Just a rant on being judged

[barefut]

Just had, as Oprah would say, an "AHA!" moment. I just figured out why I don't ask for help. I'm afraid of being judged. And I figured out where I got that from. My parents. They have made me what I am today. My mother shamed, ridiculed, and demoralized me into believing I'd never amount to anything. My father fed me his philosophy of life that, you're born, you work your ass off at a job you hate, then you die. And, me being the good girl I am, I did exactly as I was told and taught and I lived up to every expectation they had of me. Yet now I am still being judged, and compard to my overachieving sibling.

Sometimes I want them to know what I struggle with day to day and how things are harder for me, living with lupus, than if I were not. Maybe I want them to know that I have a valid excuse for not achieving everything I want to achieve as quickly as I'd like it to happen.....going back to school, getting divorce, starting my in home preschool/daycare......

Then I think, everytime I have ever mentioned my struggles, they treat me like I am only complaining and looking for sympathy and excuses. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but in the long run I think being damned if I don't is the lesser of the two evils because at least then I'm not being judged as well. My sensible voice tells me that I need to do things my own way and in my own time because its my own life but does that also mean I'm not allowed any help?

So, suffering in silence, alone, is the way to go. At least I have my online support. (which is also looked down upon)

At one time in my life, after graduating from college, and struggling to find decent paying work and a place to live, I found myself actually homeless for about a week. I had a job but nowhere to live. I lived in my car and I thought there is NO WAY I would ever ask my parents for help. I'd rather live in a cardboard box and eat from a garbage can than ask them for help and you know what? I'm starting to feel that way again because every time I think its okay to ask for help, and that nobody survives in this world alone, BAM! I'm judged for it.

I hear in my head and sometimes actually from the horses mouth....."yea, I've got to BAIL HER OUT AGAIN! She's so stupid she can't manage her own life and she's in a mess. SHE WOULDN'T BE IN THAT MESS IF SHE ONLY WORKED HARDER, CHOSE HER MATE BETTER, GRINNED AND BEARED IT, TOOK BETTER CARE OF HERSELF, ATE BETTER, EXERCISED MORE, IGNORED IT, WASN'T SO LAZY........." And we all know that FAT = STUPID and the FATTER YOU ARE THE STOOPIDER YOU ARE.

Maybe there is some truth to some or even all of that but I don't need to be judged by the people who are the closest to me. The people who are supposed to love me and care about me and support me in happy helathy times and in sad, unhealthy times, UNCONDITIONALLY, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

I don't know why I'll never learn my lesson. I don't know why I keep letting my guard down and going back to trusting people with my feelings and my life. I am so done. I hope I mean it this time. I can't take getting hurt by the ones I love the most again.

I will do it all, all by myself again and I will not ask for help anymore with anything and I will not let them in on what is going on with my health anymore either. It's not like they've ever ASKED ME about my health anyway, even when I've given them ANY info. SO I guess they.....A) Don't Care or b. Don't want to hear about it. (thus A as well) Why can't I take a hint?!

Well, I guess I'm about done ranting.

[helloos]

Hi Barefut.

Wow, you sound like me.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/coffee.gif have a cup of coffee , smell the flowers style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif
and try to relax. (((((((((((((((((deep breathes))))))))))))))))))))))))). I try to do this when I have things happen like you feel. I can relate though!!!

It really stinks when you can't rely on your parents. Let me tell you this...my mother copies everything that happens to ( i have discussed this in lenght on this board under family.......) She thinks she has every disease in the book, so when she asks how my doctors appointment is, and start to tell her, I get cut off, not listened to, and then 1 week later she has the same problem/symptom. She wanted to even go to my doctor for herself to say she has lupus so that the same doctor will diagnose her with it. Everone on line gave me the advice to stop telling her things... and I did. So now she doesn't copy me cause she doesn't know what is going on. She asks, I say oh just feeling bad, and change the subject. My father, well, we didn't get along all of my life, until the past few years, but being a man, we don't talk about stuff like that.

I think it is aweful that your parents treat you like this. You are absolutely right saying that you should be able to ask for help and not be judged. The thing is you cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So with that, we are all your friends here, and I hope that you have some close friends there that you can talk too.


I sometimes want to scream at my mother and tell her how I feel but that would end up with her committing suicide, which I have seen all of my life. So, I cannot express my feelings, ask for help, etc. to her at all.

Maybe some outside help will be helpful if you decide you should see a counselor. I am in the process of debating that situation myself but others here are so for it and express that it really helps a lot with their situations and adaption of the disease.

You should be able to ask for help. I don't know how your parents are other than what you have said, but would a letter telling them how you feel help? Maybe putting it all in a letter of how you feel judged by them and that prevents you from seeking help, etc. in nice words of course? I don't know if they would take to that, but I think if my kids wrote me a letter, you have time to read it, no argument or comments about it, you have time to read, process, think about it and respond in a better way. Maybe they need to know how you are struggling and that should not be making you feel that way. You should not be alone. Not now or ever especially struggling with Lupus.

So, if you can't make communication with your parents, and you have close friends to lean on, and you say no to counseling...... then you are going to be alone. You need to make some adjustments so that you are not alone and this board should not be talked down on...shame on whoever says that. This is my support, right here, on line with all of you.

I hope I didn't say things wrong, or ramble for you. I understand what you mean about family and feeling alone...... maybe someone will give better advice????

[here]

I think more people than you know can relate to both of your situations. It is hard to go through life when you have to live in such a judgemental world. Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to share. I think it is human nature.

Unconditional love sounds so simple and yet it is so hard to find... parents, friends, anyone. And, well, life when it is hard makes us become more closed to others, untrusting, and flustrated.

I don't know what happened all of the sudden to make you feel like this again. I understand... I really do.

I just pray that you find one person in your life that will love you unconditionally that you can share your feelings with and feel like you are not being judged.

There is so much truth to what you say it is unreal. It even made me smile a little because you are so right.. no matter what choices you make someone is going to critize them.

So, and this is hard (and I must admit I have a hard time doing it too... major hard time), but think, if they are going to critize you, who cares? Let it roll off your back. And when you drop your guard down, if they send in the guard dogs, just make friends with the dogs and move on.

As hard as it may seem, you have to live life the way you see fit. You can't live to please people.

Remember stress only adds fire to many diseases... so learning to cope and let go can be a major part of avoiding flares and improving your life style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

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[HelenS]

hi, it doesnt sound like you will ever get the support you need from your parents, have you tried counselling?

helenxx

[alobreto]

I agree with Helen that it would be a very good thing if you could locate a caring counsellor. If you're a religious person, many congregations can provide mental health help at no cost to you through their faith organizations. Some with a religious perspective, but not necessarily so.

You can also call the Crisis Line in the blue pages of your local phone book to get a referral to a low or no cost counselling service in your area if you're in the US.

Both my parents are dead and they were as nutty and unhelpful (hurtful) as your parents sound.

A good counsellor can help you understand the best ways to cope with your situations and help you become more able to choose appropriate and healthy friendships.

When you grow up in a goofy family, it is dang near impossible to know how to do that without some additional training once you figure out you aren't very good at picking the best relationships.

I wish you the best as you move forward!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[barefut]

Thank you sweet people, for taking the time to read and respond to my rant.

I have gone as far as looking in the phone book for a counselor and I found an ad with a photo of a nice looking woman who says she specializes in health issues, grief, and family relationships and she accepts my insurance (now if my insurance will accept her) She sounds like a good place to start. I will set up an appointment with her.

After ranting like that I always feel good at first, then I feel bad. I don't like publicly bad mouthing my parents. They are not bad people. They have their problems too and they have made mistakes, and still do, don't we all! So here is my public apology to them. I'm sorry.

The only way I see for me to be able to have an easy relationship with them is for me to just not share any of my personal strife with them anymore and just smile when they ask how's it going? and tell them everything is just peachy.

I do have one good friend who is the most NON judgemental person anyone will ever meet and I treasure her, though she seems to rarely have time for me anymore.

When it comes to friends and family I have learned that nobody is going to meet all of my expectations for being the perfect friend/confidant/support person. But that there are good and bad qualities in each of them and I need to choose to confide in the person who is right for my needs and overlook or forgive their bad qualities.

For example, I have a friend who can't keep a secret, but she has always been there for me when I needed her for child care, or a ride to doctor appts, or even just a stick of butter.

I have another friend who will go to her grave with my deepest darkest secrets but she isn't the greatest at being there for me when I need feedback and emotional support.

Sometimes I feel like seeking counseling is like paying someone to be your friend. Paying for what you should be getting from your friends and family but aren't. Paying for someone's discretion and confidence. Paying for someone to just listen to you and offer non judgemental advice and support. It's a pity people can't find that in their friends and family.

Oh well.

Thanks again hellos, here, helen, and alobreto

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[flowergarden]

Barefut, counseling is so much more than paying for a friend! It may seem like that for a while, but it's a way I'm learning things that I missed in my growing up. My mother was a child who never got what she needed emotionally from her parents. My dad was the same. They didn't know how to parent in an emotionally healthy way. They still don't.

My therapist talks about therapy being a way of reparenting the client. I admit to feeling very, very young when I started, and now I'm a teenager! I'm learning to find my own way and distance myself from my parents. My mom can make such hurtful statements, or sometimes just never respond to something that has been awful for me. After the initial shock, I realize that she doesn't have the empathy to give. She has to judge because that is how she was raised.

I'm never going to get what I need from my parents. Period. Therefore, I'm going to have to find a way to provide what I need for myself. (That's what my therapist says anyway; I'm not quite at that point yet style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/scaredy.gif .)

Here's something to try: the next time you hear your mom or dad run you down, stop for just a second and ask yourself how tall you feel. One time I was talking to my mom on the phone when she started in on me. Suddenly in my mind's eye I was short enough that I could see the underside of the counter. That put me at what, 3 or 4 years old? That's what I felt like at that time.

Also, the therapeutic relationship is an approximate relationship. It's not a friendship and not strictly professional. It's somewhere in between. The person can teach you how to do things, and you get to practice on them. If you're in therapy long enough, you will each make an impression on the other's life.

The therapist's office can become a very safe place, too.

This is not what I intended to write when I sat down. But I hope it helps. I don't envy you going through all you are right now. It sounds like me 8 years ago, only I was anorexic instead of having lupus.

Oh, and remember, if you don't like the first therapist, after a few sessions, by all means, find another. You should feel quite comfortable with the person you see.

Good luck. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[chantal]

Hey Barefut, it sounds like ur doing pretty good and should be pretty proud of urself. You have put urself though university, and you have so much pride and your so strong you made it that one week on your own without a place to live

I just want to say you sound like an amazing woman. I also wanted to say the same thing, it would be really hard to have an over achieving sibling, its hard for me even though I love my sister I feel so jealous of her of her health and her looks and how everything is just seems so easy for her. As for my family I feel like every time I talk about my Lupus, I feel like they must just think im complaining and making excuses.

If I were your parents I would be so proud to have raised such a strong independent woman who has faced so many challenges and still made it on her own, and I hope that counseler helps you out
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tilly

[helloos]

Hi Barefut again.

After I read your response it reminded of something I once read. But, I cannot remember the whole thing the way it written, but to sum it up it said, that people are sent to you for reasons and that is why you may have a best friend for a certain amount of years, then you never talk to that friend again for whatever reason...you have friends/people sent to you for different reasons and when that reason is fulfilled they or you move on from them. I thought about this and made me feel better about the friends I lost either through death or just by nothing at all...... one friend was fun so when I needed laughter, she provided it, one friend was a serious listener, so when I needed to talk she listened, one friend was honest, so when I needed an opinon whether it hurt or not I knew I'd get the truth, one friend was sort of like a preacher/counselor and when I was at the worst point in my life she guided me, helped me, supported me. I don't talk to that person anymore as we lost touch for no reason but she was sent to me when I needed her and taken from me when I didn't...... I think you get my point, I think the story also said something about guardian angels send these people to you ....... oh well, hope I didn't get off track here....

[barefut]

Thanks tilly style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif I don't hear people call me a strong woman very often (except for here). You make me feel good. It is hard being compared to overachieving sisters. Maybe "overachieving" isn't a fair statement, but "highly sucessful"


hellos,

That makes perfect sense to me! I totally believe in guardian angels. It's sad though that we lose people who have been precious to us during a particular phase of our lives but I guess its all part of The Plan and meant to be.

If you remember or run across that article, let us know!

Thanks,
Barefut




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