Help ! Should I tell my boyfriend ?

[christine]

Dear all

I appreciate any advice i can get,, i dont know who else to turn to

I have been living with lupus since 2001, but only my immediate family knows about my illness. Not even my best friends know about it. The reason was that i wanted to have as normal life as i could without people treating me differently just because i have lupus. Lupus awareness in my country - Malaysia is very poor.

I been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months and 2 months ago, we became a couple. My boyfriend does not know i have lupus and now i am worried when is the right time for me to tell him. My boyfriend has even talk about future plans of marriage and having kids. He plans for us to get married at the end of this year.

We have a great time together and we love each other very much,, but i am terrified that once i tell him i have lupus, he will dump me because he wants to have kids and a wife to grow old with him.. with me having lupus i dont even know if i can have kids in the future.

I have tried telling him many times, but each time,, fear holds me back,,,,i am afraid the relationship will end if i tell my boyfriend,,, It really feels good to love and be loved,,, i have avoided any relationships since i was diagnosed for i fear of being not accepted since i have lupus.. this was the first time i took a chance or shall i say a leap of faith and open my heart,,, and now i fear my heart will be broken

when should i tell my boyfriend about my lupus ? how should i break it to him ?

Thank you for being a listening ear

[music]

It depends. Since your diagosis of Lupus how have you been feeling? Does it effect your daily life or have you been able to go on living pretty normal? I've been single a very long time but I often wonder what I would do if I met somebody.
In my situation I would probably tell my boyfriend that I was diagnosed 4 yrs. ago with lupus but that medication was keeping it under control and I'm able to lead a relatively normal life as long as I get my rest and take my medicine. Then I would leave it up to him to decide if that was something he could live with.
I understand why you might be afraid to talk to him about it but I think it would be a hard secret to keep. However, you don't have to tell him in a way that he thinks you might kick the bucket tomorrow either!
Lots of women with lupus get married and have children. I am probably in the minority here but I don't think I would tell him all the gorey details about lupus and say things like, " I have a disease and could die". I guess what I"m saying is if I looked normal and was able to lead a normal life I would "sugar" coat the fact that I had lupus.....then I would marry him as fast as I could before I got worse. LOL Okay, there I've said it, right or wrong. This subject should start a flurry of comments from the peanut gallery. Music

[Raglet]

I ADORE the advice you have been given .......

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I would marry him as fast as I could before I got worse.[/b][/quote]

That's the best advice I have heard in a long time ehehehehe.

You will have to tell him sooner or later, and I totally agree, don't go into all the gorey details. If you are casual about it, then he will be too.

Remember, lots and lots of us on this board have children (I do) .... women with lupus usually can have children so I wouldn't go ruling that one out unless your doctor tells you otherwise

good luck with it all

raglet

[Christine UK]

I totally agree you should tell him,to find out after marridge could be a recipe for disaster.
Already its been said...you dont have to go into every little detail....
good luck x x

[swecri]

hi,
i understand where your coming from. but i think if he loves your truly then hel love you whatever. He makes you happy but if hes talking about getting married (in sickness and in health an all that) it shouldnt matter. and if he does take off an leave you because of it (which im sure he wont) then you know that it wasnt to be because you deserve something better than that, an its his loss!!!!
i had a similar dilema and luckely he was totally accepting and supportive. he visits me twice a day in hospital when i am in and does nothing but help me (ties my laces when i cant!!!!) its just made me love him more. weve been together 18 months not (im 19 an hes 22) and im so happy i dont want anything else.
i really hope what ever you decide to do works out for you and you are happy with or without him

peace and love
sarah

[Vida]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif hi

just to say that i agree with what has already been said about telling your boyfriend before you get married if he really loves you he will accept you for yourself. tell him only what you think he needs to hear to understand your illness as it is for you now. if you do not tell him before you get married it could cause real problems when he finds out that you have lupus.

i do not have lupus but do suffer from another autoimmune disease and when i was first diagnosed i was living with my partner but not married to him - yes he was scared and confused by the sudden changes in me brought on by my illness but we stuck it out and finally married 4 years ago style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif

hope everything works out ok.



style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[helloos]

Agreed.

True love conquers all.

No secrets but honesty.

You are not dying but living.

Trusting each other always.

No matter what , through SICKNESS and in health.

[christine]

Dear all

Thank you all so much for your advice.. i trully appreciate it... it is comforting to know i will always have friends here who will be there for me no matter what..

fear is still holding me back from telling my boyfriend,,i am still wishing i could postpone telling him to delay my heart breaking ,(like maybe when we reach 6 months into the relationship... sigh),,, but like what you guys advise,, it is something i should tell my boyfriend sooner or later before it becomes too late,


hugs to all of you style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif

[Linda_L]

Hi Christine

Like the others have said if he is the right person for you he will not run off when you tell him! This time last year I had just met my boyfriend and I remember telling him I was having trouble with cold hands and feeling tired but didn't konw what was wrong with me. 4 weeks later he had to help me out the bath when I got stuck and 2 months later he was visiting me on the renal ward!! I really thought he would run off and I wouldn't have blamed him as we hardly new each other. Well, he's still here and although he was very scared when I was very ill we have got through this and other things over the past 12 months (His mother had a heart attack a few months ago!) If you are planning a future together you will have to deal with lots of difficult times ... telling him you have lupus will just be one of them and it will ultimately help your relationship grow and develop..and if he can't deal with lupus how will he deal with all those other challenges! Good luck and I really hope it works out for you.

[rwb200]

I will give you one mans point of view.
If you Love this man and are thinking of spending a life with him then you need to be honest with him and tell him.
To wait and tell him after a marriage would look like you may not trust him or respect him and that you felt you had to hide things from him. This would bring to mind the question what else is she hiding and why did she not trust me ?
This is not a good way to start a new life with someone and would through and bad shaddow on it for some time to come.

If he does run off after hearing it will hurt but it is better to have it happen before marriage then after and he would run of then as well if he would now.

[Bouchie11982]

Christine,
Hi! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif i just plain, flat out told the man i was seeing (now boyfriend). the first couple of dates i wasnt sure, then we both started to get strong feelings for each other. and thats when i knew i had to tell him. but in my mind, i knew that if i told him and he got all weirded about then i would say bye-bye. but luckily he did not. and we have been going good for almost 2 years.
I mean it is hard to me to say just tell him because i dont know the severity of your Lupus, but hopefully you can have children with no problems whatsoever. just bite the bullet and tell him. if he acts funny and doesnt talk then im sorry style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif a man should resepct you for who you are

[christine]

Dear Bouchie11982 and rwb200

Thank u for your reply, style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif I am glad you have a boyfriend who loves you so much, Bouchie I wish i have your courage

I guess my delay in telling my boyfriend is because i am hoping he gets to know me first as a person before he knows about my lupus.

Thankfully, my lupus has been in remission for the past few years with occasioal flare ups when i overdo style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/umm.gif

But i guess there is no point delaying the inevitable, if he is the man for me and does truly love me,, i hope he will accept me ,, lupus and all..

thanks again to all of u,, wish me luck style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif

[Wallypop]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(christine @ Feb 14 2006, 08:33 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
...I guess my delay in telling my boyfriend is because i am hoping he gets to know me first as a person before he knows about my lupus...
[/b][/quote]

Interesting... I changed my mind several times while reading through the thread... and finally you settled it for me with that statement.

It's been said that one should never ask a question if:

1. You aren't going to like and be able to accept the answer.
2. You don't already know what the answer is and are prepared to deal with it.

Admittedly, pretty hard to practice 100%. But I think what I see here is that the answer of whether or not to tell him depends a lot upon you and, perhaps, even more on the relationship you have and intend to have.

I'm a huge fan of honesty... and that's the basis of our relationship. I'd say it took a while for us to develop a deep enough trust of each other's love to be totally open... there was never any deceit, but we probably both "doled out" the truth in somewhat measured tones. I honestly don't remember specifically the exact time and way she told me she had Lupus... it came out as naturally as everything else I was learning about her. And I think that helped me immeasurably with my understanding because she does not allow Lupus to be her identity, and - while it's obviously a big part of her (and our) reality - she gives it little quarter.

Somehow we managed to grow our love and relationship in a way that included exciting discoveries about ourselves and each other. Most of those discoveries - maybe all - are not inherently "bad," they just are. Somewhere along the way we realized that we simply are going to share, and there's strength and support in the sharing, whether it's a triumph or a defeat. There are times when I will carry the ball... there are times when she will carry the ball, but most of the time there are four hands on the ball.

I think my point in this is that you might put the Lupus in the background and recognize that it is just one more piece of the relatioship you are building - put the relationship first. See if you both want to build enough trust in your relationship that you will be able to face ANYTHING together... that may not totally eliminate your fear, but it will put it in perspective.

Sometimes the very fear we have becomes self-feeding and we - however unintentionally - cause our fears to be realized. My simple advice is to love each other - and you may discover that your fears are unfounded as you discover that love. I can guarantee that he has his fears as well - find them. Share, share, share. "Lupus" may have one more letter than "love," but guess which one is more powerful?

[Bouchie11982]

Thanks Christine, well the way i saw it was that if he doesn't like me for who i am, then i'll just tell him flat out. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[lazylegs]

Hi Christine,
Marriage is for better or for worse, in good times and in bad. If your boyfriend leaves when you tell him, you know he wouldn't have been someone who would have taken those vows seriously. You need to find out who he is now. Do you really want to alway live with the fear that he might leave?

Communication is key in a marriage. Your openness would set the tone for your future relationship. Working things out as a team is what you should do. You each give input, arguements, and finally compromise to come up with a solution that will work for you. By telling him you are showing how much you care for him. If you are serious about marriage it is time to show him the real you not just someone out on a date. It is another step towards intertwining your lives together. If you can't do this then maybe you are not ready for marriage. Tell him. Show you are ready for that next level of commitment.

Bring yourself some peace of mind,
Lazylegs

[liberalady]

I have lupus and I have children and I am married. With a chronic illness depending on severity of flares my household runs much like anyone elses except I go to be earlier than anyone in the house and I probaly do not always do my share of chores, but we work as a team-right now there is dirty laundry in the house and some other messes, these would not have been tolerated by me before I got sick but now they are a part of my life.

Also it is better for your boyfriend to find out from you before you have a flare then he will be able to be prepared.

Good luck!

[stefanie]

It's great to have someone to love I agree but if you two are that serious then he has the right to know don't you think? I was honest with my boyfriend and we're living together happily. If he is a great guy he will understand. You can always help him by offering to talk to him about it and explain it, look it up together on the internet, show him some forum boards to see other with the disease and how they cope, get some printed info, or check out the letters to people in one of the forums on this site. I encourage total honety especially if you guys are considering marrige,

Would you like it if he was sick and never told you, of course not cause you love him and want to be there for him. Belive me it wouuld be a nasty shock if he found out after.


let us know what you do and how it goes!!!


take care style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[SusieBB]

You've got our support!!!! Definitely tell him. Hugs.

Love -- SusieBB

[pauline1946]

IF HE WERE THE ONE WITH LUPUS ,CANCER, HEART TROUBLE,OR ANY OTHER ILLNESS,

WHEN WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TOLD ABOUT IT??????????????

[Mrgd]

I hope that you have told your boyfriend, and I hope that he was man enough to handle it.
I have a very dear friend that has Lupus, and I know how hard it is for her to talk about it and let people close to her know that she has it.
I am thankful that she shared it with me. It helps me understand what is going on in her life. I wish that she could be a little more open about it though. But I know that it is hard for her.
That is why I have came to this site, in hopes of understanding Lupus better and being able to help her through it too.
The Love that I have for this person has done nothing but grow. I did not run away when I found out that she had Lupus. I hope and trust that your boyfriend will not or did not either.
Best of luck!
Gerald

[lilsweety89]

<span style="color:#FF99FF">Awww,wow.Well welcome to the site first of all! Umm Im new here too style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif Im really happy that you have a b.f that loves you and stuff thats really cool, I havent dated since I got lupus and I think its really good that u can date while you have lupus.Did your cheeks get really big?like are u on any meds? Cause I think like wow its amazing that not even your best friends knows..how do you keep it a secret? Im not really big on telling the world I have it,but My family knows and a couple of my close friends. I didnt really tell my family,my mom did style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif So I didnt really have a chance too but its kida good cause I never had to really explain they all just knew. My dad doesnt live with me or anything n we dont really have contact so he doesnt know,he did visit me in the hospitial but we just told him i was sick and im better now. but w/e im getting so off topic. umm where was i..yeah Christie I dunno I think you should tel him and fast,if you guys love eachother (which it seems like) he'll wanna be there for u and help in any way he can. the longer u keep it from him can be crutial to if he gets mad or not..you know what i mean? I bet u when u tell him he'll be sad but even sadder depending on how long wait ui wait to tell him. and as for the future. you can live very long with lupus like a normal life span unless ur case is really bad, n i dotn think it is..it isnt right? if it is im very sorry but u still have a long life ahead of u. and u can have a baby the docs say u shudnt but my mom knows 3 ladies who have all had babies n they have lupus and the babies come out just fine. the docs try to freak u out about taht n i really dunno why. but u can def have children. umm i hope this helped. take care and be sure to update all of us here and how your doing ok! take care hun,
love quai style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif
p.s. if u havnet noticed all the lovely ladies on here that have told their b/fs about their lupus,there b/fs all sutck by them.if ur still in doubt look at the statistics hun</span>

[christine]

hie Quai, thanks for your reply, thank you so much for caring enough to share some advice, thanks also to all for your support and love

to your question Quai, i am fortunate that i am on a low dosage of prednisone 5mg thus i dont have a moon face yet, i have been on a somewat remission for the past few years, with occasional joint pains when i over do. I dont intentionaly keep it secret, it is just that i prefer to keep it to myself and close family members that i have lupus.

i feel that it is better to tell my boyfriend face to face so i will definately be telling him early next month when i visit my boyfriend ,,i dont think this is something to discuss on the phone,,,, another complicating factor in our relationship is that it is long distance, he works in another state and the flight alone is 3 hrs. so i guess i will know then whether our love is strong enough to witstand lupus.... wish me luck guys