girl with boyfriend who has sle..

[loohoo]

HEY guys, I hope you all don't mind me posting here but I desperately need to hear from a male's perspective with lupus.

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. We have also had our fair share of tough times. He has had sle for two years now. He has a very low sex drive lately. I am taking it perhaps way too personally. I feel depressed. Unwanted. I am not enough. He says I don't know I don't know and finally blames it on his new medication for lupus.
I know I sound like a bitch but I just don't know. All of a sudden? He has mentioned it before. But can this really be? He is working very very hard. How can it be that he can work and feel fine for that and not for sex?

Do I take it personally? He says it's not about that. Something is wrong with him. He loves me. It will pass. I don't know.

Would he be better off without a relationship? I am so confused and I don't know how to handle this. He's always had exhaustion, and has talked about his libido not being the same. I guess it could be a combination of us being 'comfortable' and things settling down a bit as they do, and the lupus. I dont' know. I sound crazy on this post but my head is spinning. What can I do? I feel as though I can not do anything right. No matter what, no matter how affectionate we are throughout the day, how many times we say I love you, at the end, nothing. I can't take it. I feel physical affection is very neccesary. I'm not enough?
Somebody please tell me this has happened to them and it' snot just my boyfriend deciding I'm just not it for him.

My reasonable side says yes he is tired a lot. He gets tired fast and that's it, he's done. I should be patient. I should understand. But... I don't know.

[Tom]

Welcome to the site loohoo,

There are men with Lupus that find they have very low testosterone levels and do great with replacement therapy. It can also cause a variety of other problems if not treated for a long period of time.

I like this site for info. Here is the link for Low Testosterone: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/tutorials/lowtestosterone/htm/index.htm

If this is what it turns out to be, the treatment will make him feel a whole lot better! :)

[rwb200]

Hello Glad you posted - Welcome to the site.
I wish more people would go looking for answers at times rather than just go by emotion.

You said several things that I found interesting.
One was that your boyfriend was on a new medication - this can have a large effect on how a person feels and just what they feel like they can or can't do.

Next you said that your botfriend works very hard - Lupus can really tire a person. Energy levels are not what we always see in others. He may just be so wore out that he just can't do it.

Now a few other things - People with Lupus can go through an emtional roller coaster. This can have large effects on a persons sex drive. He may not feel desirable.
He may wonder what someone like you wants with him.
It is really hard to say what may or may not be going through his head and what effect it can have on him.

You say that it has recently cut back. This may just be a temporary thing. You also said that you have talked to him and he does not know what it is. If it was just a matter of desire then he would know that. A man does know when this happens.

Work with him and do not look for hidden reasons for everything. The main reason is very clear. Lupus and the Roller Coaster it puts people on.
These set backs happen with men and women who have Lupus.

[MSGT]

I guess some people would call me extreme but along with the rest people that is said, with Lupus it takes alot of love, understanding, and patience, but that love means alot, there are up days and there are down days, so decide now because things will not change. Yes I am blunt, but should you marry and still be unsure about things it will be worse, and thats an old mans point of view.

[Donna Marie]

Hello loohoo

first thing i'm a girl but i can't talk for men obviously but my own personal experience i do my shift at work get home and don't feel like doing a thing!. so with the sex thing i can understand him but i also understand the "rejection" thing, but don't take it personally, me and partner sit and still cuddle on the settee together even when i'm unwell.

xxx take care

From Donna

[Russellbar01]

I reckon we're all unique creatures and you can't really generalise when it comes to sex, how often how long etc etc.At 48 i find it's a bit of a chore sometimes and just can't be bothered. So it varies like all things in life, there are ups and downs.
I suggest that any women who has a problem with her blokes sex drive should take the leading role.
But don't take it personally if he's not too bothered about sex.
When you've got lupus there's a lot of phsychological crap goes on in the head. You can't explain that to others but it sure screws around with you sometimes.
Be patient be kind and be a lover.

[Edited by CT]

[sjay66]

It could also be that the act of sex is extremely painfull for him, and he may pay for it the following day, especially if he works. Try to look at it like this, no one likes doing something that they know will cause them pain, this alone would lower his libido.

Perhaps discuss with him whether pain is a problem for him and talk about other things you both could do for each other which would also satisfy your need for love and affection (which by the way is only natural), but may not be so physically demanding on him.

Being a male with lupus I have found that the single act of sexual intercourse can be the difference between being able to walk, or spending a week in a wheelchair. I am married, and while my wife and I do not have a stereotypical sexual relationship, we are still able to satisfy "each others" needs, and I am able to walk the next day.

I hope this is not to risque Moderators but I could not find any other way of trying to express my thoughts and experiences, in the hope that it might help Loohoo.

Steve