my mother and I

[helloos]

Hi all. I didn't know where to post this or even if I should post it. But was just thinking maybe, just maybe, someone out there can relate to this.

My mother has been a depressant since I was little, suicide's etc. So, basically she has never really been there for me, because everything is about her. I have accepted this long ago and deal with it. She is also a hypocondriac. Anything anyone has she has. So for instance, my brother n law has cluster headaches, when he gets them, she cancels plans, etc. because she has a migrane. She has many books at her house about MS, Lups, Alztimers (sp?), etc. I think you get my drift. She has always wanted to be ill, iller than just depression, and she was diagnosed with fibro about 5 years ago. So she is on heavy doses of all pain manangment. She thought that she had cancer once, and the doctor told her that it IS all in her head and her depression causing it. So she cried because she did not have a disease that would kill her and she already was playing it in her head, her funeral. Anyways, too much detail, I could go on and on and it would make your head spin. So, now of course, because I am dx with Lupus, but not 100% sure, and started treatment, she has all my symptoms.

You all know my every day FEVER thing..... well, now this morning, she tells me she made an appt. with her doctor because she has had a fever every day for 3 weeks. Now she knows this is my problem and I talk to her every single morning and this is the first time I hear of it.

About a month ago, she said her hair was falling out, this was 2 days after my eyelashes fell out.

About 4 months ago, she heard me talking about the mottling of my skin, and she told my brother to look at her arm that she has Lupas and see the mottling of her skin. My brother told her it was her veins and not mottling. Not to mention, that is not even a symptom of lupus.

She also told me about a month ago, she was going to make an appointment with my doctor for her ailments. I hope that she doesn't, because I do not want my doctor to think that is me. This has been a struggle all my life, I get sick and wait and wait and don't go to the doctors cause I don't want to be like my mother and think it is wrong to go to the doctors. She goes for every little thing.

When she heard that I have Reynaud's, all of a sudden she says her hands hurt in the super market.

It is an every day thing. Her doctor told her that she doesn't have anything, well, sorry, yes, she has fibromyalgia and severe depression. But, now that she thinks I have this, she does too.

I hate this situation. I get no support from her. Never tell her my complaints because I know she will have the same and it becomes bothersome.

I love my mother dearly, but I hate the fact that she wants an illness. I want to say so badly, you can have this if you want it. I tell her that she should be enjoying her life and happy that she does not have anything. I hate having this. No one sees my emotions because I keep them in. So when I am out, I am smiling, etc. no complaints. I want this to be gone so bad and yet, she wants to have it.

Does anyone have a situation like this? My guess is probably not, and I apologize for boring everyone !!!!

I just can't stand it anymore and I can't say anything to her about it because she'll freak and then be in bed crying for days and it will be my fault. My siblings and I get blamed for her suicide attempts.
Paula

[specialk16]

Paula,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It makes you feel like they don't take your illness seriously. I do have the same type of situation, not with my mother that is, but with a co-worker. Apparently she has been like this for a long time. When I decided to try to figure out what was wrong with me last year was because I work with a wonderful woman named Nancy, who has lupus and who also intoduced me to the boards. She suspected that there was something wrong with me and suggested I see my gp. Well the rest is history. Well we work with another woman who was tested for hashimotos (thyroid) but her tests were inconclusive, years ago. As soon as she found out that I was being tested for and autoimmune disease, she decided that she should get tested, and I swear everytime I say that there is something new going on with me, she ends up having the same thing wrong with her, or so she says. Even when I spent a week in the hospital my other co-workers said that she was complaining about being sick that week. She even as far as went to my rhuemy and came back saying that the rhuemy was 99% sure that she had lupus (which I new was a crock of bull because my rheumy is very conservative and just doesn't go around diagnosing people with lupus all willy nilly). The girl then said that she was being put on plaquenil,,, but the funny thing is she never filled her perscription and never went back to my rheumy. Weird huh :shrug: . I have been told that she has too battled from depression and loves attention.

It is sad that some people want that type of attention. The thing is I basically washed my hands of my co-worker, I totally avoid her and don't let her know what is going on with me, but we are talking about your mother. When my co-worker came in saying that she had lupus, I was so disappointed because I felt like to her this was all a joke, and she just couldn't imagine the pain and anguish that I have been going through trying to get a solid diagnosis and wondering whether or not things are going to get worse for me and how this has all changed my life.

You are in my prayers Paula, I don't know how to tell you how to deal with it. Maybe you could go to some type of family therapist and maybe they will give you some idea of how to handle all of this. :love:

Good luck :luck:

[Dreamergirl]

Hi Paula,

I'm so glad that you posted about this, I've been wanting to but thought maybe it was just me and the weirdos in my life. (Okay, that was a bit harsh. :o ) Anyway, I have a sister in law and friend who both think they have lupus now that I have been diagnosed. And it REALLY irritates me. My sister in law probably does have something wrong with her (arthritis or something) but has been tested for lupus, RA, and many other things over and over again, and each time they have come out negative. Now she just goes around saying she has an "autoimmune disease". My friend gets headaches when she is out in the heat and ever since I was diagnosed with lupus (I get mind numbing migraines) she says she probably has the same thing that I do since we both have headaches. HUH?! :angry: But the person your mother mostly reminds me of is my sister. My sister suffers from depression but is also a huge hypochondriac! I also believe she is suffering from Munchausen Syndrome because she will go as far as hurt herself so that she can be treated for things. Now that some attention was put on me because of lupus the first thing she asked was, "Doesn't that run in families?" I know it is just a matter of time before she says she is "diagnosed" with it. It makes me crazy, frustrated, irritated..... I try to focus on the good parts of my sister in law (and there are many, I love her lots) and just TRY to ignore her when she says things like, "I know exactly how you feel because I have the same thing." As far as my friend goes...I have put a great deal of distance between us, it took too much effort on my part to put up with her. And lucky for me my sister and I are not that close, she lives in another state and we only speak on the phone occasionally. I know your situation is different because you are talking about your mother and it's not easy to just distance yourself from her; and her copycat routine must be very hard on you. Perhaps a therapist would be a good place to start (as Specialk suggested), maybe they will be able to provide some insight into how to handle different situations as they come up. At the very least it will be a place to vent your frustrations. And don't forget you can always come here and do that too. :) Try to keep your positive outlook and don't let your mother get you down (though I'm sure it's hard sometimes). Remember as much as you see through everything she is saying as a call for attention, all those that matter to you in your life probably see it as the same thing. I hope things get better for you. Sending you some :luck: :luck: And a little :love: too.

[sheila1366]

I can really relate as far as being ignored.I have been sick as far back as I can remember.Anorexic,depressed,nervous breakdown,severe stomach pain.My mom just thought I wanted attention.When I turned 21 and was married and had insurance I went to thr dr. myself.found out I had endometriosis,bipolar/depression and now some unknown illness.My mother doesn't even know I have been sick.She doesn't show any concern so I would rather not tell her than be rejected.But on the other had she reads medical books all the time,talks constantly about how bad she feels and about my dad's health problems.If she hears of anyone being sick her and my dad just say they are looking for attention.Even my dads sister,she has damentia,my parents say she is just looking for attention cause sometimes she seems ok and other times she seem like she is nuts. :angry: I'm like....that is what damentia is!!!!!SOme people can't see past themselves.If I were you I would never tell her another thing and if you can speak to your dr. before she comes in and explain what her situation is.And as far as fybromyalgia goes, my daughter has that.Your mom needs to read up on that,it can make you feel very sick but won't kill you.I know I have seen my daughter really suffer with it everyday.I know how important it is to have the support of your mom, I long for it too and I am 39 yrs. old and I will always be this way.Just try to keep things to yourself,find someone else to talk to and try to ignore mom as much as you can.Sorry this is how it is for you,I hope things get better. :flowers:
Sheila

[rwb200]

Some people have to be the center of all attention and will do anything to get it.
This is not good and can be very irratating.
But Chronic Depression is a very real and very bad illness that can screw with your head in many ways.
It may not be that she wants it but the Chronic Deppression makes her fear that she has it or something else.
depression and fear are two of the most debilatating illnesses that are out there.
I do not want to seem like I'm taking up for anyone but I have seen what this can do to a person and the real fear that they have even if there is no real reason that anyone else sees.
There does not have to be a reason just the mention of something, a news article, a story from a friend or what ever can start a fear and another case of depression.
I have heard people with depression talk about the extreme pain and how they hurt so bad.
I have never had it explained just why they hurt or what causes the pain but have heard enough say it to know that it is very real.
i would not woory about the Doctor and what he or she thinks. They are trained to deal with people of all types and they are used to the fact that some times people come in with nothing more then a fear.
They may have to treat that fear and they may need to send them to a specialist.

if you are worried about the Doctor maybe you could offer to help your Mom if she has to go because you know what the Doctor will be needing in the way of Health History and list of symptoms.
Offer to help her fill it out and insure that her Chronic Depression is right at the top of the list. that and a brief list of medical history will surely tip them off of what they may be looking at and dealing with. And who knows maybe they will find something that has yet to be found and be able to help you all out by helping her.

I know that this is alot to deal with and I'm sorry that you have to do it.

[helloos]

First. Thank you all for all of your responses. I am so glad that my post wasn't just out there and some of you can relate. I have dealt with this my whole life.
I just spoke with my mother, she calls me in the morning at work. She said she went to the doctors yesterday because of her non stop fever ( like I have) and that her lymph nodes are swollen ( Like mine have been all along) and that he is testing her for lymphoma (just the road I went down, except I was sent to cancer doctor and they did all kinds of testing and PET Scan ) They are going to do blood work for her, etc. Ok, I took a deep breathe, my mind was screaming YOU GOTTA BE KIDDEN ME, NOW SHE IS SAYING HER LYMPH NODES , CANCER , ETC. But, I didn't, I was quiet. I said well, they are just checking to make sure, blah blah blah. So, let's see what she says next. It is just VERY discouraging. Doesn't she think I am thinking that? Doesn't she know that I know why she is saying all of this? She has every symptom as I get it. I wanted to say maybe you have Lupus to see what she said, but I didn't.

SpecialK: your co-worker sounds like my mother. At least you can escape from your co-worker and maybe she'll eventually leave your company :), my mother is here to stay. Hope that your situation changes too. If I went to a therapist what would I say, my mother is a depressant and bothering me?
No clue at this point...the days continue.

Dreamergirl: It is hard having a family member like that. Believe me I know !! I just don't understand why someone would want attention from being ill. I wish that I could change this all, but would not wish someone else ill. It is as if, you are right, they don't know. I don't live with her, I am 34 years old and a family of my own, it is just frustrating, that I speak to her daily and it is always about her. My grandparents were like my first set of parents and both of them have passed away. Boy do I miss them tremendously.

Sheila. My mother has the fibro book and has read, and read, and read, along with all of her other medical books. She has everything. She copies all of my symptoms. I don't tell her any of them now, but when I was going from doctor to doctor she knew, and everything I said, she said, you sound like me, I get that. And I knew she didn't cause she gives me her complaints daily. Should I go to a therapist? I am going for who? For me or her or both? I think they'll lock me up if I go !!!

RWB. You are right about depression and fear. I know that all of her problem comes from her depression. I have dealt with this my WHOLE life, have seen her commit suicide growing up as a child. All of us children all moved out 15-16 years old. I left when I was 15, because my mother was just mental and my father left. I got a job, got my GED, got married to a loser, had two wonderful children, went to college, got my ass. degree and got a real job as a paralegal and have been one for 11 years, I got remarried to a wonderful hubby who adopted my children. So I have done great for myself, still dealing with my mother. Depression is a hard thing to deal with even when you are on the other side. I encourage her, etc. but it doesn't work, and when she gets all my symptoms and makes it so obvious, it is aggrivating, but can't say anything because she'll cry and be in bed, etc. It is ongoing.

Another example: When I was told this is what they expected I had and started meds, my brother asked my mother what was going on with me and her response was, look at my mottling on my arms, I have Lupus too and they just haven't tested while it was happening, and one day it will show. My brother said he got so mad that she turned everything around on her. Don't we all

Thank you all again for all of your stories, makes me feel not nutty !!!

[specialk16]

Paula,,

I have to say, I am happy that you posted this,,, I have been wanting to get get my frustrations out for a long time about this person. I know how you feel. It is funny our boss is pretty much over her too and just says it is sad to want a illness like this. Most people pretty much roll there eyes because she has had every disease and illness on the planet. Lord only knows how she is still alive from all of the things she has claimed to have. :wacko:

Hang in there my dear. It will get better,,, I don't think it could get much worse. :love:

[flowergarden]

Paula, I have a take on the therapy thing. If you were to go, it would be for yourself and how to handle your mother.

When I first started going to therapy I was severely depressed. I also had issues with a very controlling mother and a financially out-of-control husband. I became anorexic to deal with it.

The first thing we worked on was trying to separate myself from who my mother and husband were, as opposed to me. I developed better self-esteem and learned to stand up to them. I had to learn how to relate to my mom in such a way that I could listen when I wanted, but not encourage her. I could set boundaries as to what I wanted to hear and how many intrusions I would allow in my life.

I started going around her to contact my siblings. I'm learning that it's OK to not want to see my parents. It's OK not to buy in to their problems. Soemtimes I listen to them, sometimes I don't. But I've learned that it's MY choice and I don't have to feel giulty about it.

Therapy has been my lifeline. I see a psychologist who is a pastoral counselor and very highly trained. But most of all he's compassionate. :love:

This is always one option open to you. It couldn't hurt. :flowers: :flowers:

[Clare.T]

In a gentle tone of voice and with great sympathy no reproach, stop enabling her and allowing her to emotionally abuse you.

Of course you love her and she may have many fine qualities but she is never going to change except by somehow gaining the insight, to acknowledge her problems and getting professional help.
I hope you have been helped by realising you are by no means the only person with such difficulties. In fact a good mother/ daughter relationship seems to be the exception.
Various social pressures and popular myths make it very hard to accept the reality. One is that if only we try hard enough we can put right whatever is wrong. I can't say I ever fully solved the problem I had with my mother but reading books like Mommy Dearest and other frank accounts that were fashionable at a time, was the first step.

We just can't fix every darn thing to make a perfect world like Hollywood romantic movies.

The second liberation came when I was complaining bitterly to my brother about some particular unbearableness of my mother, at my wits end how to deal with it and still be a 'good girl'.
He started laughing and said didn't I realise she was crazy. Well no I hadn't ! But when it was put to me like that it was blindingly obvious and such a relief.

It was not my own fault and I was not responsible for creating my mother's happiness.

My brother also warned me very seriously not to allow myself to get drawn into her world, because that way you lose your soul, your selfhood.

It's a bit of a cliche these days and often mentioned with scorn by professionals but if you can get hold of a book " I'm OK You're OK " you might find it very useful.
If I remember rightly it has to do with 'transactional analysis' and getting the balance between 'child' and 'parent' behaviour. We each have elements in us at times but it is unhealthy to be forced by an over controlling parent who is behaving childishly into a toxic perpetuation of indepence on that parent.

Stick up for yourself and your own needs. I promise the earth won't open and swallow you up nor will you be struck dead by a bolt from the blue.

It's a question of what makes you more wretched. You might decide that you are going to go on as now but that will be your decision taken with greater understanding of what you are dealing with and you can respect yourself for it. You might decide to take partial measures for example that you are going to stop calling her every day. ( What's all that about anyway not that I expect an answer coz that's your business. )
I don't even want to talk with my husband every day when we are apart I'd wonder what was the matter with him if he did start calling everyday It's all to do with how healthy the frequency of contact is how mutually desirable.

Sorry if I have been too outspoken but I hope it is some help to working your problem out as a sounding board, something to react against

Take good care of yourself

Clare

[confused1]

Hi, I fortunately don't have a mom who copies symptoms, but my mom is bi-polar and always in crisis mode. I learned one important lesson years ago and it has made my life much more pleasant: I never, ever, ever tell my mother anything important. If she asks how I'm feeling, I just say I'm fine. She knows about my dx, but I never tell her symptoms or meds or trips to the doctor or anything. It wouldn't help me to tell her and it wouldn't help her and it would create a mine field for me to navigate later. We talk about the weather, the good things my kids are up to, the happy things I'm doing, sewing, the happy things my sisters are up to, recipes..... you get the point. Life is easier this way. I don't have to be constantly in crisis or confrontational mode. She gets no ammunition.

I know we feel a deep need for a mother who will listen to us and counsel us and give comfort. The problem is many of us were born to women who have no idea how to do those things. That's just how it is. So find "other mothers". Women around you who will mother you in some way. Women who can teach you the way to grow older gracefully and to mother others who were born to incompetant women.

Good luck,
Sunny

[helloos]

First thanks for all your responses.

Flowergarden: I know what you mean by setting boundaries. It is hard and I do try to do that. I try to remind myself that she is a sick woman and let things go. I will have to toss the therapy idea around, I am working full time, etc. and between all docs, I have no energy for that and no time. Not that it is an excuse but very tired. I also need to get back into the church seen. I feel lost and like I belong no where.

Clare: No offense ever taken by me. I appreciate everything anyone says in response. To give an explanation of why we talk every day. I was so close my grandmother and we talked every day about 5x's a day. She was my mother, best friend. She has passed away. She also was the crutch to my mother. So when she passed, my mother's depression was even worse which was understandable, her crutch, her mother was gone. So she missed her and knew that we talked every day so she started to call me every day instead. For herself not for me. So it became a daily thing that she would call me in the morning at 9 a.m. and that would mean she got out of bed and started her day and was not in bed, mourning, crying being depressed. However, I don't know what she does after that. So she said she looks forward to calling me daily. It gets her up. So I do it for her. Which would be great, except the conversation starts by her asking me how I am doing, I say alright....which is usually a lie, then she says, I am so tired, I am this that and all her complaints. I brush it off. But she continues. So it never ends, and I feel like I have to talk to her everyday and cannot tell her not to call. I am sort of stuck and the only she has at this point. So, I have to deal with her copying everything I have and everything everyone else has.

Confused: you are so right, we cannot choose our family. I say that all the time, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Some of my friends have mothers who help them so much with their kids, etc. always and mine, says ok, then cancels. Cancels bdays, etc. all the time at the last minute. So now I just don't count on her showing up, if she does it is like a surprise. And I think my mother was once diagnoses with bypolar as well.

[gretchenb5]

Paula,

You have been through tons in the last few months -- I've been here about the same amount of time as you and I've watched you ask good questions and become very assertive in your own health care.

Now you have to do the same with your own emotional care. And it sounds like that starts with your relationship with your mom. I think considering therapy is a very good idea, if for no other reason than to help you learn that you are not in charge of your mom's happiness -- you can't control anything your mom says and does (including, unfortunately, her depression and reactions to her depression), but you can control YOUR reactions to her. A good therapist (and as Karen points out, many pastors and clergy are good counselors -- that would also get you back into your church environment) will be compassionate as well as objective, and will help you see that you are not in charge of your mom's happiness or well-being.

You know we are all here to listen and support you through this, and it won't be easy. Life and relationships are processes, and they're all different. But you don't need the continued stress this relationship is causing you (at least, not the way it's going right now), but there are things you can do about it. Please consider seeing a therapist or clergy-person. And let us know how you're doing.

Hugs,

gretchen :flowers:

[peonyprincess]

:hugbetter:

I too can relate to this subject. My mother sounds like a potential twin to yours :lol: . When I have ailments, then she too experiences them. It is to the point that when she tells the family (aunts, uncles, etc), they think I am seeking attention and that mother is the sick one. I have also found that she likes to use me as an excuse to get out of family doings, such as taking my grandparents to the doctors, etc. She plays grandma went it is convient to her and ONLY when she can gain sympathy or will get some kind of reward. I too do not like to involve her that much in my healthcare because it is not worth the anguish that it causes. She tries to tell me how to live my life, raise my kids, my profession, etc, etc, etc. You get the picture.

I am truly sorry that you too have to live thru all this **** of having a horrible disease and then not have the support that you need. Anytime you want to sound off, please feel free to do so...that is what we are here for. I myself may not always have the right words, but it is not for the lack of trying.

Nancy

[helloos]

Hi Gretchen. It was very nice you saying I was or am assertive about my health care. I didn't look at it like that. You are right and everyone else for that matter. I do need to get myself back into the chuch seen. I am just lost between churches. I grew up as a greek orthodox going to the greek church every sunday. My husband goes to a catholic chuch and is lebanese. Neither one of us look like it though!! So, I stopped going to my church because I did not believe in a lot of things there and the money they were asking, etc. I believe we are all the same, rather it be a higher power, God, or anything someone believes in and that no one religion is right or better than the other. So I started to go to my husband's church and liked the priest, then he moved. Now there is another priest who is strict, not seeming to me to be nice, so I astrayed once more. I pray daily but I have no place to belong !! ( I also do not want to offend anyone by this and respect all of your beliefs if any at all ) So, I have to search I guess.

Hi Nancy. Yes, sounds familar. It is hard not to have a mother who is concerned about her child. They are in a way, but not in the way you need. I am going to try not to involve her in anything I do medically. I know she will ask and I will just avoid from now on. Thanks for the input.

[gretchenb5]

Paula,

If you want to go the clergy route to therapy, that's great. For many people, that's the most comfortable and comforting way to go. Please remember, though, that the goal here is find someone who will work with you in teaching you how to remove yourself enough from your mom's situation to see that you don't control how she thinks, perceives, or lives her life. And that you can be happy without having to make her happy.

Please let me know you've decided to pursue this, one way or another!

gretchen

[jude mack]

Hi Helloos ;)

I am glad you posted this and sorry your mom is not as concerned as she
could be. My mother showed very little concern as well, even though my
sister and I were both ill she just didn't want to hear about it {denile}. There
are only the two of us, and because mom and dad where so healthy, she
figured we should be too. I don't know think I could deal with your situation
though, and I agree with Clare, don't let her do this to you. Tell her how much
you love her, but this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Good luck to you. Jude

[flowergarden]

Paula, I realize you are probably very busy, but to tell you the truth, I found my solace in therapy (with a pastoral therapist). I would give up doing just about anything to go. It is what allows me to make it through each day, through each flare, through each visit with my mother.

Is there a non-specific religious therapy agency in your area? Samaritan Counseling Centers offers counselling without pushing any particular denomination. They are around the US and in Japan. They will also counsel without any religious reference involved, if desired. (They are a non-profit organization.)

Yours sounds like such a desperate situation that my heart cries for you. I hope you find what works for you. :hugbetter: :flowers:

[helloos]

Thanks Sue. I don't know the answer to your question, but I will do some research on it over the weekend.

[helloos]

Hi All.

Thought I'd complain again and figure do here cause probably no one will re-read this one....

Mysteriously my mother has now got acid reflux, after me telling her they thought my chest pains was from acid reflux. After those two days, she now has acid reflux.

I am going to tell her that I have a yeast infection and see if she gets one too.

Sorry to be gross, but watch, she'll have it too.

Sick and tired of it.

Paula

[specialk16]

Hang in there Paula,,, I know it is tough,,, just don't discuss anything with her,,, if she asks you how you are doing, just say fine,,, even if you are having the worst pain of your life and the worst day,, just say fine,,, eventually she won't have anything to go off of,,, and maybe that will quiet her down....

Just a suggestion :hugbetter: