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Dating Someone With Lupus

Discussion in 'Relationships & Lupus' started by COdad77, May 21, 2018.

  1. COdad77

    COdad77 New Member

    I am a 40 year old single father and have been dating a 34 year old woman with lupus since late March 2018. We met online and she disclosed her condition the second night we had been communicating. She was very up front about it and honest, which I greatly appreciated. She told me that if it scared me away, she'd understand. However, we hadn't met yet and I wanted to give her a chance.

    She had to cancel our first 4-5 meetings because she was feeling bad and honestly I was just about to give up if there was one more cancellation. Finally, after 3 weeks of communicating, we finally met in person.

    She was a little different looking from her pictures because she had cut her hair (due to her chemo treatments) and had gained some weight. However, she was delightful to talk to and there was definitely some chemistry between us. I was amazed at how many similarities we had. I had never met anyone in years quite like her and knew she was definitely a keeper!

    During our second meeting the next day, she revealed more things to me about her lupus. She had been diagnosed 16 years before with the worst form of lupus there is. Her entire body was effected with the disease and she had undergone many surgeries and procedures including open heart surgery to place a pacemaker when she was 24, 5 tendon release surgeries on her foot, an appendectomy and 2 knee surgeries.

    What she was dealing with at that time was CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) which is a central nervous system defect that affected her left arm. It causes severe burning pain to radiate up to her shoulder. There is no cure for this and the pain meds she was on had minimal affect on her burning pain. She had been in and out of the hospital for 5 weeks during the last 6 months. Throughout the course of her lupus, there had been multiple times where she was close to death.

    I struggled with the fact that if we got closer and eventually fell in love, she could die. Was I ready to willingly get into a relationship with someone with that reality? Sure, I could look past the lupus at her character, which I found the most attractive. But there was always that thought looming in the background about her health.

    She was admitted to the hospital for pain management and spent the next 2 weeks there. During her stay, additional complications arose that prolonged her admission. I stayed one overnight with her and was able to experience some of what she went through.

    I brought her a dozen roses for our one month anniversary and called her every night. I wanted to be there for her and support her during this very rough time.

    We grew closer and closer during this time and then I realized that she had been in the hospital for almost half the time we had been together. One part of me wanted to continue pursuing a relationship with her, while another part of me still hesitated. I knew that she was ready to go forward with me but that second part of me still held back. I wanted to pursue a relationship because of who she was on the inside as a person and not become her "caretaker" or stay with her because I felt sorry for her.

    So my dilemma is: should I continue seeing her with the possibility that she will have multiple hospital stays and might die? Or should I move on in my life without her now before we get too close so I don't get hurt? I don't want to seem selfish and let her go but at the same time I want to protect my heart from any pain. We talked about it and she said to let her know if I would like to move on. A break up this early in our relationship would be easier to go through instead of if we break up further down the road after we are in love. She told me she would still understand if I wanted out.

    I just don't want to regret my decision further down the road to stay or go. That's why I'm really investing time into my decision. Thank you guys for hearing me out! Any comments help!
  2. annmarie02

    annmarie02 New Member

    Please hang in there.
    If you have feelings for one another than there is no reason to hesitate. To be blunt, everyone (even the healthiest among us) come with our own baggage and hardships. And every one of us have the certainty of dieing.
    It would be a shame to miss out on a fulfilling connection on account of 'what if'?
  3. x_claire_x

    x_claire_x Moderator

    My husband is the fittest person I know working huge hours every week, but in the last 18mths he has had treatment for kidney cancer and for a cardiac condition; there are no guarantees in the 'normal ' population either...but I understand your dilemma. You are the only one that can decide that..... and it sounds as if your partner is amazingly considerate of your conflicts too.
    Take a lot of time and thought.
    Em19 likes this.
  4. COdad77

    COdad77 New Member

    Thank you Claire for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. It's got to be really difficult dealing with a spouse and those health problems. I pray for the best in your situation. And thank you for your kind words about me and my situation. I know it's ultimately up to me and I'm pretty sure I've made the decision to go ahead with the relationship. It's not going to be easy but as the old saying goes, who said life was easy? Take care of yourself and your husband!
  5. x_claire_x

    x_claire_x Moderator

    My husband is very well now and just has check ups as do I. Strangely enough having ill health has made us prioritise our health more in the general chaos/busy life we makes us less likely to sweat the small each other loads... and thoroughly enjoy everything we do have. I never thought I would see him doing yoga..and getting better at it!! Or me on a bike (electric, so a bit of a help )...we exercise together more now, which is lovely as we get older.

    In a strange way illness can make you look at life differently; though we have had enough hard times that we already appreciate our lovely family immensely. Life is a round of hurdles it seems.

    I think your lady was very brave to be so upfront and honest with you from the start virtually; a difficult thing with such a personal subject, but very necessary as it seems to be very disruptive to her sounds as if her disease isn't well controlled at the moment..... I hope she is receiving good care, there are a lot of drug trials ongoing for SLE and related diseases so hopefully there will be more choice in the near future...indeed I trialled a sister drug to a biologic that is about to be launched onto the market...the one I tested turned my disease right round..... things were almost controlled apart from a few parts of it.

    Both of your needs need to be carefully take your time. You are obviously very fond of her and sometimes you just either 'click' or not.... disease or not.

    Wish you both well...……...Claire

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