mom in law advice please!!

[tjjd]

Hi guys! I need help. I don't know if i'm being overlly sensitive or what so be honest with me!! This is my first year without my mom (she recently moved out of state). So I will be having my first Christmas at my home. My brother and grandma are coming. (along with me, hubby, and 2 kids). So last fri I got an email from my hubbys step dad saying that his sis will be down (with her hubby) and that his step dad and mom want to come too but don't know if they can.(they live 12 hours away). This is the first I've heard about them wanting to come. So Sunday I talk my hubby into calling his sis. and they say yes they are definately coming, and that mom said if his sis comes she wants to come too. So they call his mom to see if they are coming or not. And she tells them they don't know because thay don't want to leave their 2 labs in the kennel. And if his sis would call us & ask if they could bring them! I'm a dog person, but we already have 2 dogs and thats stressful enough. She is just a very judgemental woman and it's a ton of stress to have them here. I know I would be happy if it was my mom coming. I guess I'm just looking for validation that this is extremely rude. I have to go buy more food, add to my menu to feed everyone, sigh. okay thanks for letting me unload and thanks for reading this I tried to keep it short. And any advice would be helpful!!

[jude mack]

Hi tjjd

I don't think you are being overly sensitive, I would think they were rude too, and you really don't
need the added stress. Why can't they call themselves about bringing the dogs, why haven't they
actually talked to YOU about coming. To have to go out to buy extra food is stressful for unexpected guests.

Have you been able to tell your husband about how you feel about all this, and let him know how stressful it is for you. Sending calming vibes and good thoughts, maybe things won't be as stressful as you are antisipating.

Take Care and Happy Holidays
Jude style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/santa.gif

[rwb200]

Not sure if it is rude or just poor communication. I have a few questions.
Why did they think it was OK to come ? Did someone tell them or give them the idea to come ?

As for the dogs I would say no to the dogs. You are going to have a house full of people and the addition of two more dogs would be just way to much. Who knows if you nicely say sorry but we are going to have way to many people and the dogs would not work they may decide to just not come.

If they have just invited there self with no invite of any type then I would have no problem with saying I'm sorry but this will not work we aleady have plans and we wont be able to do it. If they get mad thats fine maybe next time they will call and talk to you before they make arrangments to come over.

If you do it is strickly up to you and your husband but I would tell him upfront if they come then you are going to have to help me out that day. I can't cook for all of us and do all of the work involved with this many people.

[mamascan1]

Hi,

Wow! I too have had m-i-l problems through the 15 yrs of my marriage. We are both strong personalities and clash from time to time. I do think it very rude his mom didn't call you herself. As for them imposing on you about the 2 labs, I am an animal lover but it seems far too much to ask to bring them. You already have enough on your plate. I would personally have your hubby call her and tell her that it is too much to bring the dogs but you'd both love to see them. If she gets miffed, let her, it's her problem. I feel by having your hubby make the call to his mum it shows he sides with you, as he should as your hubby. If he won't do this for you tell him the care and responsibilities of the dogs is totally up to him, and you will hold him accountable. Gee, aren't I the pis&* one? Ha!
Let me know how it comes out.

Hugs and Best Wishes,

Michelle style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[alobreto]

I agree that when it comes to ANY kind of problem with in-laws that the mate who 'owns' those family members is OBLIGATED to take care of the problem AND also communicate any limits that are to be set. They have no right to know how those limits came about, just that they exist and will be enforced.

Hubby needs to tell them that if they bring their dogs the dogs will have to stay in the car. As for making travel arrangements that is NOT your job. They are hubby's family members and if HE doesn't want to make their arrangements, then HE needs to tell them so HIMSELF.

Holidays can be stressful because many personalities are combined that can irritate each other. I hope you can tell hubby that HIS family is HIS responsibility. You may have to do some extra shopping, but there is NO reason you need to take on the role of policing the bahavior and requests of HIS mom and dad!

I hope things come off as positively as possible!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[tjjd]

Hi Guys!!


Just want to say style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif sooo much. You are all sweet. I knew you would give me good advice. I think it was his sister who mentioned that she wanted her mom to come along. Too bad she never asked us huh? We are not a motel. I still haven't heard from them to say if they're coming definately or not! So I think I'll have my hubby call them tonight and say yes they can come but if they bring the dogs they can only stay a couple days. And I already got more food so thats set. and if they don't come I'll have it for new years maybe. I had a mini break down (crying) to my mom and my husband. So my hubby knows how stressful this is gonna be for me. I'm already starting to flare!! uugghhh!! YOUR all so great THANKS!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif

[helloos]

I would say this. If you bring your dogs, they need to stay tied outside because of all the company and that your two dogs will be urinating all the time if there dogs are in the house.

I have a little dog and have many of times been asked if someone could bring there dog. First of all, it is bad enought to have to feed, clean up hair, etc. with your own dog while having company, more would make it impossible and not good for the guests. I would not like to be sitting with four dogs lapping my legs and sniffing me. Sorry for that remark!!

But, it gets aggrivating, so what I say is that my dog will be over excited and will continue peeing and it is too much.
That is all. There can be no hurt feelings there. You cannot expect to bring your dogs anywhere.

Another thing you could say is so and so asked me and I said no so if I tell you yes, there will be a problem.
I use this a lot.

Just say NO. That is it. It is not being rude at all.

[RAD1]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that my mom in law and I haven't spoken much in the past 5 yrs. It's just that I realized where I stood with her and I had to make a choice. I know that she resents me for confronting her for interfering in my family but that no longer matters. My health and my family are far too precious to me to let anyone mess with. Some times people's " good intentions " are just an excuse to interfere.... and it's pretty obvious when it happens. Well, I know she's old and her health isn't all that good but by golley mine isn't either and did SHE care ???? I have been married to her son for 34 years, I mean come on....... this was a woman that I'd take shopping and buy for big time and worried about. It was such a jolt to me when I fianally realized what and how she had been doing. Talk about shock and awe !!!!!!!

Well, no, you by no means have the monopoly on the "mother-in-law " thing, and I hope that it all works out well for you and your family this season. As for me, I will finally have the first Christmas in 6 years with ALL my children together with my husband and I. It will be sweet, and a long time in comming, but God does work miricles.

Ruth