Through sickness and health..

[MariaK]

I don't know where to start but here goes: :unsure:

We have a problem with our sex life. I am saying that we have a problem and he says "sex isn't everything". It's nearly two months now. I have suggested couple counselling which he initially showed interest in but has not followed through. We have, if I am honest, have had problems for over a year. Usually because:

I am too tired.
He is too tired.
He is worried he is going to hurt me.
He has too much on his mind.

Last week he said that I "should have known better" after I approached him. Now I don't know what to do. He is not responding to my non-verbal language now at all. I am getting nothing from him signal-wise. I feel so unattractive, although he tells me he is still attracted to me.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and I am seriously considering cancelling. It is supposed to be a big 'do' as well.

I know sex isn't everything, but it is worth something, isn't it?

I need some help.

Thanks,
Maria

[jjoyl]

:wave: Maria

I have been with my hubby for 11yrs, I am 27 he is 33. When we met i was way healthier than i am now. First i can't be a great help as i dont really know you or your love. But from what it sounds like you love each other, you dont want to give up on that. If you were serious enough to be planning a wedding than you are serious enough to work at it. Sex was a big thing, well my trick is just make it the sweetest, most unbelievable sex he could ever imagine when you are able to. And take major initiative in being the one to start that special moment! He'll come around, use your body language in a way he cant refuse. If he is affraid he'll hurt you assure him he wont. It sounds to me that it is pretty much up to you. I dont think being tired is a good excuse because all of us know once you get started in adult hour your sleepy eyes go away! B) :P :highfive:
Let me know how things are, im pretty good in this department! hehe!!
If you'd like to talk more in depth jjoyl@comcast.net get ahold of me!
Your friend jjoyl /Jamie Joy :coffee:

[alobreto]

Hi, Maria! ;)
I'm an old lady, married years, and I can say that I think what you're experiencing is the passion of infatuation giving way to a more honest look at each other and your relationship. When the eyes of new love are opened to a realistic view of the people you really are, adjustments have to be made by each of you. He isn't who you HOPE he is; he is who he REALLY is. The same goes for you!

It may not be a problem at all, but just a shifting of priorities as you both meet each other as the people you are, without your masks and without your rose colored glasses on! Each of you has a different level of need for physical intimacy.

Even if physical intimacy is not as frequent, it can still be just as rewarding.
Regards,
Angela :flowers:

[rwb200]

I'm a man with a wife with Lupus so I will give you the side that many can't and hope it may help.

You say that he tells you that he does not want to hurt you. This is a big key to me because I have been there.

Sex is important both to a man and a woman as well. But if you are hurting or think you are hurting the person when you do it it can make you feel very bad.

It may not lesson the Love or the feelings of Love that are involved when you do it but it can amke a man feel like he is doing something wrong and that you are just doing it for him if it hurts or he thinks it does.

No man that Loves a woman ever wants to hurt her or cause her pain. The idea of this is not a turn on and makes it rather dificult to do.

[Shelleyshells]

This is a really big issue for me too!

It was good to read a man's point of view. Thank you for sharing.

I have become a great "actress" in order to get what I want.

I have had several discussions as well with my hubby.

I would suggest counseling. It's one thing when you have been married for 25 years and another when you are engaged.

Good luck to you! :flowers:
Shelley

[Melody2]

Hi Maria,

Sex isn't everything, but it is an important thing in a relationship...if both partners are ok with minimal sex, then that's fine, but it is another thing when one partner is wanting more. I have a couple of friends right now who are in perfect health but experiencing this problem and it can be a problem if one person is not happy with the situation. If it is bothering you now, then it is something that you need to address before you get married because problems don't go away when married but sometimes can be intensified. If it's that he's worried about hurting you then all I can suggest is more communication. My husband and I are very good at communicating and that way we can be intimate without one partner wondering...if something hurts then it should be ok to say so, or if you're tired, say so...and you go from there and learn what will work for the two of you where you can both be comfortable. I think it would be unwise to say go ahead and marry if this is an issue that is really concerning you. There is absolutely no harm in waiting to get married until you have this sorted out...a counsellor may be able to help you two address the issues interfering with you having a healthy sex life...and if your fiancee doesn't want to go, it may be useful for you to speak to a professional third party about your concerns and find some strategies in both moving through the issue or figuring out what is best for you. But do not sweep this under the rug, honey, if it is bothering you that much. Ignoring it will not fix it. If sex wasn't everything and love was all you needed even if it meant no physical intimacy, you wouldn't have posted this concern. Everyone has their own opionions about this sort of topic and you may hear many different answers, but I think in this situation you need to follow your heart and listen to your intuition on how best to handle this. My opinion (take it or leave it) :) is that you need to sort out this issue before tying the knot...at least in terms of how you feel about it. Be sure, hon. Yes, things can happen in a marriage that takes sex away due to illness or an accident where it's just not feasible...that is a different story altogether. You know what I mean. But that's not the case here, you are still wanting to be intimate and from the sounds of it you are both physically able, something else is in the way. You decide.

Best wishes,
Melody :luck:

[jude mack]

Hi Maria

I think you both need to sit down and talk about this with each other, rwb
has really given light to how your fiance may be feeling. And maybe therapy
would help, but just being open and honest with each other will help you, not only
now but later in your marriage.

When my husband and I first got together, I acted like it was ok anytime, but he
noticed not only was I in pain, I would get allot of bruises, this only caused him
to walk on egg shells around me and make excuses not to get close, to the point
that I walked out on him for three weeks.

Now we communicate, we are honest with each other, and we take things from
there, if we do , we do, if not there are other ways to be intimate. These things
are better worked out before you get married. There are just to many other things
that come up after marriage. Okay so I will be quiet now.

Best of Luck to you both
Jude :flowers: :flowers: