Ever feel like your friends lie to you

[andi04]

Just feeling a bit down because i feel none of my friends want to talk to me, I try my best to be the way I was before I was sick. I don't know what any of them expect from me, I thought i was a good friend I listen to them about their problems but don't talk about mine for fear of them running the other way. I'm not sure if its just paranoia on my part.

But I have lost friends for simply no reason, maybe I'm just the type of person who isn't supposed to have anyone in my life...maybe that's what God is trying to tell me. I'm tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I don't understand why people are afraid of me, why people find it so much easier to be in avoidance and denial about a friend who is sick; instead of wanting to help the person they call a friend especially in times of need wether it just be watching a movie with them letting them listen to their problems or just simply feeling needed. Being alone and sick sucks, and the funny thing is I'm not alone I have family, but nobody has the time to listen to me.

I just don't know how i'm supposed to handle this anymore I give up with trying to walk the line when their is no one to walk it with me.

Does or is anyone else going through this kind of feeling...I'm just really depressed right now and I don't understand why its my fault...that i'm sick.

anyway any kind of responses would help me feel like i still exist in this life.

thanks...
andi

[iris.phillips1]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif andi,
please do not blame yourself you have done nothing wrong, your friends carnt be that much of a friend if they dont not surport you.
im only 23 and before i ahd lupus i ahd lots of friends and used to go out lots, but then i got sick and noone wanted to know. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mad.gif .
there is one of my friends that has stuck by me through thick and thin she always comes and sees me and she takes me out when im up to it, from then on i know she was a true friend. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif
andi we are all your new friends and we are here for you to talk to when ever you need to. we wont let you down.
also i think you are depressed because you feel you are a lone go and talk to your gp. good luck honey dont forget to chat if you need to. xx style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif
my name is genette im 23 from warwick uk i have sle

[Marika]

Dear Andi,

yes there are a lot of ' fair weather friends' out there. i've just spent months listening to a friend with her troubles with hubby and her precious dog, and i mean moths maybe years. this week i was diagnosed with sjogrens i have all the other goodies too, sle, tinnitus, asthma RA the lot. LS i can honestly say in 17 yrs only one friend has asked me about how are u coping with lupus. when i told my girl friend i'd been dx on monday with sjogrens her reply was 'never heard of it' and subject was changed. i often go into a shell when i'm down or ill. but that also means im not there for others u will get called names for that. but i've growna hard shell now and my priority is look after myself 'cause no one else will.
..
on monday after i was dx. i was on the chat here and about 5/6 different people said good night to me at the end. it really lifted my spirits

i'm sorry to say maybe you are just finding out who your true friends are...

hugs marika

[andi04]

thanks for the replies *hugs* i am depressed i am sick of all this that i'm going through you would think it would get easier to deal with but not having my own independence drives me crazy having to rely on other people. I kind of feel like i'm in jail.

I have no way to escape i'm stuck in my parents house i'm 33 years old and i want out...I just want privacy and I have none..its very annoying....grrrr.

and to have friends just shun me off is well not any easier...i'm just glad i can come here and vent and not get looked at like i'm whining because I know all of you know some of the things i am feeling.

thanks for responding it has helped a little...now i just have to deal with my crappy day and all will be better yeah right better lol....

*hugs*
andi

[peonyprincess]

Do not take what is happening to you as a personal attack, there could be many factors here that are simply out of your control. You have been diagnosed with a disease that in all actuality is little known about. In that I mean, publically with some medically thrown in for good measures. People who have not personally dealt with a disease such as this do not grasp the concept of utter fatigue, depression, all the medications, etc that goes along with Lupus. With that they do not know what to say or how to say it. They do not realize that sometimes all they need to do is to be there and listen as with any friendship, but most importantly we are still the same and that doesn't change who we are exactly. We are the same, just with some extra baggage.

I know it is easy to say and harder to do because quite frankly it hurts, but if they have chosen to be out of your life, then so be it, it is their loss, not yours. There are plenty of people in this world that understands that friendship comes with its highs and lows and its goodtimes and bad times. If THEY cannot cope with the fact that their friend has an autoimmune disease then they really were not friends at all. Unfortunately we live in a very fast paced society and with that comes (in my opinion) alot of "all about me" people. They do not slow down to realize that there is more to life than what they are living. We, on the other hand have that good fortune to realize just that. Not knowing where you live and the organizations around you, not to mention your health capabilities, but why not join a group that would best fit your needs. There you would meet people who like you have realized the true meaning of life. That life is precious. There are good days and bad days but regardless of those days, we all remain the same. Those are the friends you want surrounding you.


Nancy

[tbunny1]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif Sorry to hear you are so down and feeling so isolated. I am sure living at home as an adult does not make this any easier for you. No matter how old we get, well, parents are still parents. To a parent, we ARE always a child.

I don't know where you live, but do you have a local lupus chapter? They can usually point you to support groups that meet once a month or so. It might be a great source for discovering new friends who would understand that just watching tv together may be all you can give in a day. I find when I am at my worst, helping somebody who is sicker than I will cheer me up, and works when nothing else does.

If you live in the US, The Lupus Foundation of America has links to local chapters. If you live in another country, I am sure other folks on this site can point you in the right direction.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif Tracy

[pauline1946]

You did'nt do anything wrong, some people just don't know how
to act around sick people. it's them not you.

I'm not trying to be nasty, but instead of saying i'm
stuck in my parent's house--------say thank God my parents
love me enough to allow me to live at home with them.

with lupus you may or may not be able to be independent.
try to find a small space for quit time alone.

you say your depressed, are you on medication for it? or
just the situation your in. lots of lupies are on anti depressants.
i wish i had a magical awnser for you, but i don't. look deep
within yourself for happiness. take it where you can find it,
as much and often as you can. we all have to make our
own escape to survive this darned desease, and it aint no
Sunday picnic or a walk in the park.
you can, and will find your way to deal with this.
it takes time.
praying for you to find peace

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

[andi04]

Thank you all so much you really have lifted my spirits up...

Your right i should be thankful I have my parents to live with, and I am normally but today is just one of those break out the violin and cry me a river kind of days, i think we all have those.

I'm on medication for my depression but i believe this is just daily life depression and not the medical kind I think i was throwing myself a pity party and wanted someone else to join in with me.

I just get so irritated with my situation and can't help but think that I am doing something to make it worse then it is, i wan to work but am not able to the sun makes me sick and i don't have the energy to work I'm in the process of waiting for disability and well let's just say my lawyer is taking his sweet time in trying to get a hearing.

I live in the usa michigan to be exact, I'll try to find a support group but the town i live in is not really oriented in lupus and i'm sure I would have to travel to another county to get to one that is really good.

I appreciate all the responses you don't know how much they mean to me...it helps me get through tough times like these and you all are right the friends who can't stand by me especially in my time of need aren't my friends at all.

I'm seriously glad I found you all...I really don't know what I would have done without this site.

*hugs* thanks
andi

[rwb200]

No one looses "Friends" for no reason. You loose friends because they were never friends to begin with. They were just Good Time Pals who were there for the good and when the bad comes they are gone.

People face this all of the time. Good Time Friends are never around for that long because they disapear as soon as things are not fun.
The hard part is finding out who is a friend and who is a Good Time Pal. Once that is fugured out you can figure out how to handle them.

We have faced the samething and it would be my guess so has everyone else out here.

For the most part I have come to understand that if you have one good friend then you are a lucky person. If you have more then one then you are a very very lucky person. For me my best friend is my wife, has been for years and hopefully always will be.
She is the only one who has ever been there no matter what.

she has with in the last two years managed to make one other friend that she conciders a real good friend. For me I have other people I like, people I like to be around at times and people I care for but no other people I concider a friend.
No since in attempting to fool myself they are there for the good times or out of a since of obligation or suck up and nothing else.

Depressing ? No a bit - not once you understand it and come to terms with it. Look for the one good friend who is always there no matter what. The one person you can always talk to and they are always understanding and never critical. The one person who is there because they care.

[Mariposa]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/shakehands.gif Hello ANDIE,
I'm sorry you had this bad experience and I can sympathize with you because it happened to me too style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif .
My husband couldn't believe that most of the girls who he thought were very nice, had turned their back on me. Most of the time they avoided me, even through e-mails and at the university they pretended they didn't see me style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/notlook.gif . I guess they thought I looked too weird, big hat/sunglasses + sunscreen, or they thought I was contagious. That's the only reason I can think of for abandoning me.
I got depressed and I turned to my Bible and to my daily devotions for inspiration. Also, I listened to my favorite gospel music group"Zoegirl" which is all girls. They have great contemporary music with good positive messages. They made me feel better while driving home from school.
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hugbetter.gif I know is hard but is not your fault. You're here and this is a great place to be. I call it my garden style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/foryou.gif

[sue90x]

Hi Andie,
well I'm another one lovey my friends disappeared like a puff of smoke when I was first dx and discharged from hospital, I truly have made just one good friend in the last 22 yrs, she's also ill not lupus but she does understand.I've come to a conclusion over the years having witnessed it for myself, when someone is in hospital ill, get lots of visitors, but when discharged they never telephone to see how you're doing or call in to see you. I witnessed it with my father-in-law (so I observed from a different perspective) its sickening in itself, some people seem to glean a certain glory from visiting someone in hospital bringing grapes juice flowers magazines and making all the right 'noises' then their care and concern because its not real disappears down the sluice upon discharge

My family aren't much better though, my sister recently screached down the phone for gods sake exactly what is it thats ****ing wrong with you no-one can feel as bad as you MAKE out l!!! strangley enough I haven't spoken to her since! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hissy1.gif stupid woman-

keep on keeping on remember everyone on here are your friends, arrange a time when you'll have coffee and we can all join in! a real cyber cafe!
Suex
keep smiling

[andi04]

Thank you so much for your responses they do help me and give me insight to this issue...

I still have the issue of dealing with family members who say they understand but have really no clue what i'm going through which hurts even more because I'm alone...I actually do have a few really good friends that I chat with on the internet and have done so for quite some time now...so at least I know they are there for me...

I really do appreciate you all for taking time to respond and will let you know when i am drinking my coffee lol....

so thanks for thinking of me

talk to you all later,

love and hugs
andi

[carla1962]

Hi Andi, Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I have lost my 'so called" friends too. All but one.She has sevier back problems,so she understands me a little better than most.My family is the same.My boys [ages..22 & 18] just kinda have avoided me.I know they are busy at school and work,But I think it hurts them to see me this way. My mom, well,she was the one I could always talk to..Now if I say something about a ache or pain or anything to do with my "symptoms", she either ignores me,or says oh yeah,I have that too..My step dad has been ill lately..but she has been this way about my 'illness' for a few years now.Mom gets up every morning and you can hear her singing as she cooks breakfast and everything she does is perfect and at 90 mph. She can't seem to understand that it is a chore for me to just walk through the house. She hints that I am just lazy.
Sue, I feel for you too. I'm just grateful that people here understand us.I know exactly what you mean , this site is a God send! I know it is for me.
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/coffee.gif
Hope you're both feeling better!
God Bless, Carla

[alobreto]

Hi, Andi! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
I've lost contact with people who used to stay in contact. I can't call anyone like that a friend. When they obviously avoid you, especially in time of need, they are not real friends.

I am very fortunate to have a small circle of friends that I can count on the fingers of 1 hand.

The people on this forum provide a valuable network of support when in-the-flesh loved ones/friends are not available. And I agree with TeriJ that an in-person support group is a good idea, as well, because those people would also understand what it can be like for us.

Just my 2 cents!
Angela style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flowers.gif