything the others have said, but just urge you to consider each piece of it, and not to read the whole message as one "sentence" from "so and so" and then move on to the next. I want each thing everyone has said to really sink in for you.

As far as your real fear goes, that you have to do it now (have a baby) because you don't know what the future will hold .... well, I did the opposite. I kept waiting for it to be the right time, for me to be married, for me to have enough money, for me to be healthy, for me to have energy, for me to be old enough .......

and it never happened.

any of it.

And it is the great grief of my life. But if I was alone and on welfare, and had lupus and had a baby with a genetic condition ..... well, that situation would be the great problem in my life .... and might be the great grief of someone else's life .... like the baby's .... You never know. You just don't know what God has in store for you. You don't know what will happen. I have seen the most amazing miracles and the most horrible and scary things happen to my friends over the years .... and to me .....

So I am in no position to give you advice. If I had it to do over again, I don't know what I would do. On the other hand, maybe I am in every position to give you advice .... I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it later on .... and I STILL waited, because I DIDN'T WANT A LITTLE BABY TO SUFFER DUE TO THE FACT THAT *I* WANTED ONE NO MATTER WHAT .... so I waited. I was SO considerate of the potential baby's life, that I refused to be selfish and have the baby right away. That refusal probably saved a child from suffering and also saved me some additional problems. It also means I was so willing to not be selfish that I knew I would have to deal for the rest of my life with the grief of no child.

And I have no baby.

And the blessing of it is that I have no suffering or sick child that I feel miserable for, have to care for, or have to pay for. For this, I am grateful. I would never want to extend my suffering to another, let alone to a little innocent baby.

And I cry because I have no baby.

And I rejoice that I have no baby, because I could not care properly for a baby the way I am right now.

And I cry because I will never have a baby.

And I am relieved ....

And I cry ....

And this whole subject is SO difficult.

And writing this took all my "spoons" (energy) for now. You will do what you will do. But the people that have been in your place before you have certainly given you some excellent things to think about and to RESOLVE and PLAN prior to planning a pregnancy.

All the best to you,

Love, Kaley :flowers:

[Maia]

I understand wanting to get pregnant - and can even understand fearing if you don't do it early then you may not ever be able to have a baby. But I also worry that you aren't thinking everything through. If you can't afford therapy for yourself despite apparently believing it would be very helpful for you, and worry about getting a doctor to accept medicaid when you turn 18... then how can you afford a baby within the next year or two or three? Will high risk ob-gyns accept medicaid? Bottom line: my advice is to wait at least 5 years. Get your degree, get your own doctor situation figured out, get your health improved, let both you and/or your spouse be finished with school and have gainful employment with adequate health insurance, and THEN have a baby.

Even if you wait 5 years, you'll only be 22. That is still young by today's standards to be having a baby. The biological clock doesn't even BEGIN to count down until age 27!

[LadyLupebug]

Hey there Angela,

I am also from Northern California (near Sacramento). I have had Lupus SLE since I was 14 years old (I am 21 now). It took me a hospital stay of over two months to find the right doctor... but I love her! :love:

I also have APS. She works with my coumadin clinic to find the best solutions for my care.

Do you have Kaiser? Would you be willing to look into Kaiser as a solution?

Dr. Miller-Blair in South Sacramento is one of the best doctors I have EVER been to. And I have seen a lot!

The coumadin clinic is also in the Kaiser (So.Sac.) therefor making it much easier for them to exchange information regarding my case. I live in Stockton which is about 45 minutes away, so I do my blood work here and the results are sent to So.Sac.

If you are interested or need any information feel free to PM me anytime.

:thumbs: Good Luck and Congrats!
-Danielle

[Chavez1417]

Thank you so much ladybug I would love to get more info from you. I am trying to find speacialist who does understand what I am going trough and not just site in the room with me and ask me how I feel and just pretend to write notes. I only have a few secs. to write but after my class I sure will write more. Thank you so mush once again and
all of you others thank you for your advice, this is why I am asking questions and not just going out sleeping with multiple guys and getting preg.
Love
Angela :love:

[Chavez1417]

Ladylupebug- my first question to you since I got back is what is Kaiser? Is there any real information you could give me about Dr. Miller-Blair if so I would not mind driving down south to see them.

Maia-Its not that I can't afford therepy I am on private insurance right now and if my parents find a speacialist then I am going to stay on there insurance. If I don't find a doctor who knows and understands Lupus,/D.V.T. then I am going to go on Medi-cal, Affording a baby is not just going to be up to me see, My fiance and I once we get married next year have incomes, I work at our local wall-mart and he collects disability and because he is Mexican and we have a mexican tradetion of living with your elders his mother lives with us. Also with my health, its not that I am that sick with lupus my doctos now don't have me on any meds, so now sideeffects, but the only meds I am on is for my D.V.T and if pregnacey is in the near future then there are blood thinners for expecting mothers who need to take it.

Kaley- My fiance have been together for 4 years and not once have we broken up, so honestly I don't think he as sleeped with anyone while we have been together, also I think his family would beat his butt if he did. You see he is mexican and in a true mexican family your girl is everything, so I don't think there is a worry for STDS. Clare and Dananawear are there for those people who have questions like me, even though some of the things I don't understand I still thank them for taking time out of there lives and answering me. My genetic problem is not a dominante jean so passing it on to my kids is not a highly chance of them getting lupus but maybe there great great great grandchildren. Money is not an issure you see if we do decide to have a child we concedered his SSI, My job, and his family help, also me going to school I get extra grants for having a child Not making that a primary reason we want one. You wrote that you potentialy saved a baby from a life a pain and hardship but, what about you? How was your pain and hardship? I mean I undertand what you mean about being selfish and wanting a baby. But what if God wanted you to have a child? A healthy child you never took it up to your self and see maybe just because your sick dosn't mean you child would of been sick. I dont' mean to hurt you but that is the question that was in my mind when I read your post. I have one more qestion, Are you alone? I mean are you married?
Thank you and hope to hear from all of you again soon.
Love
Angela :love:

[LadyLupebug]

Angela,

Kaiser Permanente is an HMO provider. With Kaiser, everything is under one roof, which makes things like blood work and perscriptions a lot easier.

You can read more about it here: http://www.kaiserpermanente.org/

Dr. Dana Miller Blair is my rheumatologist in South Sacramento. She has handled my case for about three years now. She saved my life about three years ago and I have been with her ever since. She really knows her stuff.

I hope that helped.

Always,
Danielle
:highfive:

[Clare.T]

Angela

I sure am not going to argue with God , who does not confide in me yet :lol:

Nor am I going to be drawn into an argument with you.


You will have to make up your own mind at the end of the day , as somebody else said.

We have all put ourselves out, time and energy which many of us are very short of, to help you with considerations and viewpoints and suggestions , facts expressed with sympathy and concern, doing our best not to be judgemental although in questions of this sort naturally what we have seen of life in general, our own experiences and beliefs affect the advice we give in such very personal issues.

You started off asking about pregnancy and lupus, with a side of how old a woman should be before getting pregnant, but in a later post on this thread I believe you said that all this about having a baby is just talk.
Sorry if I got this wrong but I was so surprised I read it several times ! So what is all this discussion about then ? I'm not sure it has anything to do with a lupus forum.

I also feel that you have shown yourself pretty insensitive to some of the members who replied to you and confided in you ( and a few thousand other people) about their very difficult personal decisions, by seeming to question the validity of their decisions.


Nobody has "told" you what not to do and nobody is going to "tell" you what you should do, except as far as being better informed about your health and getting the best possible medical help.

My views are based on what I have seen of life but in particular on my own unplanned pregnancy, although a wanted child, that put great strain on the early days of our marriage as we were very hard up indeed. There were no health issues involved but the difficulties made me ill from stress and stopped me being as good a mother I had envisaged, although I am sure I was a good mother by any standards.

I was incapacitated by depression and anxiety, incapable of looking after our son and frantic at the idea that he might have to go into care if I didn't get better.

If we had been more careful that one time, I suppose parenting would have been easier and the child would have been happier.
I dread to think what might have happened if I had had serious health issues. We were not poor enough to have qualified for state benefits of any sort.

As it was we had a great deal going for us, excellent educations and good prospects although no readily available family help and have made it through 37 years. I was 23 and my husband 24. We had known each other about four years before we married.

My other experience has been with a close family member who made a very ill advised marriage, although she herself was adamant she would go ahead with it despite all warnings and strongly expressed misgivings.
The husband's family was as good as nonexistent.

The couple then had a lot of sheer bad luck, so after only a few months they were both without jobs, penniless, with a tiny premature baby who then fell very ill with an infection, potentially life threatening or with serious long term consequences.

