need advice on mother-in-law issue and husband

[lenabuck]

Hi everyone
With Thanksgiving coming up it's going to be family time coming up and I need some advice. My mother-in-law wants my husdand, our daughter and myself to visit but I am really uncomfortable with this woman. She doesnt seem to want to really be bothered with all of us. I relly feel as if she invited us to here house because it would look bad to not to with all the other family comming over. She lives just 15min away but has only seen our daughter 6 times in her life.( shes two and a half) Shes not really close to my husband any more. When he calls his messages go unanswered most of the time. It seems everything changed after she met me. ( We've been together for 8 years and married for 4) To be honest I feel that she puts up with me. Im black and in the past i've over heard her say she would have rather my husband married white as she put it. There have been other things said and done to make me feel as i do. Shes never out right said that she didn't like me or blacks for that matter. My husband and I have talked about his mother and he does agree with me. I know he loves his mother and her actions hurt him. He said he understands if I dont want to go visit her for Thanksgivig but despite all i know he misses herbut he wont go with out me. I dont know if I should go or not? Also I really want to ask her if she has an issue with me. (Not at Thanksgiving) But I dont know if its worth it. I dont want it to make things worst between her and my hubby. But after eight years I really want to know. If it was just my husband and I it wouldnt bother me as much but my daughter loves her and I wont have her treated wrong by anyone let alone her grandmother. Any advice?
Lena

[Sleaps2much]

I would go for the sake of your child and her father. Decide before you even go that you are going to ahve a great time, with or without her. See if she changes her attitude. My parents, mom rather didnt want anything to do with her grand kids and there was nothing anyone could do about it but you go and see if she can have a relationship with you and your daughter. Remember, you are going to have a good time with our without her, then decide from there.

That's what I would do for my kid - just once if it's unbearable, let us know how it goes.

Sleaps

[Clare.T]

I really feel for you, as far as anybody can identify with another. It is her problem and maybe she is coping as well as she can given her background. My mother had terrible problems with my son- in- law being black.
She hid their wedding photos and wouldn't show my grandaughter's picture once it was obvious that she was mixed race. Mind, she was very, very old then and all these issues were way out of her generation's experience and understanding but she was very conflicted all the same because her feelings were inconsistent with her generally liberal attitudes. She felt she ought to but feared the judgement of others.
Fortunately it didn't matter much in practice because they lived far away and my mother was in a nursing home. That was in the UK : I can imagine in the USA & living within easy visiting distance it is all much more acute.

Leave the door open, give her that chance then you will always know that you did your best for yourself and everybody else. If you don't go, that means you are making your hubby chose between her and you and making closer relationship with her grandaughter even less likely.

Please don't think me presumptious, but remember that family relationships can get very very painful even when colour isn't an issue. Especially the mother- in- law/ daughter- in- law business. It can be **** on earth and heart breaking but sometimes you just have to keep your grief to yourself, maintain your pride and dignity and smile graciously through the heart ache and pain.

All the best and warm hugs

Clare

[confused1]

Hi Lena,

My heart goes out to you. This is the season when families can be an incredible blessing or can cause unimaginable pain.

Go to the celebration. Forget your MIL. Let your husband be with his mother. Let your daughter love her grandmother. Find somebody else there (if you can) to talk to. Wear something gorgeous and a great haircut and be gracious and fun and let the bad taste be in her mouth.

After the holidays, maybe you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with your MIL over coffee, in a public place where both of you will be able to remain quietly respectful of the other.

For now, just know that I think you are a brave person and that I respect the decision you make, either way. If you lived close to me, I'd invite your family to my house for Thanksgiving. It would be great to have a baby around! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/goodvibes.gif

Good wishes to you,
Sunny

[jude mack]

Hi Lena

I feel for you, style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif but I think you should go too, don't worry about your
mother inlaw, she is the one who will look bad if things go wrong. You just go and
do your best to have a good time, and you will know that you at least tired, your
husband will also know. I hope you have a great time!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

Take Care
Jude style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ok.gif

[teabellyjules]

Hi Lena

It is hard, my MIL and I don't get on and I know she doesnt like me although she doesn't say it. It is you and your family that has to make the decision whether or not to go, I feel for you I really do. I agree with the others that if you DO go then there can be 'no comeback' on you cos you made the effort and tried. Sending you lots of style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif and will be thinking of you. Keep your chin up, you are strong.

Love and hugs
Jules
XXX

[lenabuck]

Thanks everyone for your advice. Since my last post I have decided to go and make the best of it. If just for my husband and daughter. I'll try my best with my mother-in-law and maybe just maybe she'll learn to accept things as they are. I just want her to love her grandaughter despite any negitive feeling she has on the race issue. I'll let every one know how it goes. Thanks again!

[Melody2]

Hi Lena,

I'm glad you decided to go, and will be interested to hear how it goes. I just thought I'd add a post too as your post sounded exactly like my situation minus the race issue. My mother in law, and father in law (hubby's biological father loves me though!) :-) for that matter, just don't like me for no apparent reason. Before my husband, any boyfriend I had, the parents loved me...I have never had anyone dislike me before. I realize it is their own pettiness that makes them feel the way they do, and like you, no one comes out and actually announces the dislike, but it is keenly felt by the lack of visits, effort and affection. I think what you may need to do is what I have to do...and that is learn the fine art of pretending for the sake of your family. Just be pleasant, gracious, and the sweet person you always are. Ignore any slights as their problem, not yours, and continue to hold your head high and be polite as always. Sometimes we can't fix these problems...even talking face to face sometimes just can't change a person's opinion of us. So if they are set in their ways, then be set in yours. I look at it as we are the better people for putting our hurt and rejection aside for the sake of our loved ones, and remembering that blood runs thicker than anything. I think in the long run it will keep a greater level of peace and happiness within your marriage if you set aside your feelings for your husband's sake. Maybe your mother in law will accept your child fully into her heart, maybe she won't. But you have the strength and ability to instill confidence in your child and make her feel loved and cherished regardless. But at least she won't have to wonder if she could have had a relationship with her mother in law if you always make it available and leave it open to develop or not develop. Your beauty of character will shine through this all. I cannot pretend to understand the issue of racial differences, and I can only imagine how upsetting and hurtful it must be. But there are so many things other than the color of our skin that can make people choose to dislike someone...those people are ignorant and are losing out on a lot with their narrow mindedness. They aren't worth the worry or hurt. Just feel good in who you are and the fact that you have a loving husband and child and many others who care about you. I am still trying struggling to keep my hurt at arms length for the sake of my husband, but I can see that it makes life easier for him to not have to choose. And that makes it worth it to me.

Take care,
Melody style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif

[mellowflyer]

Hello Lena!

[ollie]

It does not matter what colour skin you have there are good and bad in all races. Its what's inside that counts, so what if your fat, thin, old young, people judge for all the wrong reasons if your beautiful inside what difference does the outside make. I am glad you are going, your mother-in-law may never except you but let her know she has a grandchild and a son that you love very much. Hopefully she should see sense, but never give up trying. Some people are very set in there ways but change is never impossible. She may be feeling left out, mothers find it hard to let go of their children and spouses are often often not up the their expectations. Go and have a lovely Thanksgiving style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/santa.gif
Your very brave and are a beautiful person, remember that.
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif


Love Ollie

[zara]

I am the product of a mixed-race marriage. I grew up in Tennessee and at the time my parents got married it was illegal for them to marry in that state--they had to go to Texas. Keep in mind, i am only 29 years old.

My mom is mostly black, but her mother was half Cherokee. My dad is white. Neither of their parents were happy about the union at first. My dad was shocked that my black grandad would not be happy that my mother was marrying a white man, but they eventually became good friends.

My white grandmother was totally against the marriage as well. In fact, when I was born she told my dad not to bring his nappy-headed children to her house. I have beautiful dark brown curly hair that I can also wear straight. He is from a big land-owning former slave-owning family in the south. I think some of them are still bitter they lost the civil war. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

Anyway, she came around and loved my sister and I. How could she not--we were so darn cute. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif My mom and her never really spoke. They were cordial at best. My grandmother rarely visited our house and my mother rarely went to her house. I never really became close with my dad's side of the family, but for me i don't see it as a loss. I have enough people who care about and love me. I don't need their drama.

Btw, I was completely oblivious to the tension between my mom and grandma when i was younger.

[joannemc]

Hi Lena, This must be a tough situation for you. As long as you know you and your daughter are treated with respect, I would take a chance and go and have a good time. However it does sound like its an issue or you wouldnt be talking about it. After the holiday I would talk to your husband and have him have a talk with his mother.(Its his responsibility) And get to the bottom of this problem. He needs to stand up to his mother and see if she does have a problem. Does she know she is welcomed to come see her grandchild if so, then I think thats terrible that she has only seen her 6 times in 2 and a half yrs, and only lives 15 min. away. But your husband needs to make a stand for both you and your daughter. I hope things work out, you deserve to be happy and not have to deal with needless predjudice. Your family are in my prayers. Hugs....Joanne

[teabellyjules]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif

Hi Lena

I know this is going to sound like a cliche or such but I truly believe that it doesn't matter whether you are blue, red, purple, green, striped like a zebra or have feathers sticking out the top of the head , it is what is inside as a person that is important and there is only one race - the human race. Well thats what I think anyway.

Sending you lots of love and hugs
Jules style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/coffee.gif
XXX

[specialk16]

Lena,
I am very happy that you have decided to spend the holidays with your mother-in-law. I will pray for you to be strong for the sake of your family. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

Love and Hugs