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I’ve been seeing an incredible woman, whom I met online. She has Lupus and disclosed this to me before we met. Since we first met, we regularly hung out every weekend I was available. For the first month I visited every weekend and sometimes during the week.

Due to complications with her getting sick, going on steroids and then other external issues (family visiting) we’ve missed the last 2 weeks of being together. We still talk everyday but I feel as though it’s hard to schedule a time to visit her. She also has anxiety and depression and it really adds to the pressure of us hanging out. It’s hard not to take it personal, but I trust and love her so I really truly want to believe that there isn’t anything else going on, and her not ready for us to be together /meet up is entirely because of her health. Which she assures me that is all.

On top of everything else, she has an ex-bf who is still trying to get back with her. I know this should be a red flag but she told me about him prior to us getting together and assured me she has no intentions of being with him. He cheated on her and he also made her feel guilty about Lupus, and made her feel as though her being “sick all the time” was something she should feel wrong or guilty about. (It’s really painful for me hearing how she was treated and knowing she still feels guilty about her condition - it’s affected her so much she can’t help but want to push away and believes I deserve better).

I really love this woman, and just want her to be happy. It pains me that we haven’t been able to spend time together (in person) for over 2 weeks and this weekend will mark the 3rd if we aren’t able to hang out. I don’t want to make her feel anymore guilty about it, especially if us not being able to hangout is related to Lupus, her anxiety and/or depression as these are things she can’t control.

I just want to do right by her and would love some sound advice from anyone who can relate.
 

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Hello and welcome... I love the honesty of your relationship from the start and think that is a huge hurdle for your girlfriend and yourself to jump. I am wondering how well controlled her Lupus is, if it is affecting her social life /pleasure etc to that extent it may be worth her going back to her Rheumy and letting them know how it is affecting her and her ability to live her life. I wonder if her meds may need to be reviewed and tweaked a bit ?

It can help to keep a daily diary of symptoms and pain grade them 0-10 describing what they stop you doing .... ie socialising, blow drying hair, peeling potatoes, lifting heavy shopping etc...it helps paint a picture of what is happening as often when we see the Drs we look gorgeous !!!! and even they struggle to understand how sick you are feeling. She should take photos of anything visible like swelling, rashes, discolourations etc.

She sounds as if she has been upfront with you....so it may be helpful if you can gently ask what you could do to help her get some fun and relaxation.
Take care..............Claire
 
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