HOW TO DEAL WITH SEX.

[lupusgirl]

[B] :wave: HELLO EVERYONE! WHERE DO I BEGIN, I SUFFER WITH LUPUS AND MY PARTNER IS VERY SUPPORTIVE. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 3 YEARS AND MARRIED 10 MONTHS. I FEEL EMBARSSED SAYING THIS BUT OUR SEX LIFE IS NOT GREAT, HE HAS NEVER PUSHED THE ISSUE OR EVEN MOANED. bUT SOMETIMES I WORRY THIS IS GOING TO PUSH US APART. WILL HE GO AND FIND ANOTHER WOMEN FOR HIS SEXUALL NEEDS?? HE SAYS HE LOVES ME AND I DO BELEIVE HIM..DON'T GET ME WRONG THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT I WOULD LIKE THAN TO MAKE LOVE TO MY HUSBAND. AT THE MOMENT I CAN ONLY MUSTER UP THE STRENGTH FOR MYSELF, NOT USE IT ON SOMEONE ELSE, DOE'S THAT SOUND SELFISH?? THANKYOU ALL FOR LISTENING..xxx :D

[cornishgirl]

Hi Lupusgirl, I completley understand how your feeling hun. I've been married now for 4yrs though we've been together for 5yrs, and I have to say for a good part of that, our sexlife has been a nightmare. I am happy to say though that he is very understanding (most of the time), I can't say it's perfect but he does realise that I'm not the same person he first met and he's willing to stick with it. I think what made it harder was that I was probably the one with the higher sex drive to begin with and so for me to suddenly start pushing him away he really felt that I didn't love him or that he was doing something wrong. It took quite a long time for him to realise that it was more down to the depression/lupus that I was not wanting him rather then him having to feel insecure. It made me feel guilty for a long time but it helps now that we're both understanding of what each other are feeling. He still does get frustrated, yes, and I do find myself having to put myself out occassionally to at least show willing lol, but as long as there can be some give and take along the way and alot of understanding I don't see there's alot of reason for a marriage to break up because of it, afterall, hopefully he married you for more then just your stunning looks and sexuality lol. I wish you the best hun and hope things improve for you, Lucy

[kurlykim]

Hey Lupus Girl,
Sometimes we have to resort to other types of attention back rub, hugs, love letters, candle light dinners, there are several ways to be intimate. Hope you feel better soon.

[alobreto]

Hi, Girl! ;)
I can totally relate with where you're coming from about the energy for intimacy. My hubby and I have worked things out so that he gives me signals in the morning that something hot is likely if I'm able. That way I can let him know in advance if I'm not able to participate later, or even better, I can plan every activity of the day to ensure that there is enough energy left when we get in bed.

I don't ever want hubby to feel that he has to give up his sex life on a never-ending ride. Intimacy is important in a marriage, important enough to make plans so that it happens as regularly as possible in whatever your circumstances are.

If you need to take pain medicine ahead of time, then why not do it? If hot packs an hour before, or a warm bath ease your aches, I say go for it, girl!

Most hubbies don't stray because of a lack of sexual intimacy. They stray because they feel undervalued. When a man feels like he is his lady's hero, it's amazing the lengths to which he'll go to make her happy. He needs to hear how much you admire him even more when the sex is infrequent.

I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to discuss such a private topic. We all benefit from hearing these kinds of things from each other. :thumbs:
Best regards,
Angela :flowers:

[macfamily53]

Dear LUPISGIrl

I think we all feel that way. I know I did before I knew i had Lupus. I used to work as a janitor at
an elementery school for about 44 hours a week. I ahd so much fatigue and pain that i had no desire or energy. I worried about what my husband of 23 years was thinking when I said there is no way anything is happening tonight lol.Then I found out what was going on and that I ahd Lupus and lots of arthrits is why. I felt guilty he did not worry about it. Even after that many years I still worried about him going elsewhere and not because he acted like he would it was my guilt. We are better now and talk about it. I am also not working anymore becuase I could not do it and that helps but even still have my days where i have fatigue or pain or whatever. He is fine with it. Well as fine as he can be. You know what I mean. It is only natural for a person to feel tha way evenw ith the most loving marrige. Just keep the lines of communacation open and that will help you.
Take care of yourself and if you need to talk to someone try the chat room it helps also along with the post it

Tammy :love:

[sunladyb]

:wave: Hi Irene,
I know where you are coming from here. I have been with my hubby 6 years and married nearly 5. Before I became ill we had a very regular sex life now it is none existant :( I do feel for my hubby and I was worried that he would go elsewhere the same as you worry but when we married he said that it was in sickness and in health and that is how it is. I do still worry but I try and do little things for him, not sexual (i only wish) just to show him I still love him and still find him attractive.
Like Angela said I write him little love notes for him to find like his jacket pocket or his wallet I run him a bath when I have the energy :rolleyes: which isn't very often. Even making him a drink when you go to get one yourself, he sounds like a very understanding and loving hubby .
I am sending you hugs :hugbetter: and letting you know you are not alone honey it is very frustrating and annoying feeling this way but we are here for you :hugbetter: .
Also well done you for bringing it up :D
Take care
Love Dawn :flowers:

[Seyca16]

hey!
I know just how you feel...when my bf and I first met it was very hot and heavy but now that my symptoms are getting worse, it's harder for me to actually find the strength to be with him.

Sometimes he says things like "I don't love him as much anymore" or "why aren't you like you used to be" I've tried explaining things to him but I think he doesn't want to think about it....I'm trying to get him to come on this because I think it would be helpful for him....

Anyway what I try to do is find a position thats most comfortable for when I'm having pain and that way if we're in the mood we know what we can do without having me be uncomfortable

You both have to work together to find whats right for you...and he has to be understanding to you condition...that what we're working on now :-)

Hope things get better for you!
~Casey

[belladonna]

Originally posted by alobreto@Jun 27 2005, 12:46 AM
They stray because they feel undervalued.? When a man feels like he is his lady's hero, it's amazing the lengths to which he'll go to make her happy.? He needs to hear how much you admire him even more when the sex is infrequent.?
Angela
So true Angela. So true.

And, everyone needs to feel that their efforts are appreciated. A little appreciation does go a long way in my house. When I am hurting, the lack of intimacy is very hard on my hubby. Sometimes I don't even notice how long it has been... There are so many days that go by? without my being of any use to my family? I hate that. When I have a flare, I can?t even stay awake for more than 2 or 3 hrs at a time, let alone make a meal, or do anything else constructive. :sigh: I feel very depressed at these times, like I?m such a waste of space? And then there is hubby, doing so much more than he should have to, and still wanting to love me, but afraid to hurt me, or afraid to even mention that he is in need of some lovin, cause he feel that my problems are so much bigger?What better way to use my awake time than to make some of it about his needs on these wasted days. (In these times I?m just too medicated or sore to even think about it for myself.) I tell hubby that I?m sorry if I can?t be as enthusiastic as I would like to be, but what I can do is give control over to him, and tell him to go for it, and I can hold him, or just lay in his arms for a while after. :cloud9: At least I can say at the end of the day that I did one thing useful for someone I love, and that my day wasn?t a total waste, ya know?

[Wolfenstein]

Hi Lupusgirl,

Wow, some really great replies to this subject. Esp. since it is an embarrassing topic for many. So it's given me the courage to ask another related topic that is equally so. :whisper: Anyone else out there ever developed herpes simplex 2 (genital) from their partner's hsv1 (coldsore)? He still has the type 1 but not 2 and I still have the type 2 but not 1. Talk about sharing intimacy! :love:

Because of our wacko immune system this is indeed possible, although not common. It was soooo embarrassing for me. Naturally the docs assumed the likliest scenario (he must have been fooling around or had it and didn't tell me or show symtpoms) although my guy's and my fidelity and honesty to each other was unquestionable to us!

He felt really bad about it, I felt even worse 'cause it was just like a lupus flare when it started. Fortunately, there are antiviral drugs to help with it when it flares up, but it's necessary to share our sexlife a bit differently than we used to. Accommadation, compromise, and open communication between us has actually improved our love life in some ways, cause now we know each other's needs and desires even better. We're both more satisfied. And errr, ummm, blush, toys (for both of us) :woohoo: can make things a whole lot more pleasurable and easier on the joints.

