Motherhood & Lupus

[lullrich76]

Hi Everyone,

I don't want this question to come off as offensive to anyone because I am not trying to be. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting married and then starting a family, it is within our 3 year plan. I know that pregnancy can good or bad with lupus. I am not as much concerned about that as I am about after the baby comes. How hard is it to take care of a new baby when you are so tired? Are there times when you thought that maybe you shouldn't of had a baby? I am worried that I will not be able to give a child what they need all the time and that they will feel neglected. Right now, I have a hard enough time working and keeping the house clean. Is it easier being a stay at home mom? Sorry for the bad questions, it has just been on my mind lately.

[Hatty]

Hi!

I think it is brave rather than offensive of you to question this. To be honest, it is a question that every potential parent-to-be should ask, not just ones with Lupus: I'm sure we all know people who seem to have had children without thinking about the consequences! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

There is no denying that it is harder both being pregnant and looking after children when you are not very well yourself. I have a 14 month old son and am 24 weeks pregnant, and yes, sometimes over the last two years I have thought 'am I mad'? It is difficult to have to drag yourself out of bed sometimes, and to always have someone else's needs coming first, especially when you have built up coping strategies to keep you sane and healthy (mine involved 10 hours sleep, which doesn't happen any more!)

On the up side, having children is absolutely wonderful. My son is such fun, we have a happy time together, and being a family together is the most wonderful experience, as is seeing your man being a wonderful father. You need to be honest with each other to begin with, he needs to realise and be happy with taking more responsibility than some fathers, being prepared to reassure you, do more housework, whatever. He also needs to be good at calming you and making you feel ok when it all seems too much. I don't mean he has to be superman, but he has to understand that sometimes at the end of a day when you are ill and the baby is fractious he will need to try and be superman a bit!

And you? You don't need to be superwoman. You do need to really want to have children for their own sake, not for grandma, not for someone to love you (sorry, but people do), not because you feel you ought to, and not to prove you can do it better (ditto). You can't do it better: you can do it the best you can, which is what we all do. And the best you can involves the best for you and your man too. Yes, carrying them around 24/7 and catering to their every whimper may sound nicer for the baby, but if you end up exhausted and with no relationship with your man then noone ends up happier. I have found (and believe very strongly) that it is important to be realistic about your own needs too, and let the child develop their own independence quite early. I share an au pair with a friend 2 days a week so that I can do some work (I am a translator) and get some sleep,which gives me a bit of time off, and gives him time away from me with his best mate! As a little baby he was always on a schedule (just loosely, basically breast fed every 4 hours, play for a bit, then put down to sleep so that he learned to go to sleep on his own) which may not be fashionable but worked very well for us: he was an extremely happy boy and slept from 11 to 6am at six weeks and I had a bit of order in my life: for me, lupus means that I have to be a bit planned and safe or I get really upset. That sort of thing helps. I do think you need to take things slowly, accept you can't be perfect, accept that some days it will seem too much, don't try to do too much (ie working really hard and rushing around: if you can do some work from home then great, but dont' go mad). Accept all offers of help: anyone, even a responsible 12 year old, can take baby for a walk in the pram while you have an hours' sleep: most people can go shopping for you, do the ironing, give you a cuddle! Do try very hard to cultivate 'baby friends': I set up a baby group in my area and am eternally thankful for my friends who can come round/whom you can visit when you are going a bit bonkers at 11 am and everyone else is at work!

This is a very long answer, and I have not said everything. I find it hard when I go 'ow' because something hurts and my son looks at me and says 'sore' questioningly and I have to explain that mummy's chest/leg/hand is sore today and he gives it a kiss better. It is particularly difficult when I am feeling very scared/ill as one does sometimes and I don't want to upset him by crying: we usually just have a big cuddle and I say that mummy feels a bit sad today. In summary, if you really want to have children, go for it, and it will be made possible by support (friends, man, medical) and by remembering YOU DON'T NEED TO BE PERFECT and WHO CARES IF YOUR HOUSE ISN'T SPOTLESS! HOnestly, we have all had the situation where a visiting child finds a piece of apple/macaroni/biscuit under the sofa and proudly hold it aloft...!

All the best!

Hatty

[Babybelle]

Hi Lisa

You have just asked the very question, that I myself think about very frequently. I got married four months ago, and we are planning on trying for a baby in about 5 to 6 months time (building a house at present, so waiting until we have moved in!). I have been with my husband now for 8 years now, though we only got married 4 months ago. I wonder too what will happen if I have a baby and then if I don't feel well . At present, if I'm not well, I can't move and just want to stay tucked up in bed and not come out until I feel better, but then If I had a baby, I'd have to get up, if my husband wasn't in. I really want to have a family and I can't wait until we start trying, and hopefully it will happen for us. But yes, in the back of my mind, I wonder too, how will I cope, as I could sleep for 12 hours a night, if I got my way, but I don't get that, as I have to get up for work! I also wonder then, would I be able to go back to work after the 6 months or whatever, . Thankfully my husband is very supportive and helpful, great at the housework and is great at cooking, and even takes my horse out for a walk, feeds and cleans her out. So I guess, if you have lots of support around you, parents etc, then you should go for it. Thats what I'm going to do anyway, i'm lucky as my parents live next door to us, so they are always on hand also to help out, when I'm not well.

Also, you can get in lots of practice before then!!!!!

Hope it all goes well for you
hugs

Edited to remove double text style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[annarosa]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(lullrich76 @ Oct 22 2005, 07:37 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Hi Everyone,

I don't want this question to come off as offensive to anyone because I am not trying to be. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting married and then starting a family, it is within our 3 year plan. I know that pregnancy can good or bad with lupus. I am not as much concerned about that as I am about after the baby comes. How hard is it to take care of a new baby when you are so tired? Are there times when you thought that maybe you shouldn't of had a baby? I am worried that I will not be able to give a child what they need all the time and that they will feel neglected. Right now, I have a hard enough time working and keeping the house clean. Is it easier being a stay at home mom? Sorry for the bad questions, it has just been on my mind lately.
[/b][/quote]


<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(annarosa @ Nov 1 2005, 10:01 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(lullrich76 @ Oct 22 2005, 07:37 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Hi Everyone,

I don't want this question to come off as offensive to anyone because I am not trying to be. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting married and then starting a family, it is within our 3 year plan. I know that pregnancy can good or bad with lupus. I am not as much concerned about that as I am about after the baby comes. How hard is it to take care of a new baby when you are so tired? Are there times when you thought that maybe you shouldn't of had a baby? I am worried that I will not be able to give a child what they need all the time and that they will feel neglected. Right now, I have a hard enough time working and keeping the house clean. Is it easier being a stay at home mom? Sorry for the bad questions, it has just been on my mind lately.
[/b][/quote]
[/b][/quote]

Hello

I am 36 years old and i have 2 lovelly girls yes it is hard but it is worth every bit of pain make sure you let all your friends know what your plans are and how they can help and they will all the best
Annarosa xxx

[Mrs H]

Hi there,

I am so glad this topic was started. I am having the same dilema. In am 28 and have been married 2 and a bit years. We are thinking about starting a family in 8 months or so. I have all the worries that were mentioned and more, including the effects of lupus meds. My pred is very low at the moment (1mg) and dropping to none soon. I have also had 5 infusions of Rituximab, which when they give it to you they are very strict on pregnancy - I have to do a test every time I had it and no one who was pregnant could administer it! potent stuff! I think they reccomend a year before you have children. When we are planning will be a year.

The replies I have seen have been really helpful. I think we will go for it - but cant help being nervous.

Mrs H

[lullrich76]

Thanks for all of your replies. I am not planning a family that soon, but I would like to have children. My boyfriend and I have bought a house almost a year ago. It needs some fixing up, so we wouldn't have a baby until we were married and had a bit more money on hand. This is a topic that has been in my brain a lot lately. I am not diagnosed yet, but I feel like I will be very soon. It is something that I really need to think about and of course it all depends on what comes out of my diagnosis. My boyfriend would be ok either way if I am not able to have kids. He is adopted, so that is always another road we can take.

[nicole7]

Hi...Am so glad to see this topic started. This is a question on my mind all the time but I guess I've been afraid to ask. I'm 30 now and know I want to have children...but the timing has never been right in my life. Now I'm getting slightly panicked feeling like I"m running out of time on top of the fact that right now I can't ever imagine feeling well again. Anyway...thanks so much for asking the question.
N

[barefut]

That IS a good question to ask and as the stay-at-home mother of two boys ages 8 and 3 I can tell you it IS hard (pray for a girl! - just kidding!) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

A friend of mine who also has lupus said to me recently, "Thank God for my job or else I probably wouldn't ever even get out of bed."

My job is Mother and even on my WORST days I HAVE to get out of bed.

If you WANT it, you WILL do it and it WILL be hard. Yes, harder than for someone without lupus, but your love and devotion to your children will pull you through.

After I decided to try and get pregnant I had people telling me, "OH your whole life will change!" To this I replied, "God I hope so!"

They were meaning that I would lose my freedom to do this or that....I thought, that's what you think...I'll just do this and that WITH my kids. And I did. And I do.

The ONLY freedom you really lose is the freedom to take a nap anytime you want to, and as a new mom, this is probably THE most precious freedom of all. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/asleep.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

As soon as you hear your baby's cries for the first time, maybe sooner, your priorities change and suddenly it becomes all about him and that's also what pulls you through even on your darkest days.

And there will be dark days but you WILL get through them and the experience of them will make you wiser and a better parent.

Don't isolate yourself. Join a playgroup and make friends with other new parents to talk about the rough stuff. This is absolutely imperative and will also make you a better parent, not to mention help you to keep your sanity.

READ. Read everything you can on parenting and motherhood.

If it is possible to be a stay-at-home mom. DO IT! Not only will YOU benefit from it but your kids will too, in SO MANY ways!

Don't forget about yourself. You're not JUST mom. You're also still YOU and you need to MAKE the time to take care of YOU because time will never just come to you.

Kids teach you so much about life and love and the strength within yourself. You will be utterly amazed at what you can do as a mother with lupus. You will say to yourself, "Not only did I do it and do it well, I did it well with lupus." and that is something to be proud of.

Good luck to you all (but you really won't need it)

Love,
Barefut

PS
I have to chime in with Hatty in saying, forget about a spotless house. If you're a perfectionist, get over it. (this was hard for me)

Also, it IS good to accept ANY help offered and to get hubby on board with housework and diaper changing. (accepting help, also hard for me.)

OH YEA, the new mother's mantra, "NAP WHEN BABY NAPS!" This doesn't mean do the dishes and THEN nap.......use paper plates:)

[lullrich76]

Barefut,

Thanks for your great, honest reply. You made me not so scared after reading it. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif