Is divorce the only answer

[coopertjb]

Hi All,
I am writing here in despair. as some of you know I was diagnosed with Lupus, Fibromyalgia and Raynauds in August last year after a five year battle to have the medical world take my symptoms seriously.

Needless to say five years of medical costs without an explanation and constant time off work created a host of other problems for my family, mainly financial. We have managed to keep our home and I am back at work part time and feeling better than I have in years (praise to Plaquenil my saviour).

But unfortunately I think the last five years has taken it's toll on our marriage and we are two different people as a result. We have three beautiful kids that have adapted really well to the ups and downs of living with Lupus its a shame the two adults in this family can't do the same.

We each have alot of resentment for different reasons. His is based on the financial implications as it will take at least five years to pay our way out of the additional debt we incurred while I was off work, medical bills etc etc. And he sees it as a weakness I guess and I am the reminder of that.

I resent that he actually thought for a period of time that this was all in my head and I was ultimately lazy. He believes me now but he didn't when no one else did and I needed him most.

In addition I am grateful that I have the next five years to pay off debt because I honestly thought I was going to die when I didn'tknow what was wrong with me.

I have given up trying to talk things through as we both end up arguing self righteousness. I have noticed over the last few months he has a why me attitude and it hurts so much. If I am not well it must be something I have done because I am on treatment now and I should not get sick anymore etc etc.

Divorce is looming, I can feel it. It is such a shame we met as teenagers and had the world at our feet or so we thought. For better or worse sounds so long ago.

Anyway I am rambling now, I am grateful to have a place to vent my frustration without judgement.

Regards
Coop.


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[carla1962]

Coop, I am truly Sorry for your problems. I have no great wisdom to offer..But I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers..
God Bless, Carla

[Christine UK]

<span style="font-family:Comic Sans Ms"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">
You know you should let your husband sit and read what you have written here.
I think he would be shocked.
I so know how you feel...i had to give up work and leave it to my husband....
then when he comes home if its a very bad day it starts all over for him mainly cooking dinner....but we TALK...i let him know when i am low and feeling guilty whilst at the same time he doe sme.
I have said on more than one occation why are you still with me..his answer...because i love you...
who knows what the future may holdbut talk to him today,if your marridge does end...well at least you tried to save it.</span></span>

[helloos]

Hi Coop. It seems that you have been through a great deal. I think what you wrote is only "normal" given the situation you were unexpectedly put in. When something happens with someones health, everything changes. The normal things are just not normal anymore. My wise aunt who had Schlerderma suffered so much until the very end. She always said "if you don't have your health, you don't have anything". I understood what she meant - so I thought. It wasn't until things started to change for me that I knew exactly what she meant. So put that in a relationship and yes, it will take its toll. When I read what you said it does seem like all of that should be under the bridge, since the meds are allowing you to now function more. Sometimes people change and can never get back to the place they were before. But also sometimes, people can get back to the place they were before. But, yes, it does take two. The arguing definitely won't make things better. There is always marriage counseling too. I guess that I would probably have a long talk - and stress the point that it needs to be a talk not arguing- and try to talk things out and see where your relationship is. If this impossible, and he won't agree to counseling, maybe it would be a good idea to write a letter to him. Explain your feelings and difficulties to him. Sometimes a letter works wonders in a situation like this when people cannot talk. Why? 1. It allows you to write all of your feelings and anything you want in a way that won't be taken wrong, or offend him, because you can proof read it. 2. He can only read it and not responsd as if he could if you were talking to him after every sentence. He will be forced to read the whole thing. Over and over if he wants. To consume it and think about it, and then maybe a talk could come. I hope some of this helps for you. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[DaisyP]

<span style="color:#3366FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">For better, for worse.
For richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health</span></span>

These were in my marriage vows. Talk to hubby and let him read what you have written

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[SusieBB]

Dear Coop:

This brings tears to my eyes. Yes, most definitely have him read what you've posted here. I'm glad you got it off of your chest and he needs to see it and know how you're feeling. Feeling insecure in a marriage is no fun. If you haven't already, I would also like to suggest that you seek counselling with someone that deals with couples who are going through similar circumstances. I know that there are also wellness centers that have group meetings as well where couples can go and hear other couples talk and visa versa. This was recommended by my docs to my husband and I when we were going through all of our stuff.

I believe in that vow too!!! This really sinks into my heart. I wish you both well. You hang in there and keep us apprised. If you ever want to chat, email me. Hugs.

Love -- SusieBB

[angie1]

Dear Coop,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how difficult this disease can be when you have support, let alone none at all. I agree with the others, you should sit down and talk to your husband. If you feel you can't talk to him face to face, write a letter. Whenever I had something that I needed to get out to my husband I would write him a long, heartfelt letter and he would understand. Sometimes its hard to say everything you need to say, but a letter seems to be easier. Take care and love yourself.

Angie

[alobreto]

Hi, Cooper! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif
I think you've taken an important first step in the process of trying to get back on track. You've written down your honest feelings. I think they are feelings that should be shared with the other half of your relationship. Showing him your letter might help open the door to more dialogue between you.

My husband and I have on occasion played a game that can enrich a marriage. You get 2 empty jars and each of you put slips of paper in the separate jars with the top 3 things your partner could do for you in one day that would make you feel loved. Each of you then draw one slip of paper each day from your partner's jar and agree to do that one thing. Each time you draw a slip of paper from the jar, replace one of your own with a new 'wish'.

Over the years we can forget how to treat each other in the most loving way, especially with the toll problems and illness can take on a relationship. Support groups for families/spouses of an ill person can also help a lot, as can marriage counselling with someone familiar with couples battling an illness.

I wish you both well.
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif

[Angelee]

Hi, I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted you to know that I wish you the best. I am in the same boat to some extent. My marriage is on the rocks, but my husband still doesn't believe that it isn't all in my head and I'm not just lazy. Right now I am not yet being treated specifically for Lupus as they are still trying to get my diagnosis straightened out, but I have been battling this for 6 years now. I've gotten to the point where the lack of support from him and the constant guilt is destroying me. I have enough on my plate without having to add those two to the mix, and I have reached a point where I may have to decide that it is better to not have him in my life then have him in it and have him be a detriment to my well being. It is tearing me apart but I can't do and be all that he wants, it is killing me to try and I can't fight him while I'm fighting my own body.

I wish you good luck and remind you to take care of yourself. It is important!

-Angelee- style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif

[Graciella]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif ((((((((coop))))))), I know exactly were your coming from, and my husband thinks still till this day that its all in my head, he left on vacation to go see his parents and didn`t come back he thinks I`m just waiting around to die, thats the last thing I want we had three beautiful children together and thats all I care about now is to be there for them. I have never missed one thing for them even though it gets hard to sit in the bleachers every day I do and will still do it until they graduate. My husband left and forgot about us, he made us loose our home, our car and everthing else that went along with, the embarressment is the worse of it all everytime I drive by my old house and see those signs in my window it turns my stomach that everyone knows. I was such a private person. anyways sorry to talk your ear off but sometimes the ones we think loves us the most turns out to be the worse in situations like this I really think he still loves me but doesn`t know how to cope. I hope your situation gets better. Good Luck to you and God Bless. Love Graciella

[Brooke Slattery]

Hi Coop

Sorry to hear that your marriage is suffering as a result of being so ill. I to have this as a problem alongside my illness. Even though my partner does try his best to support me in my time of illness often as a coping mechanism he will let rip that I am being lazy around the house or am not living up to my end of the "agreement".

I dont know that there is a solution to the problems people face with respect to partners and illness particularly one such as this where it is often hard to explain what is happening but I guess my only piece of advice could be is that sometimes the resentment and hurtful accusations are their way of trying to cope with what is going on.

I know with myself that I only need to look at how he reacts when I have a really bad night (such as Tuesday when I collapsed and he had to ring the ambulance to rush me to hospital) to know how he really feels deep down and that keeps me here for the long haul and hope that one day I will wake up and feel like a million dollars again.

Hang in there and I hope that things improve.

I will say a prayer for you and your family that things take a turn for the better and that there is a light at the end of tunnel for you both.

Brooke style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif

[Oohmeknees]

Perhaps I'm one of the few blokes who might answer a message like this.

Like many of the 'girls' I'd say let him read your note and the answers. We dont know who he is, or you for that matter, so he is not exposed.

Life throws so much ?$%& at us. I have an ex-wife, so did the entire divorce bit whilst I was seriously ill. Its not nice when you are in the best of health, let alone so ill. My ex left me destitute and hospitalised, took everything, and at a time when I really thought I only had months left to live. She was off like a shot, straight to another man. He was even using my golf clubs within a week. I had nothing, and I mean NOTHING. I could not even claim sickness benefit.

As well as loosing my house, my career, my kids, my money, I was desparately ill. I could have faced the music if I'd have done something wrong, but I had'nt. Not a thing, except get ill.

Well I fought back. I got myself as well as I could. I took her to court, and I got my kids back (very rare for a man) (sod the money). I'm a good dad, and a good mum, to my kids. I know that I'll die prematurely, most likely alone. But I miss so much about not being married, not being a full family. I had to greave for my marriage as well as get well, cope with two kids, and start all over again. I dont know how my kids appear to be quite normal, but inside they will be scared. She thinks I should have gone off quietly, died, and not given her a hard time.

This may be a bad time for you, dark days, BUT you will come through it. Love does conquer all things. As John Lennon said, All you need is love, perhaps I am the proof of that. Your husband cannot give you empathy, because he cannot know what life is like for you. In some respects you cannot give him empathy either, you dont know how this change has affected him.

Life never does stay the same for anyone, its what we do with our time that counts.

As for bitterness, I'm sure you dont need me to tell you, it will wear you both down. Try to make sure your kids dont suffer, dont use them or force them to make a choice. Communicate with each other,....the best communicators in life are those who listen.