One more time................................

[confused1]

Tuesday I had a lot of fun. Wednesday I paid for it. Threw up madly for four or five hours and then spent the next two days in bed. I'm almost back to "normal" now, but the whole thing set off my gyroscope and now I'm back to swervy feelings and gremlins dashing in at the edges whenever I least expect it.

I gave out yesterday. I'm all out of gas and strength and everything. Husband has been fed up with me. He spends all his time and energy keeping the house afloat -- after working horribly long hours. And I can't even do a real vacation. Travel makes me sick, etc.

I lost it. Told him the truth about how I think of suicide and only don't do it cuz I know what it would do to our sons, both of whom suffer terrible depression.

He started making appointments. Took me to my GP today. I don't know why. It's the same thing over and over. GP says it's "unusual" for Sjogren's to make a patient so ill and that he believes I must be depressed and that there's not much to be done for nerve pain. Uh-huh, heard it all before. This time husband heard it too.

I left with Rx for amtriptalene (sp?) for depression and pain help. Will make me groggy and put on pounds. Yippie.

I'm going for counseling. Again.

Bottom line: Coping. I just have to find some deeper wellspring of courage, strength, toughness, acceptance of pain and fatigue aned the other stuff that goes with it. (confusion, balance issues that keep me from driving frequently, falling, verbal confusion)

So it continues, I'm costing money again and have zero hope of ever bringing anymore in.

And yes, I am feeling gawdawful sorry for myself. And whining. And self-pitying. And it's really not pleasant or mature and I should just buck up and get a hold of myself and accept my lot and be an inspiration to my children and the world in general.

Thank you for letting me howl and whine. I'm not here often cuz i don't feel I have a lot to offer. And because sometimes I get overwhelmed with how much pain and misery and suffering there is and how brave and wonderful so many people are. I do love so many people here. And through the past four years I don't think I would have made it without the support and laughter I've found here. Please forgive me for carrying on like a snotty child. I know I've been wallowing in self-pity way, way too long.

If the amtriptaline doesn't work, then I'm going to try fentanyl patch. At least there's a plan.

Love to you all,
Sunny

[Douglas]

So sorry to hear that you are having such a miserable go of it right now. I know the suicidal ideation (Don't we just love the fashionable terms?) as an old friend. While I have done the counselling thing (hilariously on both sides of the metaphorical desk) I found most help from Emotions Anonymous, a 12 Step Programme based on Alcoholics Anonymous. I try to hit two meetings a week and it has (I believe) saved my life.

All the best.
Douglas+

[guinivere67]

so sorry to read you are feeling so bad, physically and emotionally. I don't have any advice i'm afraid as i am undiagnosed at the moment (although i am on amitriptiline as my GP thought i had fibromyalgia, which i may have, and i must say this has improved my sleep pattern) - just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. I share a lot of your feelings - i was in tears (well a spot of water came out of my straw-dry eyes lol) trying to wash up while my hubby was out - he's doing so much for me at the moment and i feel so guilty, but the overwhelming pain down the right side of my back was just too much to bear. It does get you down doesn't it - but i struggle on for hubby and our five children.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping you can lift yourself up out of the mire...with love

[LolaLola]

Dear Sunny,
Poor You! Hope Ami. helps. I can do very little in house, certainly never enough to catch up ever. My vacations consist of Seaside British Resorts in February and similar. I have solved it by letting my Husband and Teens go off on mini-cruises etc. They have a great time, I manage while they are gone by just doing the very basics for myself and our pets. I have friends nearby if I come unstuck. I know the useless feeling but at least I did contribute for a long time. Bet you have too.
How old are your Boys? I am sorry about their Depression and hope they are being helped.

x Lola

[halfpintfl]

:( Hi Sunny, I am on amytriptaline also, I have been on it since 1995. it is a good drug in the sence that I have never experience any side effects. the only thing was at first my dr. had a rough time getting my dose right. first it was not enough then I would call him and go in, we'd talk then he would up the dose, and on and on till we finally hit it right. I know what the depression thing is, the main thing that bothers me is that my husband is doing the things that I should be doing, ( and he is not very good at it ). I take pride in my home and I consider certain things"my job" as lady of the house. One is grocery shopping. Now he is doing it andboy, the junk he brings home. Anything in an extra pretty package >he buys it. I havent had a decent meal in I don't know how long. The other thing is that he wont let me drive the car. Now, that's a big one. it hurts so much, I feel belittled, shamed, incompatant, and more. It has caused me to go into the bathroom and cry many times. When you loose your independance, I feel like I have lost everything. Well, I did not mean to bring you down more, I just wanted to let you know that there are others of us that are in your boat with you.
hugs, and take care.

[LoopyLoo]

((((((((((Sunny))))))))))

I am so sorry you are feeling so low but it is completely understandable. Hubby will be very worried about you and doesn't know the best way to help.

I know it's difficult but is there no way you can change your doctor, it doesn't sound like he is very supportive of your needs. Is he your local doc or do you have a rheumy?

Please don't ever feel that you have nothing to give here. I can personally say that you have been a huge support to me recently and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. You really made a difference to me. :flower2:

You are always so supportive to others and I think your name matches your personality in your posts. Sunny :sunny:

It's ok to have a moan now and again, I believe it's a healthy thing to do. Give the new meds a chance, you can always stop them if you feel you are not getting any benefit.

Also.....look after you. It sounds like you need some pampering time.

Sending you gentle hugs, positive thoughts & a great big mug of hot chocolate with marshmallow.:)

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_13_9.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxmk121KPGB)
Lots'a'luv,

Pam xxx

[raggedyann1]

Sunny,

I am glad you told your husband what you have been thinking about. That kind of honesty helps a marriage in many ways. Remember that you are bringing in an SSDI check now and I hope you are getting it for your sons as well. That means all your years of work are helping your household. Your husband obviously loves you to take the time to make doctors appointments for you.

I remember that part of the problem with seeing doctors was your insurance. Now that you have medicare you can see practically any doctor that you want. Are you making sure that your doctors are copying your medicare card to bill them. Another rabbit trail here. How much does it cost your husband to have you on his insurance. Compare that to the medicare copays and the Part D prescription insurance available to you.

Amitryptiline can help with fibromyalgia and therefore myofacial pain syndrome. I discovered last fall that my doctor has that written in my chart now although my pain in that area is no where near yours. I take its cousin nortryptiline. By the way I have found that a product called bio-freeze works the best for me when my shoulders and neck start acting up. My husband got it from my old chiropractor when he couldn't find it at the drug store.

There are no easy answers for all of this. You already know that and needed to come vent. This is the place to vent.

Is it time to increase your narcotic pain meds? My pain doctor has said more than once that eventually our bodies adjust to the dose and a higher dose becomes necessary.

I hope to see you in chat soon.

Take care,
Karen