This sort of trauma causes break up even in the most stable of relationships and brought this marriage to a very speedy end, so the mother is now a single parent having to work full time and is too exhausted to give the child the sort of care she should have in the fullest sense and to all intents and purposes fatherless.
This family is also ineligible for welfare benefits.

These events couldn't have been foreseen- they were sheer bad luck but the conception of the child at that stage in those circumstances was very irresponsible in my opinion and will have enormous repercussions on her life and on the mother's of course.
Children deserve the best possible start, although what that is depends on each family

Had it not been for relatives who are able to help them out although very unwillingly, they would be destitute & on the street so to speak, dependent on welfare, with all that implies.

All this is to let you know why I have the opinions I do about your proposals.
However optimistic, encouraging, romantic and starry eyed I would like to be, grim realities inform me.

It is just my opinion - take it or leave it, just as people do with any sort of advice given on this forum.

I sincerely hope that all goes well for you ~ we do have to take risks in life and we each have to decide what ones we can take according to our circumstances, needs, resources, personalities and beliefs.

Nobody can do that for you.

All the best
Clare
:luck:

[Kaley]

To answer your question, Angela, I am single. I never got married, which was one reason I felt it was unfair to have a baby. I wouldn't have been able to share it with a husband, nor would the baby have had a father. It would have been a lot of work for one person, and I didn't have enough money. I didn't think God wanted me to have a baby by myself. And that was BEFORE I even knew I had lupus!!!!!

It still hurt to read what you wrote. I think the ultimate act of being unselfish is when you consider everyone around you far more than you worry about your own feelings. The last thing I need to do right now is wonder if I did the right thing!!!! I would go looney.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever your decision is. I think waiting five years and getting things straight with the doctors is the best idea, but we will all do what we do. Each time you post, it seems you have thought out some other thing we didn't know you had thought out.

On the other hand, you say you didn't understand everything that Clare and Bananawear wrote to you about. That alone is reason to NOT have a baby yet!!!! If YOU don't understand some of the valuable life lessons they are telling you about, how can you possibly be in a position to guide and mother a baby and help that baby to learn life's lessons .... lessons you don't understand yet?????

I think that is the bottom line of what everyone is trying to point out. As Clare said, no one will tell you what to do, they will only give you their feelings and/or opinions. Or their experiences and how it worked out or didn't.

You say you value all of us as mentors. People that get the best out of their mentors are those that LISTEN and carefully consider what their mentors are saying. Let me repeat part of what Clare just wrote, since they could just as easily be my words:

"We have all put ourselves out, time and energy which many of us are very short of, to help you with considerations and viewpoints and suggestions , facts expressed with sympathy and concern, doing our best not to be judgemental although in questions of this sort naturally what we have seen of life in general, our own experiences and beliefs affect the advice we give in such very personal issues.

.......

I also feel that you have shown yourself pretty insensitive to some of the members who replied to you and confided in you ( and a few thousand other people) about their very difficult personal decisions, by seeming to question the validity of their decisions."

This is EXACTLY how I feel. You are ONLY 17. You have years and years ahead of you. TAKE the valuable advice from those of us who are in our 20's, 30's, 40's, and more, and use it to BETTER your life.

No one wishes you ill. But you can't do a good job in raising a child if you don't hear what other people are saying .... how will you teach your child??

Do keep us posted. We are only trying to help. And in this "game" of life, we all make our own mistakes. We are all spending a lot of time and energy to help you to NOT make such a mistake in your life.

Godspeed.

[cloey]

HI Angela
I have read the other girls responses to your post and thought I would just add a little somthing. Im 24 years old and was in a relationship for nearly 5 years before I got sick. We had talked about getting married and having children. But I thank God everyday that we did not rush into things. I could not imagine caring for a child with the health problems that I am going thru right now, not only is it not fair to a baby its not fair to myself.

I think that the advice that everyone is giving you is the best advice to give. Bottom line is the choice is yours....however I would like to add that IF you and your boyfriend are so strong in your relationship then why not wait a few years to bring a baby into the world. That way you can be sure that you are emotionaly, physically, spiratually and financially ready to care for them. As well you can be done school and have one less thing to worry about as well you can find a secure job so you will be able to financially support yourself and the baby. Being sick adds a lot of extra costs in itself...and adding a baby will just add that much more.

I know you are going to do what you want no matter what anyone says, and I do think its great that you are looking into the best resources before going ahead.
But truthfully, I think waiting a little bit is the best option for you.

Anyways thats my 2 cents...Good luck and keep us posted

Cloey

[Chavez1417]

Thank you everyone for your input.
I do understand were all of you are coming from and do realize that maybe it would be a good idea to wait a couple of years. I don't remember who said this but :"Finish school first and get one of lifes things out of the way" I am starting to agree to that, school is more important. I am going to get married don't get me wrong about that but I am going to wait to have a child and bring a new life into this world. I will try to find a doctor and get my health stable first. Thank you all this is what I was hoping I could find out.
Your all my mentors and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
Love
Angela :love:

[wendytph]

Hi
Angela,
i 35 of age this coming Nov hehehe, as same as you i trying to have a baby, my time is running out as i coming close to 35 of age and my husband is 30. Currently i not working so he the only one supporting the family, in my country we have to pay our own medial bills i from Singapore, althought i have goverment subsidy still it cost lot for my check up, i now in remission but as my kidney got some problems like protein leakage so i had not been allow to concived until recently i was given green light to have a baby :-)
i understand of you wanting to have a baby, i had the same when i was around 28,i been in remission for the past 3 years but not given the green light until now.
i think the previous ppls who give you the advices are correct you should firstly and most importantly have the lupus in remission and been allow to have baby as if you not in remission and not allow you may not be able to have a full term baby and you be do harm to yourself and your lupus flare up too. you still young only when you 30 than you should start worring about it .
you should think about money probelms too you not working and your parents going to support you and your fianceer ? and baby ?
my kidney doctor said once i pregarent they have to have a close check up on me . you seen even i myself in remssion also have to be careful ?! what about you ?
Please think carefully so long you once you health is okay you want anything to have baby will be done.
i wish you the best and hope yo make a wise decision .

Your Sincerly,
Wendy
:)

[Chavez1417]

wendytph-Thank you for you response. Congratualtions on being able to have a baby, I whish you and your husband the best of luck. I have heard from a couple of my older friends that if you are trying to concieve don't really think about it too hard, just have fun with you husband and with out stress you WILL concieve. My lupus is not the real big issue, thats what my drs. say I also have D.V.T. and that is what the drs are watching. I have to take warifin, so I can' get prenet unexpectantly because of birth deformadies. Well I have have to go right now but hope to hear from you soon. Thank you and good luck.

Love :love:

[Chavez1417]

Hello everyone, I really don't know if anyone still reads this but here goes.
A whole year has gone by or more, I just wanted to update the things that have happened in my life. First off I graduated high school, and the college program...Second I moved out on my own bought a car and finally got Health insurance for myself.:-)
I am 19 right now and have been living with my fiance, yea yea still fiance you see I am now working on friend issues. I really don't have any closs friends anymore, I had to grow up and leave some of them behind. :huh: and a wedding needs friends.
Marcelo-my fiance and I have been trying for about a year now to get pregnet and nothing has happened. I have changed my medication from Coumadin to Lovanax, which is a self-injected shot I have to give my self every 12 hours but its worth it. The medication does not pass through the uturas like the coumadin would have. I have seen a Rhumo but he told me that my condition is alright for now, my lupus in undercontrol, I am just tired all the time, its something that doesn't get in the way though. :D I havn't had any outbreaks of any blot clots anywere, not even on my spine. Another upside of being on the lovanox is that I don't have to test my blood every other day it all works on its own.
Marcelo finally got his disablity so finacially we are set, I am also in the prosess of getting a dispatch job for a local security guard company. Money is not a real problem, you all know rent, gas, food those types of things aren't as big as a problem like they were. Marcelo and I are trying to figure out whats happening, you see as of last year I really don't get my periods like I am sappoed too. My doctors did all the blood work and it came back normal for me. Marcelo is the next one to get checked. I quite trying to find the right doctor I just ended up at our local hosiptal and if any problems do come up they send a speacilst to me. "Yea fianally" Marcelo and I are also in the process of buying a house-first time home owners and also buying a 98 Ford Expedition because my Honda Accord just will be enough room. The last doctor I saw said to give our trying to concive about another 6 months and if nothing happens then we are going to look into artifcial Incm. Looking back at all of the things I posted I realized that I was still a little imature back then and I want to apoligize to anyone who's feeling I hurt. If any of you are still members I would love to hear from you. Thanks again and well wishes for everyone.

Love Angy- 2 YEARS OLDER AND A WHOLE LOT MORE MATURE. :cloud9: