My future...

[roxykaylee8]

Lately, I feel as if my life is pointless. I want to be a doctor, but who am I kidding. I can hardly make it through high school. How am I supposed to make it through medical school? This disease has shattered my dreams. I was planning on going to Rice University, but now my parents will not allow me. They say I am too sick to go, and there is no way I can become a doctor. They told me that I need to find something else to do. My goal in life is completely diminished. This disease has taken it from me. I suppose I should start over now. Just find something else, and grow a passion for it. But that is not possible. My passion is medicine, but now that is gone. Everything is gone.
This disease has stolen 4 years of my life, and I am scared to know how many more it will take. I want those years back. I want to be a kid again. I want to go out with my friends and not have to worry about getting too tired or sore. I want to wake up pain free. I want to go to school just like everyone else. I want to play sports, and go shopping with my girlfriends. I want to look forward to tomorrow, and not be afraid of what it may bring. I want my life back.
I am a prisoner in my own body. Sometimes I feel this disease owns me. I spend all of my free time at the doctor or undergoing tests. I spend my nights laying in bed, crying, hoping, and wishing that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I am scared to fall asleep, I am afraid of what is next. And honestly, I have nights where I wish tomorrow wouldn't come. The pain seems to be never ending. I am so sick of having to be taken care of, and being looked down upon.
I wish I could go back to my fun loving, teenage days. I wish I could be careless and free. But I am trapped. And this disease has stolen my future. I know what my future is. My future is sick. There is so much more to me than this disease. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but I never will be able to.
I am afraid. I am scared. I am lonely. I am in pain. I am hurting. I am tired. I am sick of being tired, and tired of being sick.
Why do some people have to suffer more than others? Life doesn't seem fair to me. I wish we all could be Lupus free.
I am sorry to complain, but I needed to vent. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you are doing well. Hugs and Kisses. -Kaylee style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif

[Joandublin]

Hi Kaylee style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif
So sorry this is happening to you. It is horrible when you feel that your dreams and ambitions arent going to happen. Have you spoken to anyone about how low you are feeling? You probably know but anyway, depression sorta comes along with this stuff and maybe you need something to help you through this very bad patch? Do you have access to any counselling services? It is REALLY important to have someone you can talk to who can understand what you are going through and who can help you through the hard times.
I dont want this reply to sound patronising or condescending. I really do know how hard this must be for you.
Sometimes though we are our own worst enemies because we can give great advice but are slow to take it for ourselves.
Kaylee this disease CAN go into remission. You musnt give up hope. You are very young and have every chance of fulfilling your ambitions - even if it is gonna be a bit later than you thought. Also there is so much research going on at the moment that because of your age you are very likely to be here when a CURE is found. I am positive that a cure will be found eventually. The research is heading that way.
The world needs people like you - caring, sensitive individuals who have passions. Your passion for medicine may very well end up helping someone like you further down the road.
Look at some alternatives at the moment. See what is possible at the moment. Keep yourself informed and updated on the medical world. There are loads of ways you can do that in your own time. It will all help when you reach a point that you can fulfil your lifelong ambition
In the meantime I am sending you lots and lots of love
Luv n stuff
Joan

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[Suzan]

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Kaylee

I so agree with Teri and Joan....you must not give up on your dreams ,sweetie ((((((((Kaylee))))))))
You are understandibly angry with this disease ....who wouldn't be...however, you are not defined by
your Lupus! You have so much to offer and you will! Your passion for medicine is wonderful, and you
do not necessarily have to give that up...you may need to take it in smaller steps as Teri mentioned.

Just a thought .... you can contribute to the Health Care System in soooo many ways. For example,
perhaps becoming a Registered Nurse....Nurse Practioner or Physician Assistant....all whom contribute
so very much to delivery of health care and in some ways develop more of a relationship with patients!
These studies would take less time and perhaps you can start with part time studies as you are able to.
You can also still hold on to your aspirations for Medical School... and if this is too grueling ...and it is
tough for even the healthiest of people...you can still dream , Kaylee, you will have so much to offer.

I wish you the very best, Kaylee and remember... There is Life with Lupus....take it nice and easy and
you can fullfill your aspirations...you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay well style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

Fondly
Suzan

[oesa]

Hi Kaylee - I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I remember that feeling well. When university time came for me, I had a long talk with my parents about my wish to go away to study. They were worried about my health, and I was desperate for some independence. We made some compromises - I went to a university that was only 4 hours away, and I made and kept my regular appointments with my nephrologist in my home town.

Growing up with a chronic illness is hard - there's no doubt about that. All of the normal decisions that lead to your independence seem much more complicated because your parents love you and worry about you - but you do still need to become a fully functioning adult in your own right eventually. Maybe there are some compromises you can make that will make it possible for you to live away but reassure your parents that you are taking care of your health? Doing some courses from home first is also a good suggestion - sometimes baby steps are easier for our parents to accept!

Another thought about medical school - you're still pretty young to have decided that it's not possible. You may find that in 4 years, you are healthy enough to consider medical school after all. My sister has RA, and she graduated from medical school last year (and yes, I'm unbelievably proud of her!) I don't know what US med school admissions are like, but I work for one in Canada, and up here, we're admitting lots of people with degrees other than the standard pre-med. You would still have to have the basic requirements - some biology, calculus, physics, biochem, etc, but I know people with degrees in nursing, music, English, and philosophy who have all been accepted to medical school.

The best career advice I ever got was to study things I loved, take jobs I enjoyed, and work hard. The rest will come.

Sending you lots of good energy - let us know how you're doing!

Lisa

[buttonme]

Kaylee,

I was diagnosed with Lupus my Freshman year in college, but I started getting sick in high school. Now I am finishing up my 4th year of college, and let me just shed some light for you.

You CAN go to college, but I'm not going to pretend like it's going to be easy. The last 4 years have been some of the most rewarding, disheartening, discouraging, uplifting, trying, exhausting, blissful years of my life. The problem with getting Lupus when you are as young as you and I are is that we suddenly have to take responsibility for things that most people don't have to deal with until they're a little older and better settled into their lifestyles, while our peers go out and live like they're eternal.

My parents didn't want me to go away to college either, but guess where I am? The opposite side of the country! It's hard. I have to get myself to all of my appointments, I have to make sure I remember to get my blood drawn. Nobody is there to remind me to take my pills, and few people ask me to consider my health before I go out and do something crazy, so it's all been up to me. And I'm not going to lie, I have cancelled doctors appointments the day before because I had forgotten to get my blood drawn; I've even opted not to show up to some of my appointments at all (or slept through them). Being on your own for the first time is hard enough; being on your own for the first time with a disease like Lupus takes a whole lot of inner strength, and maybe just downright stubborness. All I've known is that for the past 4 years, even on the worst days, I haven't wanted to be anywhere but where I am.

Whether or not you end up going away for college, junior colleges and online courses are GODSENDS. You don't have to go to some place like University of Pheonix; lots of schools offer online courses. Also, nobody says that you have to finish college in 4 years, so take it slow. I have even opted to take a summer course or 2 every summer, just so that I wouldn't have to overload on schoolwork during the year. I know plenty of people who are on their 5th, 6th, and even 7th year of college.

Remind your parents that you can't stay under their health insurance once you graduate unless you are in school, and this usually means you have to be a full-time student. I have only taken the minimum requirement of credits to remain full-time every semester just so that I could keep my health insurance.

And let me tell you honey. I have had SO many days when I have felt the way that you feel about all of this, but college is so rewarding (and the degree is just downright necessary for people like you and me). Regardless of your disease, you have to figure out how to live your life the way that your heart desires, and though sometimes that may mean doing it your own way on your own timeline, if going to college and becoming a doctor is what you really dream about, you just have to do it. I'd rather die trying that live dreaming and never doing.

[sweetpea_uk]

hey Kaylee


I feel and understand your torment, but what everyone is telling u is right!!!! i can't add much but if you want to chat personally then you can PM me!!!! i will always reply. In the mean time 'YOU CONTROL THE LUPUS, AND DON'T LET IT CONTROL U' Also listen to your body- if your tired then rest,,,,,,don't let your mind go into overdrive this alone can be exhausting. Also don't look at medical school as an impossibilty...there may be other roots but it may take longer. so think of it as a progression on to the next stage. i really do understand being uncertain about the future but there are options!!!! hope to hear from u.


Take care for now

[Mariposa]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wavey.gif Hi,
Go for it! I agree with the other responses.
Like in your situation, my mother and sister wanted me to quit college, but I didn't. My doctors recommended that I continued, as long as I could handle it. I can't deny that some days are better than others, but I haven't given up. It helps that my husband and son have been very supportive, as well as my professors. Now, I'm back and catching up taking summer school courses and I look forward to the day I graduate. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif
Don't give up! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[lauralee77]

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Kaylee,
I'm sorry to read that you are so down. I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with this in the prime of your life when you have big dreams and plans. I'm only 28 myself and although I got to go through college before I was diagnosed with this disease, I'm out of work right now, and that is extremely hard for me. But I think you can still have goals and attain them, maybe not as quickly as a healthy person, but i think it can be done. I think you should read the "Lupus--How it Affects Aging" post under "LIving with Lupus". I was feeling really down and I read this thread and it did make me feel more positive. Several of the members there are in their 60s and have been diagnosed with lupus for 40-almost 50 years. One of them was 10 years old when she was diagnosed. A couple of them mentioned having a family and raising children. They also said that their symptoms had eased up their attacks were not as bad as they got older. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I think it can give you some hope. I also honestly believe that in your lifetime, they will find a cure, if not better medications for lupus. There are several clinical trials going on for new drugs right now. So, please, don't lose hope. I find it very difficult myself sometime, but I have to hold out that things are going to get better.

[lilsweety89]

<span style="color:#CC33CC">Hey Kaylee, Im so sorry to hear what your going through style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif You sound very sad. I hope you can feel bettter some day. I know your sad about maybe not being able to become a doctor but theres still a maybe. And if that maybe becomes definate then you can try another occupation that involves medicine. I know somedays you might get sick of Lupus but everything happends for a reason right? And maybe you got lupus to be the first ever doctor with lupus! or you invite you can help kids with lupus to find another career path if their lupus is holding them back. I hope you feel better and its totally ok to rant on here.Take care.
Lots of Love Quai</span>

[Helz Belz]

HI Kaylee.

It's funny, but ever since my Lupus I have had a passion to get into the medical career field. I think having lupus really opens your eyes, and makes u more aware and compassionate as a person. I dunno about you, but for some reason I feel 'comfortable' with medical stuff. Probably because I have been round it so long. I would definately go for it! However, saying that, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our own well being. My number one passion of all would be to teach English at college (ages 13-17) but my doctor has told me 'definately not' because of the stress levels affecting my lupus. Instead, I am studying to work in the book industry- publishing and editing. Which offers things like 9-5 office, working from home, etc etc. Maybe you could study a branch of medicine (ie nutrition) which would enable you to have lighter studies. Another thing (i dunno how it works where u live) is to study part-time for a longer period. It's going to take me 4 years to gain my BA (if all goes well) then 1 to 2 years to get a diploma in publishing, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Whatever it is you do- even if it takes twice as long to get there, make sure you do something that will make you happy.

Take care
xx helen style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cloud9.gif