the day the music died ...

[spellbinder]

:( greetings all,

well its been awhile since i've been on the site and even longer since i posted ... this maybe long, but i have no one else to talk to and at least here you won't see me cry

as some of know i had always said that i had nominated my husband for sainthood, well now i guess i need to rescind that nomination.

for many weeks i've noticed and mentioned here that i thought my husband had been pulling away from me and that i was envious of his life outside of me, and like most of you said he just needed some alone time. well he started spending more and more evenings out and weekends at work or church or whatever, not home. well on the nite before thanksgiving i finally confronted him, and he said that he is overwhelmed, he said he missed what we had, the passion and that he wishes he knew of place i could live and be taken care of properly. i died ...

well things got progressively worse ... every few days i would press him. finally it hit on christmas eve.... he says he doesn't feel the same way as he once did, when i asked what did i do he said "nothing" i said haven't i been supportive of all your desires? haven't i travel all over the country when you were crawling up the corporate latter?? he said "yes" have i ever asked anything of you but to love me and grow old with me he said "no, you haven't done anything wrong and have been a wonderful wife, but i'm just not happy ...i went into a tailspin.

every conversation alittle more would come out and first he became unhappy when we moved here in oct 2003, then it went back to late 2002, then it was way back in 96 ... crap at this rate it will be before we met in 92. mind you this man has written me such beautiful love letters and poems, too many to list but believe me i never new a man could be so sweet and write so eloquently.

i continued to try and talk, but he won't budge, he says he just not happy and doesn't know what he is unhappy about, he won't even try to fix what ever the problem is, like go to therapy, see a clergy ... he won't even think about it. he not even sure he will be happy without me ...

i believe he is going thru a mid life crisis, he has been going to a church and his classes at this church says to re-examine your life and your past and get rid of all that you feel have caused you to be in a rut, guess that means me... he has completely changed, he's a pod person ... i barely see the man i loved so dearly for 15yrs. i wish i could just hate him, make him feel hurt as much as i do...but i don't know how. i have loved this man so deeply, never thought i could love anyone that much, everyone who knew us SAW how much in love we were and how we balanced each other out (he calming and i'm a bit more lively).

i don't understand this; i don't know what i'm going to do. he knows how difficult it is for me to do simple things like shower, clean alittle around the house. i have double vision and can't drive. i don't eat properly unless he actually cooks or brings home take out ... now these are the physical things the emotional stuff i can't even explain ... he taught me how to love, how to trust... my past had taught me to protect my heart and never ever trust anyone completely .. so i guess he prove my earlier feelings were indeed correct.

so he has rented me a condo/townhouse in palm coast florida near my parents ... i will have to find new doctors and hope they will keep medicated as my current team does, as narcotics make most doctors go into anaphylactic shock.

i'm devastated, shattered and numb. i really can't imagine my life with out him .. i really truly honestly want to die (i have been suicide in the past with a couple of failed attempts). i don't wanna live in florida, i don't wanna look for a new medical team and most importantly i don't want to live without him.

i suppose i could go on and on but its hard to see as the tears are just pouring down my face as they have for the past several weeks

thanks for reading ....

[helloos]

Spellbinder

You have broken my heart. Your post touched me so deeply and I can't express how I feel about it. Very sorry.

I know that you have had a struggle with Lupus - with everything. You know that we understand here and we see eachothers marriages fall apart from time to time do to this disease. It does not just effect us but our families as well.

I think we all can relate that with this disease, relationships do change. While some spouses may handle it better than others, it changes simply because you can't do as much fun things together as you once used too.

My thought is if you are comfortable where you are, is there a way you can stay there? Or perhaps find a place to live there? Do you have friends where you are? If something can work out there and you can have help, I would stay. If not, then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to move near your family - if they are supportive. You certaintly will need family and all the support you can get - not to be alone.

I can only express that if you are having suicidal thoughts that you should immediately contact your doctor or go to the ER. There is plenty of help out there - you just need to reach out.

Your life is very important. You have always replied so nicely to everyone's post. You are a nice, cheerful, positive and strong individual with much to give. Try not to lose site of that. I think that there are times in our lives that we are devastated, lost and confused, don't see any way out. But there always was. When a door closes, a new one opens. Even if we don't want it to. But when we think there is no purpose to live or think that we cannot live without another individual, we are wrong. At the time we don't see it and that is why you must take other peoples words into consideration. That you will be able to make it. It will work out. You deserve a good life and no matter what happens, you have a family here.

I am glad that you reached out here because it is so important to hear what people say and to get their strength.

There are always options. You need to look at the whole picture and see what is right for you and where to live and the doctors, etc.

I know you said that your husband will not consider therapy. I wish he would. Perhaps marriage counseling or something would help but if you are unwilling........ it does sound as if he himself is depressed.

I know that you are devasted, but please try to think of what is best for you. In the long run.

I am worried about you and if you ever need to talk aside from this board, just email or pm me.

I will be praying for your situation to resolve the best way for you.

[Joandublin]

Hi Spell

Im really very sorry to hear about what has happened:sad: It must be truly a devastating blow for you. Paula has given you some good advice. Please, please contact someone if you are having suicidal thoughts. Do you have a friend close by that you can phone? Can you contact a member of your family? Is there an organisation you can ring if you are feeling suicidal? Nothing is worth losing your life for. If you have to, go to the ER. They have trained doctors there who can help you.

Again I am really sorry this is happening to you but please call someone.

Much love and strength
Joan:rose:

[goats]

I only have giant hugs for you
please call a doctor,friend, family or someone here when you need it
don't deal with this alone. you are a special person and the world needs you in it

[debralee]

((((((((Spellbinder))))))))

I am sorry that ouy are going through all of this. Please lean on ouyr family and friends for support while ouyr going through this difficult time in ouyr life.

I will have ouy in my prayers.

God Bless,
Deb

[acard]

Spellbinder,
My heart hurts for you . I cannot even put what I feel in words.
I do know that you have many people who love and care for you.
You cannot give in to those terrible thoughts. You are here for a purpose which goes above and beyond what we know or think.
Everyone has given great advice-please remember you are never alone.
Take Care and Please keep us posted to how you are doing.
Many Blessings and Best Wishes,
Becca

[neongirl]

(((((((((hugs))))))))), I am so sorry that you have been so hurt by someone so close to you:( . Two things come to mind, first, when God closes a door he opens a window......start looking for your window:) . The second is a book I'd like to reccomend to you, it is called "the sociopath next door" 2005, please take a look at it, if what you read sounds very familiar to you, it could help shed some light on the relationship and help put things into better prospective for you.

[LoopyLoo]

Spellbinder,

I don't know you well but I have written in the past that you are always so giving to others on this board. This has taken the rug from under you & I can't imagine for a minute how you feel.

Everyone here will help & support you, please do not feel that you are alone.

Keep in touch with us & look after yourself. I wish there was more I could say.

Sending you gentle hugs of comfort :hugbetter:

Love,

Pam xxx

[Marika]

Hi spellbinder,
i read yr mail the other day and have thought about it a lot. This man has made you dependent upon him. Ever heard of the helper syndrome...i'm sure everyone else has said what a saint he is too...looking after his sick wife at home ect. must have felt good for years.
Often alcoholics only get by because they have a co- habitator (spl) believe me i know about this i've been there. But sometimes you have tobe cruel to be kind as they say...and to help someone force them to help themselves...
depression is a terrible thing as it isnt visible....but no dr. is going to come and knock on yr dr. and ask you if u need help. You have to get down there say what has happend and that for the forsee-able future you need help.
You said in your mail you don't want to go to Florida, find new Dr. ect live near to yr parents.....then why are you doing what he wants you to do...habit maybe...you sounds as if u have always done it..even eating what he brings you.
You are probably ranting what does she know...she doesnt know me...quite right i dont..i'm just reading between the lines.
I wonder what your hubby would do if you turned round and said...
'No, i don't want to go to Florida yet..maybe in the future a new start ect...but at the moment I'm going to stay here with the Dr.s I know and people I know and take it slowly to sort things out. If he can afford a condo for u in Florida then he can get one for u where u live...or for himself.

It's very dangerous to make yourself totally dependant on someone...look how many loved ones have been lost over the xmas period on this site, through death or have been left.
Lupus is a terrible illness had it 18 yrs now or more, incl. depression . You can lean on people for help, like a rod..but they can break and then u have tobe carefull you don't fall. You have to help yourself here, get help for the depression, stay where you are...don't let him parcel you off. bet you thought how good he is..just wants me tobe cared for and looked after. No dear out of site out of mind.....

I may get banned for writing this...as it comes over quite hard..but its not meant in a nasty way at all. i just wish I was there could take you by the hand..and push you there...Again I've been there...you've got to help yourself.

Wish u could feel angry, its a great energy booster.
Take care, thinking of you
Marika

[spellbinder]

:wavey: :thanx:

hey my lovelies

well what can i say, your relpies have been overwhelming, you all really do know how to make someone feel better.

first off, i am still devestated and feel like crap but i seem to only cry once or twice a day. i find that upon waking is the worst (is that a word??) you know, dreamworld is great and then you wake up ...:wink2:

i did throw a hissy fit on sunday and refused to move to florida, i just can't, its too hot & humid, and my folks, well they will just drive me batty, always have (i'm a rotten daughter) but i have always been relatively independent but with lupus its not as easy as it once was. so he said he would move out and leave me with the house but i would have to get roommates and i won't do that either (stubborn little thing i am). he doesn't mind having roommates (as long as its not me ;) ) so i have found a little carriage house around the corner that way he can still help me run errands and take me to the doctors and visit. he says he is not out of my life and that he will always take care of me, so i guess our relationship is different. he won't divorce me as we know i need his health coverage. plus it helps with taxes.

so now we are cancelling the condo in florida and calling the little carriage house. i'm still not happy not by a long shot but i always have been a survivor and come out the other side alittle worse for wear but still standing.

.... and mirka, i am not dependent on him, nor does he want me to be, its just how things are. i can not drive due to neuro issues, and eating is due to malabsoption, ulcers and gastroparesis, nor can i stand to actually cook a nutrutious meal. i am not co-dependent nor is he its just how things are. i've had my fair share of abusive relationships, drug and alcohol etc. so i think you may have misunderstood my post.

i'm basically stunned, shattered and plain miserable, i don't need a man never did, i just WANT him, he really is a good person at heart, and very loving, even now, if he weren't this wouldn't be so hard. i think he is just confussed and maybe he'll see the light ... hope so anyway, all i can do wait though it may be against all odds but that what i have to chance.

thank again for the replies

oxoxoxoo

[Marika]

spellbinder,
i did not want to offend you in anyway whatso ever, i misunderstood yr post then. It is difficult sometimes to really understand the written word...I wish u all the best really, and hope you can come to an arrangement that suits you both...and of course that you are happy with.

Take Care,
Marika:)

[neongirl]

Spellbinder, way to go! You are making good progress. I'm glad you found the carriage house, where you will be more comfortable:) .

[Scared & Helpless]

:) My husband of 11 years had an affair that wrecked mine and my son's life
on topof that my son has been diagnosed with Lupus. My son and I are stonger now than ever before. Be brave and don't give up on what you want.
Friends and family can ease the pain if you will let them, life is worth living and you can make it.:hehe: xxxxxxx

[barbie74]

Spellbinder,

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. It sounds like your hubby just needs a little space. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I have a feeling that in time, everything will be Ok between the both of you. I wish you well today and in the future.

Barbie;)

[Mary Mc]

Dear Spellbinder,
My heart goes out to you. I have been in similar situation, though my husband was never the support to me that yours was to you. When he left the first time I just wanted to lay down, close my eyes and never wake up, but my family, my sisters especially, kept phoning and picking me up til I realised I was doing things, little things for myself until eventually I was coping, on my own. You are much stronger than you know. There are lots of people who can, and want to help. It's hard, but when you lean on people who want you to be happy and the best you can be, it will become much easier. I will be thinking of you, and sending my very best wishes and prayers your way. you can do it. Much love, Mary x

[spellbinder]

:wavey: hey kids ....

well seems like everyday its something new. after talking about the carriage house joe came home and said since this is his doing and his problem he would move into a one bedroom apt near his office. he still will be taking me to doctors, getting my meds and visiting alot. its all quite confusing. he says he still loves me and always will, guess i can take some comfort in that. its funny though, when we are here together its like nothing has changed, we laugh and talk ... its just weird. he also says that he just needs the space and time to sort out things. i did tell him he can't have sex with anyone :p he says that probably not going to be a problem :Party: .

i'm still struggling, i already miss him terribly but at least he is still going to be coming around ... after all i do need someone to take out the garbage, i don't do garbage and i don't plan on dating.

so currently i'm purging the house, getting rid of all the crap that has been stashed around the house, getting new slip covers for the furniture, new coffee table, the internet is a wonderful place :rotfl: .

so i'm continuing on with this life i have with the hopes that this separation is just that, a separation and he will come home soon. after all i'm special:eleph: and downright cute as a button, i'm the best little thing (size 2) that has or will ever come his way.

i'll keep you posted on life with teri ...

be well my lovelies