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Staying Simple
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Discussion Starter #1
Dear all,

I had been told that me having lupus is the reason why. I have been in remission and I'm an active person(although sometimes I drag along in events coz' I don't want to disturb others enjoying the occasion). I've been 100% honest with him since the beginning about lupus. But in the end, I had been slapped with cold-hard words on the face. He literally said, "because of your health, I cannot choose you to be my lifelong companion." Choose??! It broke my heart good, but I didn't say a thing.

Unfortunately, I had been investing my time and energy to the stupid sincerity I had for him, even though it had been a crucial period for my life that would decide my life and career. Another most unfortunate thing is that, I have never been as close to anybody before.

Does it have to be that way all the time? Should I even be crying for that kind of guy?

And another thing I want to ask is, in the future should I start with a not-so-serious-in-mind relationship so that it wouldn't be as hard if it happens to have the same ending?

Thanks.
 

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better to find out sooner than later is all that I can say, but boy it must hurt !

the bastard - I am sure there is someone out there better for you .....

hugs

raglet
 

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Hello Sue,

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It must indeed hurt a lot! I won't make any comments on his person as I'd be censored!

I just wanted to say that there are wonderful people out there. After a painful marriage and divorce I was very wary going into any new relationship and indeed got to the stage where I pretty much didn't want one at all. I was happy with my house, kids and dog.

I then "met" someone (via the internet would you believe) who I got on with very well. I have to say though that I kept him at a distance for many things to begin with and basically got on with my life as I wanted to live it and if he could fit in fine, and if he couldn't then that was fine too.

I had been ill (with no diagnosis) during my marriage but when I met this new person I was actually in remission. Then, about a month after I met him I started to get ill again and that was when I realised that this is not just stress etc etc.

A year into our relationship I was diagnosed with lupus and a polymyositis overlap. He took everything in his stride, never criticised, never judged and a month after I was diagnosed (despite me being very ill) proposed to me.

We have now known each other for almost three years (got married last October) and things have never changed. He has been steady as a rock. Always there when I need him but able to give me space when needed too. We have worked through a year of me being off work and having very little income from health insurance; a year of change and learning to accept the new me (not easy for someone who was extremely active before). Contrary to you, I haven't been active at all and despite that, his attitude has never changed. Some could say I'm very lucky and I do hugely appreciate the wonderful person I live with but I am also convinced that if someone truly loves you then your illness wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference.

Sending loads of hugs winging their way to you :hug: and loads of nastiness in his direction,

You will find that special someone and the fact that you're ill isn't going to change a thing when you have really found the right person.

Katharine
 

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Dear Sue,
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I am sure you are a lovely person and will make someone a much loved Partner.

Please let us know what we can do.
xxx Lola
 

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Try to remember:

Not to let his attitude or decision define who you are or your worth as a person.
It really really hurts now but one day you will look back and be so grateful that he was not 'the one'.

Thats a promise:)

For now just tell me where he is and we can tar and feather him:wink2:.

Nicky
 

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I am so sorry that you have been hurt this way. That is such a hurtful man. You are better off without him. He didn't know that he was so lucky to have you. It will be his loss once he realizes it isn't only who is chooses, but they must also choose him. I'd like to knock him off his pedestal.

I think that you have your heart broken and have every right to cry about it. It is ok to cry and mourn. But then you have to pick yourself up and carry on. What doesn't break you, makes you. It defines you as a human being and makes you a stronger person. More aware. Able to make choice good for you.

Any first date, friend, etc. should always start out slow. Test the waters, have some fun. Get some laughs, let him spoil you and treat you like gold. When the time is right, you will know to share your health issues with him. There are good people out there. But there also are yucky ones...

Pick your head up, you are worth it. His loss.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you guys!

Dear all,

Thank you so much for all the kind supportive replies. I feel better now. One of my best friends also said the same thing. I guess he never was sincere. I have been quite downsome for the last couple of weeks, thinking I'm losing big chunks of my life because of lupus.

After reading your posts, I realized it is not worth it to feel this way for someone like him. He is not a big chunk of my life. I have cried enough and I can't and shouldn't waste my energy for it anymore. Afterall, energy is the most precious thing for us lupies. I guess I should even feel lucky that I wasn't seen as someone good enough for him coz' "choosing" means he never was sincere to anybody else.

I feel much better now. About tarring and feathering him, I greatly appreciate the line. Thank you! :rotfl::lol:;) If I could, I want to run him down with an 18-wheeler. :p I guess, I definitely have to be more careful about relationships from now on. I would definitely have to keep my distance before completely giving in.

What a character! Like life hasn't been hard enough for us to struggle. Still I have to take good care of myself and live my own life. I guess this also is one of the things that is learned the hard way and this too shall pass. :)

Again guys, thanks a lot!
 

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It's good to hear that you are feeling better, and sounding more positive, I agree with what everyone else has said. It's tough to think that lupus has taken something away from us, but this guy would probably have turned out to be an idiot regardless. A worthy relationship will survive whatever is thrown at it, and become stronger as a result. Take good care of you, because you are worth it, and certainly worth better that him!
 

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Dear Sue


Just wanted to give you a great big hug when I read your post... I think you deserve so much more. I know it may not feel like it at the moment as your heart has probably been torn to shreds and from past experience people say that "you will find someone else". I never used to believe them and didn't want to because I was hurting.

I think most of us have at some stage had someone not understand how it is for us Lupies and find it difficult to deal with. Then again us lupies also sometimes have a hard job understanding it ourselves.

I like Katherine have (eventually) found the most amazing partner / husband. When we first met 7 years ago. I was reasonably active could walk quite a distance (even though my knees hurt on occasion) and we used to go cycling across the Somerset Levels (all day). Over the last 5 years this has deteriorated and I couldn't walk too far because my muscles hurt and cramped. Through all this he has encouraged me and helped me and supported me when, in vain, I tried to find some answers.

At times I will say to him that he deserves so much more than I can give him at the moment he deserves better. He says all he wants is to spend time with me, I am his wife and soul mate and that is all that matters. He knows when I am having a bad day or if I have done too much and makes me rest up. I am so blessed to have him and I am sure that in time you will find such a man who will love and cherish you for who you are...... the lupus wont matter.

Take care of yourself and take time to mend your wounded heart... Some things are worth waiting for, and come when you are least expecting it!

Hugs Claire
 

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Dear Sue

I am sorry you have been treated so badly and he had to use your health as an excuse... he is most probably not worth it!!

Don't let him hold you back and remember you are worth a lot more than he will ever deserve!!

Big hugs

Martine
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Hi guys,

You're probably right. I guess I just need to wait for someone who values me for myself, but not an opportunist who thinks a relationship is something you have to choose from many, based on social circumstances.
Life is so much more complicated than I always thought. I guess I needed that lesson to wake me up and toughen me up.
Thanks for your replies.

Sue
 

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Hi Sue,

Sorry I am late to post here.

I agree that it is better to find out now what kind of person he is. It hurts but I always feel like if we can take away knowledge from past relationships moving forward we are better off.

I did not find Mr. Right until I was 32 and got married at 34.

By the way, I found him when I stopped looking. People always told me this would happen, and it did.

I know you will find Mr. Right too...............probably when your not looking or least expect it.

Keep your chin up and know that your worth more then this guy could give you.:wink2:
 

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Sue, the bottom line is, I'm happy for you. You really dodged a bullet. How fortunate you were to find out what kind of creep he really was before it was too late. What if you had married him or even started a family and then he decided he couldn't handle your health issues? Thank your lucky stars. This is a good thing. Now you can go out and find someone worthy of you and all you have to offer. You are so much more than just a person with lupus.
 

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Sue.......i am sending big hugs your way. i split with my partner a few months after dx bec. he couldnt cope with my illness and was staying away for longer periods and couldnt offer me the support i needed.

so i say.......you are soooooooooo much better off without someone so cold and calculated in your life. you will begin to feel much better and will eventually find someone more worthy of your time and energies.

this disease can make us feel bad enough without those we 'love' making us feel even worse..
 

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My son has waited a long time to find "just the right person" to spend the rest of his life with. A year ago, he found her. She is kind, loving, compassionate, and wise beyond her years. She also has Lupus. The wedding is set for December 13.

When the right person comes along, health is never the issue--just one more of life's turns that you deal with together. I wish for you the same happiness, Sue.
 

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Hi Sue,

I was sadden and a bit angry when I read your post. My sister's boyfriend of at least a couple of years walked out on her when she was diagnosed with crohn's. She found a wonderful husband later had 4 kids and is still happily married after 32 years!

My husband's friend was up here last weekend and he is about 45 years old and single. I know he has been in a couple of relationships and he is not very nice at all to women in my opinion and has severe anger problems. So when we got to the topic of dating he said he won't ever get married or in a serious relationshilp because he is too selfish (which is very true and I'm glad he admits it). This makes me think of that as I read your story. This was a selfish act in my opinion.

It may be hard to see now and I know words are hard to accept at at time like this, but they will make sense one day. It is a greiving process.

True love will take you far. It's just a matter of time and it will happen when you least expect it.

Nutty
 

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well try being married and him having affair, because alot of the time you feel to tired to move at all. but im hanging in there. after 25 years what is a girl to do
 

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What a totally nasty, horrible person!!!!! Much better off without him. Think the trick is not to be too keen too quick and as you get to know lupus better, it'll be easier to explain to others, although i find it terribly difficult to explain how i'm feeling to my boyfriend. Keep smiling and one day when you least expect it, a fabulous, caring handsome man will walk into your life and love you even more the days when you are nasty to him cause you feel rotten. In my eyes that's what true and lasting love is.
 

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Hi there,

I am so sorry that you had to end up with an idiot.... There are all kinds of people in the world like this... If it wasn't for your illness it would have been something else... So dont lose any sleep over any of this... He isn't worth it...
My daughter was with a guy like that and he broke her heart... She isn't ill... She thought she would never love again.... WEll she is engaged to be married on june 20th.... So Chin up and keep smiling.... Life is good because you got rid of a loser...

Love Penny
 

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I am not sure why he used the lupus but some people think they can handle it and in the end they use it as the reason. Love hurts whether you have lupus, cancer,or no disease at all. It just gives them another reason to use. I would love to incuriage you to let him have it but that would be wrong. Okay my best advice don't look for love look for a really good friend and often love just blooms. I know it sounds corny but it is often the truth that is the cornest of all. Looking gets people in trouble so just relax and let things happen. Nothing but time will heal what hurts on you now, focusing on other things can help pass the time. This is the best I have not much I know. Just so you know I ended an 18yr. relationship so I know how you feel. He was cheating on me with his ex-wife because I didn't have the energy. He really thought it was okay, Just a question in general why do people think it is okay to hurt someone at all. You deserve much better and I am sure god will bless you with a deserving person in his own time. Chin up until than okay.
Tammy(onetay)
 
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