[SingleGirl]

So, I finally like someone again... it's been years since I've considered a long term relationship. It just so happens that this guy has a congenital heart defect & shared that his cardiologists don't expect him to live past 60.

Intellectually, I know this is a horrible choice. I literally NEED someone who can help take care of me. How can I prove a reliable mate for someone facing heart surgery and possibly worse??? At the same time, how could I dare set such a double standard... that I want to be cared for but not care for a spouse.

I never thought I'd face this... but I really click w/him in a safe way... a healthy way. I like it... I've been through a lot of guys in my 29 years on earth and this one just feels good. I'm just worried about whether or not we are setting ourselves up for a failboat cruise.

We are both college educated but both work in low paying fields with high loan debt... he wants to transition careers and what if there's a lull and he loses insurance? I've never had regular insurance and I have horrible credit due to med debt.....

Just, intellectually, it's a HORRIBLE match...

Any advisement on people with lupus in relationships w/others with chronic health problems would help...

thanks

 

[Katharine]

Hi there,

I kind of understand your intellectual vs heart dilemma. I mean, I do see your point. On the other hand, life can't be planned. So many things can happen in so many ways.

When I was 14 I was in a good school - was doing well - planned good studies - my parents were quite well off and basically life seemed "mapped out". Then, from one day to the next (for reasons I won't go into) my parents basically lost everything. When I say everything I do really mean that. We were pretty much homeless for a while - had no money whatsoever and stayed with relatives. I ended up leaving school and starting work in racing stables (so pretty hard). I wasn't actualy paid to start with but was happy to have somewhere to stay, something to eat and to gain in work experience. I worked seven days a week, often 12 or more hours a day. Nothing to do with our "plan".

Since then, things have changed a lot. I have always survived and I have always enjoyed life. I have since managed to give myself some sort of more academic education and now work as a translator.

What I'm saying is that things can go better for you both. You may also find that treatment wise things change for both of you.

Of course, things can go badly too - as they can for any of us. Just think. When I was healthy I was driving 1000km a week on busy roads (right now hubby does 2000). I saw so many accidents that had "just happened" - it could have been me - It just wasn't!

Obviously the insurance thing is worrying - we're not familiar with such a system here in Belgium, nor in the UK and if there is any way that you can work that out I would (independantly of your partner).

Really, at the end of the day, I'd say that your heart will win out over the practical side. And hey, if he's honest enough to tell you about his problems, it's a good sign. Would you be better off with someone rich who lies to you all the time and might decide he's bored with you after a few years and needs a "newer model"?

just a few, random, rambling thoughts,
Katharine

 

[SingleGirl]

thank you Katharine. Not just for your encouragement but for sharing your story too!

I'm sorry your family went through that but it really sounds like such an interesting experience. Almost like a children's storybook... especially the part working around horses.

I appreciate your perspective on how anything could happen... I do know healthy couples where one partner was taken early... I gotta just relax and go with this...

Thanks again for talking, it helps to have someone's opinion who understands the challenges of this illness.

 

[Katharine]

Ah yes, our family was never boring - that is certainly true!!

I have been told many times that I should write a book (it was even more interesting before that episode) but I haven't really known where to start. However my Dad passing away recently brought back so many memories that we all talked about and it has encouraged me to think about that some more

Katharine

 

[Nutty]

This reminds me of a saying...I may not have it 100% right..

"better to have loved and lossed than not to have loved at all"

I guess there are no guarntees in life. We could walk outside and get hit by a bus... Or, as technology and modern medicine continues to awe us with what they can do...he might live to 70 or 80 years old.

I had a brother die at 23 and my sister at 43 and I've been close to death a few times...so I can understand your worries...but I would be inclined to recommend that you "go for it" , but I'm not a professional...I'm just basing this on my own experiences.

Good luck.

Annette

 

[Mary Ann 47]

Hi Singlegirl,
I agree with Katharine and Annette. It reminds me of an old saying too "Never look a gift horse in the mouth." If this man stands before you with an open and honest heart, just go for it.
Let's face it, we are all here on borrowed time... Don't over analyze it, just go with the flow. Some people never experience what you have in front of you.
Good Luck,
Mary Ann

P.S. Katherine, I would read your book.:lol: