Bad relationship or my bad attitude?

[nicole7]

Hi
I guess I just need to post this to get it off my chest and to try to organize my thoughts. I hope that's ok. I'm not good at using a thought journal or diary so here goes.
I have been living with my boyfriend for over 8 years...may be 9 by now...I've lost count. I have so many mixed emotions about this relationship and they have been heightened by the way I've been feeling the last few years and the financial strain this has put us under.
I have told him on several occassions that I understand if he can't deal with this and that if he wants to leave I would rather he do it now than if I become more ill in the future. He says that he loves me and doesn't want to leave.
I'm just not sure that he's up to the task I guess. Sometimes I feel like if he can't be supportive enough I would rather he not be there at all...I know that sounds awful but it's very hard not being able to depend on someone. He is very social and drinks (too much in my opinion) with his friends. I am very close to many of his friends and they are here much of the time and have actually become a large part of my support circle too.
Big one...I want to have a baby...badly. I just need to wait I guess to have all this dx business settled down a little. And then I guess I also need to wait 'til I can get off the methotrexate...if I ever actually start taking it next week. But I know it's something I need to do for me. He says he doesn't want kids right now and that maybe he never will. This is not news to me, I guess perhaps I just always thought that he would change his mind...I know that was stupid but it's what happened.
When I am feeling poorly ... I think he needs to escape. He tends to go out when I want him here the most. It is frustrating and hurtful. I guess I just don't think he's ready to be the kind of partner I need.
However, I do love him, and I know he loves me...it's the one thing I never have to doubt and so it's hard for me to know what to do.
I am pretty stressed out about things right now and so I don't know if this is yet another attempt by me to push people away before they have a chance to reject me...if I'm being too hard on him and expecting too much...or if he's really just a jerk ;)
When I read some of the posts here about many of your fantastic life partners I become even more frustrated...and dare I say a little jealous...but also very happy for all that have them.
Anyway...sorry this is so long, but I actually feel a little better just for getting this out.

[nicole7]

Amazing to think I could have any more to say here...but I do. I have also gained a lot of weight over the last ten years...more than 100lbs I'm embarassed to say...so that hasn't done great things for my self esteem. It doesn't seem to bother my boyfriend, but it sure bothers me.
Ok, I think I'm done now :)
Nicole

[zara]

Wow, Nicole, I was having some of the same thoughts today. My health has been cycling so much, I don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like I'm going a little crazy. Yesterday, I felt ok and helped a friend get her horses ready for the All Horse Parade and today I feel pain. I've been resting all day, but decided to take a walk this evening. My thoughts, of course, turned to the future which feels so uncertain to me at the moment. I feel uncertain because I don't know if I'll get better or if I have Lupus, or something. This thing going on with my heart and/or lungs really scares me sometimes.

I want to have children too--soon. But it scares me to think of what could happen to my body. I feel so unlucky right now, and I'm afraid to get pregnant until I have some answers...but how long will that take?

Plus, my boyfriend is vain. He loves my body, my face, my look. What if that changes dramatically? How much hair will fall out? Will I be able to hide it? He's also very social and would like me to go out more. We've been together five years. I am not sure he would be able to endure me being seriously ill. He has been known to faint when people just talk about surgery!! He can't even watch a medical show on TV without getting the willies. Yet, he can watch war movies all day long...I don't get that...boys :rolleyes:

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say I understand how you feel and your story touched me. :flowers:

Hopefully our men are stronger than we think and we're just worried about nothing.

Zara :love:

[sunladyb]

:wave: Nicole :hugbetter: ,
Your emotions are all over the place arn't they honey :hugbetter:
I hope what you are feeling about your boyfriend is wrong and he is stronger than you think. Alot of the time they surprise us with their understanding and love.
I was worried when I became ill a few years ago and my husband and I had only been together 3 years and married only 2. I was no longer the out going and bubbly person he met and fell in love with. I was depressed and very low and my self esteem became zero and still is to a certain extent. I have got worse this year and now I suffer from panic attacks and am agrophobic. But my hubby is still here and he seems alot stronger than he was when we first met. Please don't get me wrong I aways used to worry that he would leave and find someone a lot prettier and healthier than me and I gave him that option to walk if he wanted. You have done the same to your boyfriend and he says he loves you and he is still with you that says something to me hun.
I know how hard it is not to have a confirmed dx I am in the same position as you and it is very frustrating not knowing exactly what is wrong with me, other than severe depression :wacko:
You said your boyfriend drinks too much in your eyes how much is too much hun? maybe it is his way of stress release so he doesn't take his frustrations out on you. Have you talked to him about your fears and his? If you haven't you need to sit down and tell him your fears and listen and ease his.
We all need to get things off our chest hun so don't be sorry for venting your worries thats what we are here for :hugbetter:
Have you seen anyone about depression? If not please do and if you have well done you.
I really hope you work things out soon it is a very long road we are on to get a dx and I am here for you hun.
Put kiddies on hold till you know what is going on with your body.
Take care honey keep your chin up.
Love Dawn :flowers:

[here]

Nicole I think a lot of us vent through the forum.. You should not appologize. You have a lot to deal with and come to terms with.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

You heart will know what is best for you,

Take care,

j

[nicole7]

Thanks guys for all your support. I don't know if maybe I needed to be told this to feel validated...but you're right. I am trying to deal with and come to terms with a lot on my own. I do deserve support and help with this. I am seeing my MD on Monday to talk to him about getting in to a therapist of some kind who can help me with this. I'm talking to my bf too about the possibility of couples therapy. He's been against it in the past but it's time for him to grow up now and hopefully I can talk him into it. I think he's afraid that they will tell him everything is all his fault. I do have a gift for being fairly hmmmm how do i put this nicely...persuasive? And I think that scares him. :halo:
I was severely depressed from about 17 to 25 and will never forget how I felt at that time. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I did then now. If I did, I would never be able to cope with this at all...let alone as well as I feel like I am doing with it now. I guess it is possible that I am situationally depressed and should probably get a professional opinion on this. My family dr. talks with me about this at every appt and I'm very honest with him about how I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'm way off base and I am depressed. Hopefully it is a less severe problem that can be dealt with through counselling etc, but I'm open to options. Heck I tried pretty much every anti-d out there before I found the one that worked for me.
Thanks again
Nicole