he's having no problem moving on....but me....

[helloos]

I feel annoyed. Aggrivated. Jealous. Selfish. Envious. Angry. My husband seems to be moving along with his life and doing all the things that he wants to do, without me. We used to go out on Sat. nights and now because I am usually sick we don't. He says he doesn't mind. I know he doesn't. He is very supportive. He tells me he loves me, I worry too much. However, he goes out with his friends once a week and they play pool from like 6-10. No big deal. He needs to get out and be with friends. So every week, that night comes, I stay home as usual caues beat from work, so get to be lazy and watch my shows. But then, he goes away once a year hunting out of state about 2 1/2 hours away. He goes for 3-4 days. Again, he enjoys it, I don't mind. I don't like being alone though. I feel as though no matter how sick I am he will still go. It doesn't matter, his foot is out the door! I feel like I am selfish and shouldn't be. I certaintly do not want to be the type of wife that hounds and complains and acts mad about him leaving. So I work through these feelings of guilt and me feeling selfish for the fact that I am not moving on with my life because of my illness. I feel as though, my going out and spending with friends, etc. has decreased. So, here I am staying still and there he is moving on. Do I make sense at all? Now, he comes home the other day and says he has an offer of a lifetime!!!! I was excited to know what was he so happy about? His boss said he invited him to go hunting in January in Alabama....which is across the states from me. Far, far, far....long plane ride....and to boot it off it is with a rifle...which he hasn't used in 10 years. He usually goes hunting with bow. and he said for a week. My face changed, it was noticable. I felt like crying. I was disappointed, feeling like, here he goes again, to go away and have fun and not think twice about me. I said lets eat and he knew I was disturbed by it. He said well, I just wanted to know what you thought. I said does it matter what I think? It ended there. Since then, he went out to the store to look for a case for his rifle to transport it in on the plane and has ordered his safety gun certificate on line and was checking the mail every day. So, he has not brought it up since, but is continuing like he is going. I feel like crying and am hurt. I feel like I am being left in the dust. That he has no problem leaving his family for a week, going that far, dangerous with guns, etc. on a plane, no second thought, as long as he has fun. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way and feel that I should be happy for him that he will go with his boss and his boss will pay for all and that he will have fun and do something he wants to do. I am driving myself crazy. I can't switch off the feelings though either. I did say over the weekend that I feel as though everyone just goes on with their life.

[Clare.T]

He's getting on with his life and it seems to me a very good thing. Presumably you wouldn't be doing these guy things anyway. Everybody needs a break from the ongoing issues of everyday life and I guess he comes back happy and better able to deal with the googlies.

Perhaps you could find some way of pampering yourself, having your own fun while he's away.

Cheer up

Clare

[jude mack]

Hi Helloos

I'm sorry you are feeling so upset. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif Could it be that you see your husband still doing all the
things he has always done, in your eyes moving on. Or could it be that you are now not able to move
on with him as you did in the past, maybe this is what is bothering you. I think if you got really ill, your
husband would stay with you.

I don't think you are being selfish or jealous, I think it is just very hard to watch our spouce's live
their life, because we can't live ours the way we once could. I also think we all go through what you
are going through right now at times. I know when my husband went out of town for a few days, I did
cry, felt abandoned, and that he didn't care if I was sick or not. But that isn't true.

I think with this disease coming at us from all directions, we tend to get emotional, about things sooo
much easier. I now try to say to myself, HE NEEDS A BREAK TOO. That was not meant to be harsh,
or any reflection on you. If you are worried about being alone, maybe a friend or family member
could stay with you.

If the use of guns frightens you, maybe you could talk to him about it. But I do know it is allot easier
to hunt with a gun, and if he use a bow, I'm sure he can handle a rifle. I hope you feel better soon
about this, and don't feel guilty, it seems no matter what goes on, we the loopies, end up with the
guilt trip. Please take care and keep posting. I am sure someone will come along and be able to help
more than I.

Take Care
Hugs Jude


style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ok.gif

[Vida]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif hi

sorry to hear you are feeling so low style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif at the moment i sense from your post that you feel guilty about not being able to go socialising with your husband as you could in the past but it is important to remember that it is you that he comes home to when he has been away because he loves and cares for you and as others have said i am sure he would be there for you if you got really ill.

i understand that you are tired when you get home from work and maybe don't want to go out for the evening but maybe you could occaisonally arrange for some friends to come round for the evening and get a video and some popcorn etc to share so while your hubby is out with his friends you have a girlie night in with your friends.

looking at this situation from your hubby's angle could it be that one of the reasons he does not want to stop going hunting etc is so that you don't begin to feel as if your illness is stopping him doing things he enjoys so that you don't feel begin to feel guilty about being ill.

i hope that you can find a time when you can talk to your husband about how you feel and any concerns you have about the hunting trip he is planning to go on.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

[bugsy]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif <span style="color:#CC66CC">Hiya Helloos

I can understand what you are saying but please let your hubby have some 'normal' time away it does make them stronger and as they say 'absense makes the heart grow fonder'.

My hubby goes out every tuesday and thursday evenings with a group of friends who he goes bike riding with. He recently asked if i could make an effort and try to go out with him at least one of the nights (both would be a bonus but he isn't greedy) when he is out without me he often rings me to see how i am so i know that just because we are out of sight we are not out of mind.

I feel guilty that i think i am holding him back so i am forever telling him to go - especially at weekends on his bike, he works hard all week so he deserves the break, but once he as gone i feel totally lost and lonely.
But it is me that is ill not him.

Take care - love and hugs XxX jo XxX
</span>

[Wallypop]

A simple suggestion that won't be easy.

Currently you are occupying your thoughts with what you DON'T want him to do.

I'd suggest you figure out what you DO want him to do... make it specific enough that he can wrap his head and hands around it.

If you are into concepts you might want to research "deficit motivation." The simple version is that we often try to motivate ourselves based on what we don't have and miss the opportunity to fully appreciate and enjoy what we do have. Our greatest opportunities are found in taking what we do have, leveraging it, investing it and gaining a return on that investment.

In practical terms, forget about the one night he's not home, what are you doing on the other six? (Do the math... he's home 86% of the available evenings - actually even more if you do it based on hours.)

Or, if you have to think about the one night he's not home, the question might be "How am I going to use this time best?"

You are correct, most people do on with their lives as you must go on with yours. Difficult to do, but looking at what you do have is important and doing that well will ultimately change some of those negative, guilty feelings.

[helloos]

Hi all and thank you for all your advice. I might have not made myself sound clear about my thoughts and maybe kept rambling on. I don't mind that he goes away once a year and goes out every Tuesday night. I actually enjoy being home alone and can watch a movie, etc. by myself. It was when he came home and said I have a offer of a lifetime and was so happy. I thought maybe it was something different than it being him going away across the states for a week hunting. So, I was let down by something I thought it wasn't. Then I was thinking, there he goes again, going away, no thought about the family, etc. It was just that I was feeling down and almost betrayed feeling that he would not give it a second thought. Made me feel second. I guess what I would have preferred was a normal converstation about it and us talking about it, rather than get it sprung out like that. I do feel guilty that I am in a stand still and not as active socially as I was before. I guess I am jealous that he is moving forward as before and I am not. When I say this, I am not mad that he is moving forward. I am grateful that he is, and we always support each other. I would not want him to stay home all the time and know it is healthy to get out. I support him when he goes out. He'll say his friend is at a garage and I tell him go hang out if you want. We do not have a jealous relationship and do let eachother do what we want to do. What I wrote are my feelings and thoughts. Not what actually happens. I am just sad for myself and sometimes feel left in the dust.

[jude mack]

Hi Helloos

I get your point now, it is such a let down to think oh boy something new, and then to
find out the something isn't what you had hoped for, as far as being a bit jealous, if we
were all as honest as you are being right now, most of us have been there too, or will
be at some time. Please quit feeling guilty, you have no reason to feel guilty, it's not
like you asked to be ill. Too feel sad for yourself once in awhile is okay too, but try
not to be sad for long, as you still have a life to live, no matter what you feel about it
at the moment.

Take Care and Feel Better
Jude style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

[alobreto]

Hi, Helloos! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif
I can understand what you mean about feeling left out. It's easy to fall into the trap of looking at what you DON'T have or get to do. It's also possible to retrain your brain to pay more attention to the things you DO have and CAN do.

You first must be aware of these negative thoughts that are harming you and your peace of mind. Have a pre decided positive thought to replace the negative thought. Each time the ugly feeling washes over you, become aware of the thoughts that are causing that and IMMEDIATELY focus your attention on the positive replacement thought. You may waver back and forth between the two thoughts in the beginning, but this will improve with time and practice.

Deep breathing while doing this can also help to relax those muscles that turn to knots when the negative feelings and thoughts smack you upside of the head.

You can learn this. I have and it makes life so much better!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[flowergarden]

Paula, my thought about your situation is that maybe you could have a good conversation with your husband about how you felt when he sprung it on you like that. How you might have been expecting it to be something for the whole family, the way he was so excited. Any way you bring it up, it's about communication: "Honey, when you said you had the opportunity of a lifetime, I felt really excited. But when you told me it was a long hunting trip, I felt disappointed that you didn't bring it up as a possibility first. I felt left out of the loop. I want you to be able to go, but I'm worried all the same."

Do you think that might help? I hope I read you right.

[helloos]

Hi everyone and thanks for listening to the ranting and raving..... good advice given ane I appreciate you guys so much !!!

Sue. Yes, you read me right. That is good avice and a good way to put it.

Thanks style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[helloos]

Just wanted to let you all know that we talked about his going away and he is going for 9 days !!!

Ok this was a shocker. I told him how I felt that he didn't even think about us first and how would be or what if storms, etc. etc. his family...... He admitted that he didn't even think about us first at all. Well, that was nice. At least he was honest. He said that he would tell them he wasn't going to go. He understood how I felt and thought he was being selfish by only thinking of himself.

I told him I didn't want to be that type of wife to say no you can't go, that I was just hurt that he didn't think of his family first just that he wanted to go.

So, needless to say, he is going because I couldn't stand it if I were the reason he was staying. So, he is happy but I am still mad. BUt I don't show it.

Sorry, just being honest here, I am mad and jealous that he is going for that long when I am the one that needs a vacation and to be away from it all. So jealousy is not good and being mad is not good and I am trying to overcome it, but boy is it hard. Only because I fight within myself without him knowing. I don't want him thinking I am selfish which obviously I seem to be. Oh well, I guess I am not perfect.

[alobreto]

Hi, Paula! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
I think I'm finally understanding what you've been saying. My brain is not up to speed at the moment, so it can take me awhile to get the gist of things.

Since he is going on a long holiday, is there any reason that you can't take some time for yourself when he returns? You don't have to even leave the city.

When I was much younger and a single mom with a roommate who was a single mom, we took turns taking a weekend away from home. Our funds were limited but we still got to have a restorative time to ourselves. She would stay with friends and spend the weekend days horseback riding at a local stable. I'd go to a motel and read books the whole time.

Neither one of us felt put upon to watch the other's children and we felt so much better after our own time alone that it was well worth the small financial outlay.

You might even consider taking a longer time if it will fit in the budget. The world will continue to go around while you relax. It's easy to send ourselves on a guilt trip about taking personal time when what we really need is a trip to a spa!

Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[flowergarden]

Paula, I was just thinking the same thing as Angela. (Great minds think alike.) When he gets back it might be your turn. Do you have a lupie friend you'd like to visit? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif Or a garden or craft show? Maybe a long trip to Lupie Island style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif . Even a number of trips to the theater. Possibly spend a few days at a friend's, watching videos.

Ah, a spa!!!

Woops, thinking of that, I left the paraffin hand dip turned on. better go.

If you think of anything, let us know!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif