I really really need some advice

[JAgirl]

I recently read a thread from a young lady who wasn't sure how to tell her boyfriend she had lupus...and I have a similar dilemna. I am 32 years old and I have not dated in approx. 4 years due to my depression and lack of self confidence resulting from my illness. I literally do not have a social life...not even real friends. Well, the fiance of a friend of mine introduced me to his cousin over the phone. He thought he and I would make a good match. We have been talking on the phone almost every day for about 2-3 weeks now. We are supposed to meet in person this weekend. I have not discussed my health issues with him as yet. I thought it would be best to tell him in person about the SLE (nephritis/cerebritis) but I am not certain how to approach the subject. I contracted a necrotizing fascitis infection once while I was hospitalized...and I had to get surgery to remove a large amount of tissue from my thigh. The sugery left an enormous sunken wound and I also had to get skin removed from the opposite thigh to graft it. This scar is huge and ugly to me. I feel very self-conscious about it. I am sure eventually he will have to know about it. My greatest fear is to be rejected and I don't know how I would take it if I get rejected because of that.

I am wondering if I could get some advice on how to handle this situation. This guy has most of the qualities I am interesting in so far. What would you do? I am very anxious about it.

[bugsy]

<span style="color:#FF6666">Hiya JAgirl style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif

Maybe your friend as already informed this guy about your illness, if not then i would mention it to him early on then you won't find yourself in a sticky situation if and when things get more serious.

He may find it hard to accept but if he runs a mile then let him keep running - he isn't worth it, if this guy cares for you then he will hang around and hopefully learn about lupus and help you and support you.

Good luck style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif and have fun style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif XxX Jo XxX</span>

[alobreto]

Hi, JAgirl! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
I agree with Jo's advice that it would be best to introduce your lupus diagnosis when you meet. I wouldn't go into great detail, but might say something like, "I have an illness called lupus that affects my energy levels. Because of that, I'm not always able to do things I'd like to do. I don't want you to take it personally when that happens."

By making a statement such as that, you immediately turn the attention back to your friend's interests and behavior AND away from yourself. I don't think details would be important at this stage, and I think I'd deflect questions by saying something like, "I don't normally share private health information outside my family." That leaves the door open for sharing at a later time, perhaps if the relationship gets serious.

As for your unsightly scar, I can understand how you feel. I think we each have flaws that we'd love to hide forever if we could. And it's always possible that perhaps you could cover it with an elastic bandage until such time as a reconstructive surgical consult could be obtained. It's likely, however, that the appearance is much more upsetting to you than to someone else, and for that reason I think it's worth your mental outlook to see how it can be improved.

I wish you well!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[helloos]

I would say meet this guy in person. Have fun. Get to know each other. There is no need to tell someone all of this on the first date !!!

I would see if you even like this guy after some dates with him. You deserve to have some fun here too. No need to get all that out in the open now. I would have fun, date, and if you think things can get serious, take it slowly. At that point, you will each know each other well enough to know if such things matter.

[Linda_L]

Just a thought.. I was reading through the discussion and I found myself wondering what things he may have that he is also wondering how and when he can and should tell you! You don't say how old he is but it is very unlikely that he has got through life without a few scars as well (physical or otherwise!) and I bet he hasn't told you about all of those on the phone! I met my boyfriend over the internet and he was about the fifth or sixth person I met. I think first meetings like that are always trickey..its not like you have already met and know that there is a chemistry between you and that you find each other attractive. all you know is that you get on okay on the phone..a great start but I found that my expectations didn't always match the reality when we met in person. Anyway, I'm 47 so there were alot of things that affected my self confiidence at the time (will he mind my wrinkles.. large bottom..will he really want someone younger and more glamourous..the MCTD came in later as I was diagnosed after we had known each other a few weeks!) I guess I agree with Helloos.. see if you like him in person first, enjoy your first date (get him to take you somewhere really nice and see that he pays!! -only joking!). Just enjoy dating again.. I hadn't dated for 15 years when I started looking again and it took a while to get used to it! If you like each other and it goes well then I'm sure it will feel natural to mention your lupus if your friend hasn't already mentioned it. Good luck..will keep my fingers crossed that he turns out to be okay! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ok.gif

[JAgirl]

I really appreciate the valuable advice. I am just really nervous, so please wish me luck. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Thanx.gif

[cath]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif All the best - I hope you have a great evening style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clover.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif

X C X

[rwb200]

I agree that he may already know some of the things that you have concidering just how it is that you were introduced.
But regardless of if he has been or not the first thing I would do is see how it goes when you meet him. You may meet in person and decide that you never want to see him again that it just isnt right for you. In which case why even mention your problems.
If it seems to be going well and you feel that it may have a chance then take some time and tell him a little about what you have wrong.
You may find that he will say yes I was told that you have Lupus but what is that ?
Or he may be well versed in it already and have some other sort of experience with it. A friend or friends wife or what ever.

[sweet T]

I also think like everyone here, maybe he knows more than he's letting on, like maybe your other friend has filled him in a little on what's been going on? Before you freak or stress out anymore, perhaps you should talk to your friend first and find out exactly what HE told this guy about you before you jump in and give him your life history? Take it one step at a time. As you feel more comfortable with this guy tell him a bit more about your situation. I know alot of times we don't give some guys credit for being able to handle things, I mean let's face it....the male species are not well known for thinking with the head on their shoulders half the time style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif

main point being is, enjoy yourself have a good time being friends first, the rest will come, and if he's half the guy that your friend thinks he is, he wouldn't have been set up with you in the first place ( I have a hard time believing our friends would purposely put us in a situation that would lead us to getting hurt without thorouly checking the guy out first). and don't put the cart before the horse.

hope that helps some?

have fun and enjoy yourself style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

[stefanie]

Hi

I think it's great that you have met someone, when I met my current boyfriend I thought about whether to tell him upfront or not, but I decided to tell him and being the wonderful man that he was he looked it up and did reaserch finding all the different symptoms and medication. Then when my disease took a turn for the worst he was my knight in shinning armour and he was there for me the whole way, now we're living together and loving every minute of being together.

If this guy is a great man then he will embrace your disease and help you through it if not then he is totally wrong and you really wouldn't want to have someone like that, my fiance before my boyfriend was like that and dumped me at the first sign of a flare up.

Just be honest i'd say see how the first date goes before you say anything and if you two really hit it off then opt to tell him on the second or third date.

Have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/jump.gif

[SusieBB]

Dear JAgirl:

Personally, I would tell him from the get go. By doing this, you're being honest, open and communicating with him as to what's going on with you. I just recently got back into dating and tell people from the get go. I understand too about your feelings on rejection and abandonment. We all feel this way. I'll be sending you lots of strength to empower you. You sound like a great woman and any man would be lucky to have you in his life. Hold onto that. And, please have a good time with your new found friend. You can do it!!! Hugs.

Love -- Susie