am i a jealous control freak???

[Crystaleta]

hi everyone, i hope everyone is doing well. i'm gonna appoligize now for the followng rant! i just really need to get it out and you guys are always so helpful to everyone else. well this week has been ****! i have fought with my boyfriend every night this week over the same thing. our problem is he likes to go out alot and i hardly ever do because at the end of the day i am exausted! all i want to do is veg out in front of the tv and go to sleep. so my compromise would be he only go out a couple times a month. his compromise was would be he goes out every single weekend (friday and saturday) compared to everyday. i told him that was just unacceptable when he has a girlfriend here at home. i totally understand he needs to go out and have a few beers with his friends, but not everysingle weekend. then he throws me the," none of my friends have this kind of situation or none of my friends have a "parole officer" (me)" and its true, none of his friends do have this problem because none of them have girlfriends much less one that they live with. i told him he cant have a single life and then have me too. it doesn;t work like that and if thats what he wants, just tell me and i will move out. i feel like his actions are showing me he doesn't care but he tells; me he loves me and wants things to work out. i told him to tell me that he either wants me to stay and he is gonna change or tell me i just don't feel the same and i think we should call it quits. i atleast deserve the truth wheather it hurts me or not, i would rather know. i feel like i am not a priority in his life. its friends, drinking, work, school and then me. i don't even like to answer the phone when he calls at the end of his work day just because i know its gonna be, "i'm gonna go have some drinks after work is that cool?" and when i say no he gets upset. i honestly don't mind it if it were once in a while. but its gotton to the point to where i don't even get invited anymore. i hate it! i know this is gonna sound selfish, but i think he should be here with me most of the time. i feel like we are against eachother instead of there for eachother. i don't even tell him whats going on with me health wise ( which is not good at all, severe kidney problems again!!) but then i do want to tell him so maybe he will feel bad and want to stay here with me. i've even told him that he stresses me out so much, its no wonder why i'm not getting any better! I know that sounds crazy but i don't know what to do! we live together, i'm on his insurance, and now he is trying to get a job out of state where we wont know anyone! i don't want to go because of times like this. i just want to leave and not come back. I don't have anywhere else to go except home to mom and dad in another city, but my life is here. i just got a new job, i'm going to school and really don't want to leave. Sometimes i feel like he thinks he can do what he wants because i need him for financlial reasons and insurance reasons. which is true!
This has been an issue for over a year already. Last year when i was hospilized for two weeks for kidney failure, he would visit during the day every single day, but had a party one night as i was almost dying in the hosptial. then the week i got out he had another party for a friend and i was doing 80 mg of prednisone at that time and was crying all night long for no reason ( side effect of prednisone, crying for no reason) and he didn't check on me at all. that hurt my feelings so bad! it was like i didn't matter. i get no sympathy from him at all, doesn't ask how my dr. appts. went, doesn't ask whats wrong with me when he sees me struggling to get out of bed, no "what can i do to help, no help around the house. all i ask him to do is throw the garbage out and clean the toilets and he has a fit! he acts like i'm asking for something absurd! I honestly think he is the most selfish man alive but I still love him. our good times are fantastic! i love when he comes home from work and just stays here with me. i feel so lonely and desperate for attention from him.
I never used to be like this. before i got sick, i was the one at the bars and would invite him to meet me, i was the fun one with all the friends, i was so outgoing, fun, and had lots of friends. now it seems that since i've been sick on and off this past year, my phone stopped ringing, i'm not getting invited anymore (i would usually say i wasn't feeing too good now, but its still nice to be invited). i feel like such a loser with no friends, a boyfriend who treats me like (you know what) and doesn't think anything is wrong with him, its just me. i feel desperate and don't know what to do. he's this smart person with a good job and is graduting college next month. i'm the one without a job (my doctors decision) and is struggling with my class load. i really want him to change so bad! and i feel like i'm at the end of my ropes! someone please help me! i need lots of suggestions. i know that i need to change to but how? what do i need to do?
thanks for reading this, sorry to be rambling on but just needed to get this out of me!

[nicole7]

Hi Crystaleta
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Wow...I feel like I was reading about myself a few years ago. I can really empathize with your situation. I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you my own experience. I'm 30 now and nothing has really changed. He didn't magically grow up one day...he didn't give up his friends...I still spend a lot of nights feeling the way you've expressed. I'm dependent on him financially much of the time too...and it's a bad feeling for me to even wonder if that's why I'm here. If you ever want to talk...feel free to PM me anytime.
N

[alobreto]

Hi, Crystaleta! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
I think you should read what you wrote in your post. Twice maybe.

It's obvious that HE has not changed a whit, and that YOU have changed dramatically. Of course, it's been a painful change for BOTH of you. I'm sure that just as you miss being able to go out with him, he also misses being able to go out with the old you.

The fact is, you KNEW what he was like when you go together and he is the SAME as he was then with enjoying the night life.

Another fact: You don't have the same commitment between you that a married couple has. You are in a TRIAL situation much like dating, even though you share a bed and abode. Like you said, you can just walk away, and so could he.

It's really all up to you at this point about what to do about the relationship. You knew what you were getting and you have to decide if you still want that same thing. If you do still want a party animal, then you need to change the way you feel about being alone nights. It isn't fair to him to try to force him to be something he is not and then make him feel bad when it doesn't succeed.

I hope things progress as smoothly as possible and that you're able to make the best decision for both of you.
Best regards,
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[helloos]

Sounds like a situation everyone is in in their younger years. It is called love and learn. I would say from your post that he is immature and still in the partying mode with his friends and not ready for a "relationship". It seems that you are and you are now noticing that maybe this guy is not what you want long term. I know what you mean and agree with you that he shouldn't be going out every night,a relationship won't work that way. That seems to be just a guy who wants to have his fun. Well, in this life you CAN have both, but your relationship comes first. It is a hard decision to make but I know you know what the decision is that needs to be made. Don't let the fact that you are used to each and need each other for reasons like money/ins/etc. cloud your thoughts. Things work out when you make changes. You may need to make some adjustments but it will all work out. Being strung along is not helping you at all. You deserve to be happy and have someone by yourside putting you first.

I would say you need some thinking to do here and maybe there is a prince elsewhere.

[DaisyP]

Oh dear Crystaleta. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif

Do you feel any more sorted now you've written this all down. I agree with Angela, go back and read what you've written and then consider the following:

1. You say he goes out with lads who don't have girlfriends, naturally they're out on the pull, why is he out?

2. You say you no longer get invitations out - why not ring a few girlfriends and ask them out? I know you're tired and it is hard to motivate yourself but just start with a coffee at lunchtime, or choose your best time of day and when you are out Don't Talk About Your Illness!!

3. Is it time you split up for a while? You seem to be drifting apart, just because you have a new job in a new city doesn't mean it has to be with this man. If you ask me all that is happening is that you are increasing your stress levels and making yourself even more ill.

4. Or give yourself some "Me" time: go get your hair done and relax with a gentle massage, buy some new clothes, put on some make-up (if you can wear it, I can't because of my malar rash!) and perhaps just one night this week try to go out with him. You will be exhausted but you may rediscover the other you.

5. Remember YOU have the illness. The illness DOES NOT HAVE YOU. You can carry on - it is hard. On Wednesday I went out with some girlfriends, we'd had it arranged for a couple of weeks. When I got home from work on Wednesday I was shattered, the joints in my chest, arms and legs were on fire, I felt really ill but I went out, luckily one of my friends had arranged to pick me up because if I had had to walk to the bus stop I couldn't have done. We parked next to the restaurant so I didn't have to walk far and we had a great night.

Please, please don't despair - you don't have to be ruled by your illness, you were the life and soul of the party and you still can be, infact you're rarer visits will probably make you more so.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif Daisy

[alobreto]

I must agree with Daisy that even though it is hard to push yourself to have some together time with your friends, it is so important to NOT be dependant on only ONE person for feelings of well-being and emotional intimacy.

It also takes a lot of pressure off of a relationship, even though that might be your primary relationship.

I wish you well as you continue on your way toward making your life better!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[jezabelle]

I think you should ask yourself, "how much cr*p am I willing to put up with?" That is the ultimate relationship question, no matter what the situation. The answer to that will decide everything. I think the other girls gave you great advice and suggestions. I on the other hand think that the person who is your mate/partner/common-law/whateveryouwannacallit should feel the affects of this disease, and their life should somewhat be altered also. I wouldn't care if he always went out to bars before the symptoms started, or if I always went out too. This is after the fact, and your life has been changed and so will your life together. Fine if he occasionally wanted to go out "with the guys" or whatever, but his main concern should be about you. The person he's made a committment to, and YES I believe that living together is a committment. I've done it both ways legal and not, and I expect my partner to make me a priority behind no one other than his, mine , or our children!
It sounds like your guy wants a trophy mate, someone he can pull out and dust off at his convenience ~ CR*P!!! I'm sure behind all of the immaturity he's showing, he's a great guy. Unfortunately like a lot of men out there he has to deprogrammed of bachelorhood and programmed with adulthood and life as an equal partner. These things do not come naturally to a lot of men style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif I know, 'cause I'm with a man who needs a reality check usually about once a month.
Weigh out the Pro's and Con's, and don't not allow yourself to feel guilty for anything! Guilt is wasted energy! You know you're not with him just because of his insurance and money issues, and don't stay with him because you think he needs you or you need him. You should be together because you WANT to be together, not because you need to be together. If you discover that you are willing to deal with the relationship you have now, and won't be miserable because of it ~ then definitely stay! But if you are unsure, then you need to discuss it with your guy and let him know how you feel. Not trying to make him feel bad for you, or feel guilty. Just to let him know where things stand, and to give him the opportunity to decide whether he thinks the relationship (you) is worth changing a few things in his life for.
Been there, done that!
Best of luck to you! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/goodvibes.gif

[teabellyjules]

I feel for you, I really do style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif

Is there any way that a compromise could be reached about the going out every weekend? Maybe if he went out every other weekend and spent the other 2 weekends at home with you cuddled on the settee watching a video or something. I feel that relationships need compromise from both people. It must be hard to have to deal with being ill by yourself, is it that he is worried about you but can't face it that he doesn't discuss it with you? How long have you been together? Please don't feel guilty about not being the 'life and soul' cos your health is more important than that. Are you able to sit down and talk calmy with him and clear the air? Resentments build and build and then things can be said that you both may regret.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive vibes
Love and hugs
Jules
XXX

[RAD1]

Hi! and style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif


Just an ole woman here to say I'm really sorry for your situation. You sure need some friendship and you need to make a decision to stay in touch with your friends!! They can be a comfort to you in times like this. This man wants and needs to have the best of both worlds and he can not feel your "pain", even tho he may say so. You need some kind of life, you need to think of yourself SOME girl!! Go for counceling, no you're not crazy, but it sure can help you sort out things in your own mind and use his d*#n insurance style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mad.gif
Gather up your friends, keep the lines open, don't shut your world down, unless you just can't put one foot in front of the other, your emotional health is so critical, it really is.

Just my 2-cents worth and I hope your're not offended with me. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/shakehands.gif

Ruth