Hang in there honey. Maybe sharing this thread with him would allow him to know how important it is for him to understand how much you care? Here's a hug :hugbetter: so you know you're not alone with this issue.
Jane

[gretchenb5]

I agree -- great advice, everyone. And on a tough subject to talk about, be open about.

Belladonna, I just wanted to tell you that I think what you're doing with/for your husband is just wonderful. Your way of looking at intimacy and sharing time with your husband just about brought me to tears. I'll be sharing those thoughts with my husband tonight.

gretchen :whisper:

[mandynor]

It's very comforting to be able to share these feelings with you all. I, too, feel exactly the same way as a lot of you. Our husbands and boyfriends must be the most understanding and loving men in the world. I get scared to make love to my husband anymore, because of the pain, then feel so guilty because I know how much it would mean to him if I did... It feels like a no win situation. I just hope that at some point the pain will subside a bit, and I can take advatage of that (and my husband! lol). thanks so much everyone for being so honest, it really does help to know we're not alone.

peace
mandy

[lupusgirl]

:love: THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR ADVICE, YOU HAVE MADE ME RFEALISE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS...ONCE AGAIN THANKYOU... :flowers: IRENE U.K.

[Pixii]

lupusgirl.. honey.. i've been in love with the same man for over 34 yrs.. (my husband) and in all that time we have had lots of ups and downs on the sex scale.. but since i've been so ill this last 5 yrs.. i don't think we have done that in about once every 3 months.. depending on how i'm feeling.. my husband totally understands and adores me anyway.. he'd never think of having another woman... because to him, there are no other women in the world.. i'll tell ya though.. the cuddle sessions we have are worth more than all the sex in the world combined.. just laying in each others arms and hugging and kissing each other is enough, when you truly love someone.. :)

hope this helps love.. if he really loves ya.. he'll understand and you won't have nothing to worry over.. :) because he'll be stuck on you like glue.. :P

[Deborah Rumbles]

:wave: Hi just thought I'd say its equally important to talk to your husband or partner about how you are feeling and to tell them that you do really love them,have time together even if it's just cuddling for an hour on the bed talking,I do this very regularly with my husband and he tells me everyday that he loves me,infact in 7years we have told each other everyday,it is the little things that are important,not just sex.I regularly give him little poems and love letters,he sends me cards,he is understanding and caring,and really helps me out around the house,its important to say I love you,more so than sex.Deborah.(Also I have got a booklet from Rhumy athritis and sex,its got loads of easy positions)

[bluecarliepup]

Hi lupusgirl,

I was checking out the boards which i have not done in quite a while and came across this post. Hence it being a while from you writting it to me answering it ..... blah blah get on with it sam...

I have been with my husband for 9 years now although we have been married for only 2 years. We like all the other posts have had to adjust to Lupus in every way of our lives. Bryan read a lot of things on Lupus when I was first dxd and one thing that stuck with him was that for a Lupie to be comfortable in bed they should be warm and well rested so we went along with that, everything worked well for a time and then normal stuff crept in like pressures of work, illness and medication took its tole so id say nowa days its quality not quanity but everyone is right the cuddles and kisses are just as good.

Take care

Love
Sam
xxxx

[lupusgirl]

:wave: :wave: :wave: You guy's are great. Once again thankyou for all your advice, it's great to have made such good friends. :love: Take care Irene u.k.

[Kenzmadie]

Originally posted by Wolfenstein@Jul 9 2005, 05:43 PM
Anyone else out there ever developed herpes simplex 2 (genital) from their partner's hsv1 (coldsore)?
I did develop genital herpes and oral herpes (at the same time for the first time) from my partner's cold sore...and was completely humiliated when I went to the doctor, obviously not understanding what was happening. I am a lesbian and the doctors informed me that yes, you can develop the genital form of herpes from someone else's oral lesion...although it is still the Type I...just in a different area. And I used to think that was an old wive's tale...but am here to tell you it is not. I have seen plaquenil described as an immuno suppresive....I don't know if it makes you more vulnerable to certain illnesses or not. But I was first diagnosed with the herpes about one year ago. Since then, I have only had one recurrence of the genital type but get oral cold sores about once a month. I recently started valtrex 500 mg per day as a way to prevent these. You can be careful about transmission, but everything I have read suggests that the body can shed the herpes virus at any time...even when you don't have an active lesion. I sometimes wonder if the plaquenil actually made me more vulnerable to getting this illness, but my doctor doesn't seem to think so. Anyways, was just looking up this issue and saw this post and thought this information may be helpful to all.

[Lily]

Hi kenzmadie,

As far as I know it would be pretty unlikely for Plaquenil to predispose you to this but having Lupus could. Our immune systems dont work like they should and we often pick up things others shake off without knowing.

Plaquenil is a DMARD (disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug), unlike the Immunosuppressants........... Methotrexate, Imuran etc.

love
Lily

[Mighty Oak]

I don't have much clue about the herpes thing. I've often complained of oral ulcers, but after testing them, they didn't appear to be viral at all. My rheumy says it's probably due to the autoimmune difficulties, and that they're very common. She also emphasized that herpes blisters tend to be irregular in shape while kankers (or autoimmune related ulcers like I have) are almost always round ('though two can spread and join together to form an odd-shaped sore).

Alert: Candid discussion of sexual experiences to follow.

Anyway, I did have something on the sex life issue. I recently went on a three-day vacation with my boyfriend of 5 years. We have had a fairly anemic sex life because of our busy lifestyles, my illness, and so forth. Well, on our weekend trip I decided that come **** or high water, I was going to "get busy." Night one was very natural. We had dinner, we went to sleep for the night, and our goodnight kiss turned into something more interesting. Afterwards, we went for a walk in the forest and looked at the stars. It was lovely.

Night two we had gone for a long hike in a nearby canyon. I thought I was alright (well, maybe a little sore) until my shins started cramping up. Now, I normally keep very active and am not really used to this sort of thing. He was understanding, we stopped, I took a hot shower and he rubbed my legs with some salve. I also had a little wine to relax my muscles. I was visibly disappointed and he said, "I learned a long time ago that it doesn't do either of us any good if I get upset when you're not 'able' because you're hurting." His new approach proved to work out very well. He did what he could to make me feel better, I had some wine, we slept for several hours, then we got a little cozy, woke up, and tried a lower impact position (which worked great).

I guess what I'm trying to say is the better he understands ways of helping you out, the more likely your sex life is to thrive a little more. Not only does it help me physically when he tries to alleviate my pains, it also makes me feel very loved, attractive, and aroused. Of course, I am thankful that he anticipates these things and I didn't have to try and explain it to him. I suppose that anything we can do to promote understanding is important though, right? Oh, and sometimes the hormone flood from an orgasm can alleviate all kinds of joint and muscle pains! (Found that out on day three. :woohoo: )

--Oak

[DaisyP]

Hi, been with my man for 21 years. Before my illness we were randy little so-and-so's (I have 4 kids!) but some days I'm so tired or my joints are so painful even the thought of sex is too much to bear.

I just keep telling him I love him, when we're sat watching the TV I will always sit holding his hand or just cuddling him. I've always loved to cuddle my husband although his girth is somewhat larger than it used to be style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

We just do it when I'm able!
Daisy

[Paulin46]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(alobreto @ Jun 26 2005, 07:46 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Hi, Girl! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
I can totally relate with where you're coming from about the energy for intimacy. My hubby and I have worked things out so that he gives me signals in the morning that something hot is likely if I'm able. That way I can let him know in advance if I'm not able to participate later, or even better, I can plan every activity of the day to ensure that there is enough energy left when we get in bed.

I don't ever want hubby to feel that he has to give up his sex life on a never-ending ride. Intimacy is important in a marriage, important enough to make plans so that it happens as regularly as possible in whatever your circumstances are.

If you need to take pain medicine ahead of time, then why not do it? If hot packs an hour before, or a warm bath ease your aches, I say go for it, girl!

Most hubbies don't stray because of a lack of sexual intimacy. They stray because they feel undervalued. When a man feels like he is his lady's hero, it's amazing the lengths to which he'll go to make her happy. He needs to hear how much you admire him even more when the sex is infrequent.

I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to discuss such a private topic. We all benefit from hearing these kinds of things from each other. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbs-up.gif
Best regards,
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif
[/b][/quote]

Very good advice Angela! And you are absolutely right about a husband needing to be admired! It is soooooo true!!!
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif