Pulling away from friends...

[lauralee77]

Since i came home from the hospital last week, I have had no interest in seeing friends or talking on the phone with them. It was my first overnight hospital stay ever, so it was a bit traumatic for me. I have a very high anxiety level anyway and the whole time I was there, I thought I might die. Trust me, it was not that dire. Scary, but not life-threatening. I didn't let many people even see me in the hospital. Mainly because I don't want to talk about all my symptoms, procedures, the chain of events that occured, etc. and having everyone feel sorry for me. And I know they would have alot of questions. But now what else do i have to talk about? They are leading normal lives while I am at home on medical leave so I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I don't like leaving the house, so i hang around here much of the time while my husband is at work. I am also experiencing some brain fog and remembering events recently before my hospital visits are hazy. I'm just not my normally funny, witty self and i'm afraid that they would see that. I'm afraid that I will never be "myself" again. I'm in therapy right now, but it's not really helping (in all fairness i've only had 2 sessions with the therapist). I'm looking for support groups in my area, but not having much luck.
I have great support in my husband and my family (and my friends are trying, too), but i feel like i can't complain and moan to them because they truly don't know what it's like. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif

[helloos]

Hi Lauralee.

I know where you are coming from.

I am the same way - I don't like talking about all my symptoms, etc.
Some say How are you - I reply - why complain, who would listen?
It is laughed off.

a few of my very dear friends don't even ask how I am. Things have changed. They don't know how to deal, don't care to deal, I can't figure it out. It leaves you lonely feeling like no one cares.

Even though you are not out in the world, does not mean you cannot find out about the world. You should make some calls and talk to your friends. Find out what is going on out there and with them. That may make you feel a little better. If you don't feel like talking about yourself, don't. Feel the situation and see. But I am sure that you can join in on conversations when they tell you their stories. Sometime a little news can't hurt.

You know you can come on here too and complain !! It is a good place for it !

[lauralee77]

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Thanks, Paula. I'm Glad to know others have some of the same feelings that I do. I'm fairly new with this whole lupus flare thing/staying in a hospital/being out of work for awhile, so i'm trying to deal with all these emotions and it's not easy as you know. That's why I do love this message board. Because everyone understands and I can moan and complain.
I actually invited a friend to come over and see me this Thursday, so i guess that's a step in the right direction.

But---UGH! I am so tired of that question "How are you doing?" I know that I would ask the exact same question in their situation, but does one really want me to launch into a tirade of HOW EXACTLY I'M DOING? My answer lately is "I'm doing better, thanks."

[helloos]

It's a step in the right direction - yes !

Enjoy your day with your friend.

You are right, I would say too "how are you feeling" it is a way of showing that person you care about them and are concerned.

That is why I throw back " why complain, who would listen".... they laugh, I laugh, end of story.

Sometimes you may want to be truthful and say "it is very hard for me, I am used to being healthy and on the go and visiting with my friends, and I am unable to do it now and I feel lonely", etc. etc.

Guess it depends on the person that is asking you how you want or should respond.

Like my mother asks me daily, I say alright. Why? Because if I say something, she has it. Has the same symptoms the next day, then she has Lupus, (she doesn't really have Lupus) she has everything everyone else has, so instead of setting myself up for that, I just say alright.


Keep you chin up. Better days ahead.

[Joandublin]

Hi Lauralee
Im sorry you had to stay overnight in hospital and that it was a traumatic event for you. Hospitals can be scary places, especially when you are not used to them. Glad you were home so quickly though.
I know its hard but try not to pull away from friends. Good friends will always be there if you need them and shutting them out can send the wrong message...like maybe you dont care about them.
I am sure you care very much for your friends but think about it the other way around. If a good friend of yours was in hospital and you wanted to see them and they said no without any real explanation, what would you think? You might be thinking you had done something wrong on them for example.

Good friends will also not expect you to be your 'normal, witty self' all the time. They will understand you are going through a bad phase right now. If you think they wont understand, tell them what is going on for you. Dont be too hard on yourself about this. You are still the same person underneath - with or without Lupus. You just need to adjust things a bit and take time to come to terms with it. It will happen...I promise.

Also friends have their own troubles as well. Sometimes it is good for us to help others out. Kind of takes the focus away from ourselves for a while...

I know the feeling you mentioned about being tired of the question 'How are you today' but its good that you realise that it is probably exactly the same thing you would say yourself to someone.

If I dont want to get into a conversation about my health I usually say 'Grand today, thanks, how about yourself?'. If I do want to talk to them about my health I would say 'Not doing too good today - just having a bad day but tomorrow might be better' or something like that.

That then gives them the option of 'avoiding' any further conversation about it or else they can ask exactly why today is a bad day.

As Paula says...there are better days ahead.
Sending you much love
Joan

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[pennylp]

Hi there,

I totally understand how you feel there are some days I feel just like you.... I dont want anyone's kindness and sympathy.... But let me ask you this... If the shoe was on the other foot and your friends were ill and were having problems would you want them to treat you like that....?? So let them in and let them be your friends and if you dont feel like talking about your illness tell them so.. They will be ok with that..
Friends are fantastic... and We should traasure them...
It sounds like you are a little depressed also.. maybe you should talk all this out with your physician....
Good luck to you... And no that it is wonderful to have people that care about you..

Love Penny

[whyseesangel]

i felt that same thing when i got out of the hospital... and after knowin that i have SLE... it was devastating, but im copin up wit it... im trynna get myself busy wit sumthing else lyk, writin stuff to people here and talkin to my bf online and on the phone and chattine wit my mom.. i have few friends who know all about my illness and theyr more supportive of me now.. i guess in my case, i should choose the right people i be friends with because sum people just dont understand if i try to explain this illness i have... i only tell and make friends with people who i think i already trust, its a good way to start on TRUST.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[lauralee77]

That's what I'm trying to do. Stay busy with other things like talking to others online, reading, etc. I like to go to the bookstore and pick out a bunch of books and just read on topics i'm interested in. I need to get out of the house more often also.
I think therapy helps too if you find someone you can talk to.