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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,
Lately i have been going for tests and dental and then my mom with hospital emergency.

I can't handle her expectations on me. I don't know if i am right or wrong on this. But i feel i am not treated in a respectful way.

She is so involved in what is going on with my brother in south carolina. He is through his divorce. And since he is losing his house he bought a trailer to put on property he owns. He has been sharing all this with my mom even when she was in the hospital. Till now with furniture and all his things going on there. Mean while , mom is still weak. She hasn't given me an answer on the medic alert. She is scheduled for a cat scan on the nodule on her lung. She was so upset that they are sending her for this, it's just routine check for comparison. Her physically therapy hasn't started yet which she needs.

And here is the best, she wants me and my fianc'e to fly with her to south carolina to see my brother's new home. !!!! She wants to ask her doctor if she can go. I am cooking,cleaning,shopping and laundry and dealing with her whining. Going through my own things,mentally,physically and emotionally.
I told her that i would have to ask my therapist if she thinks i would be able to handle it. And see how my MRI comes out,plus all my dental appts.
Do you think for one minute she would understand that she is putting pressure on me. I suggested that she pay for my brother to fly here and get her and then fly back with her and stay a couple of days. Seems like this afternoon she was a bit spiteful to me after that conversation. Cause i asked her if she wanted me to start dinner, she said no it's really not that time cause of the hour ahead that we set the clocks. So i took a clonzipan and layed down on my bed. When my fianc'e called she said i was in the bathroom . So he said in respect of dinner that if i want to start dinner he is on his way home. Do you know how she called me. She blew the fog horn to tell me this. Which alarmed me cause it's only for emergencies.
I cannot tolerate this child minded selfish mother of mine. She is making me sick. I am tired of going out of my way for her and getting nothing in return as far as appreciation or understanding.
My fianc'e has to work tuesday and i have to go for an mri by myself for 2 hrs. I need to keep up with myself and try to have some sort of life. Is she losing her mind or am i losing mine?
I even went to the cemetary today to put spring flowers by my father and brother's plot. I had to get rid of the x-mas one's , it was bothering me. I felt that someone has to show them respect and keep up with my loved ones. It was not easy for me but it is done. I cried and spoke to each one as me and my fianc'e put new things up. It left me gloomy coming home. My mom new i did this and how can she not realize my feelings when i came back. But to later bother me on going to south carolina.

Thanks for listening to me and letting me share my personall life with you.
Florie
 

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11,409 Posts
(((Florie))))

My goodness you certainly have a plateful.
Have you had a talk to your mom telling her how this is all stressing you out? There is a saying "if you act like a child then you will be treated like a child, act like an adult you will be treated like an adult. Your mom sounds like a child.

Maybe you should check in some home health care to come to your house, then you could also get respite with them. Why is your mom living with you? Could you check out assisted living or a nursing home? Send her to live with your brother?

Sometimes the child has to take over and do what you think is best for your mom.

I hope things turn around for you.
:flowery:
Lyn
 

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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
She will never go into a nursing home again. She has bad thoughts from the last time she was there.

she has a nurse that comes to the house. And the nurse knows what it is like for me with her. Mom says she can't live with my brother cause he works and wants his privacy. I will talk to her nurse so she can call her doctor and find out if she is ready for hospice. As much as i worry and love my mom it is just to much. This way she has is complicated to explain. She is very lonely and i cannot be her entertainer as well as her care taker. I have gone beyond my limits. I would never put this on my daughters. I always put myself last. I know no other way.
Thank you for your feed back Lyn.
hugs , florie
 

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The Other Illinois Tammy
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1,193 Posts
Florie,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I think the time has come to let you mom know that you can no longer take all of this. I think that it is time to start looking into a skilled care home close to you. You can still see here and take care of yourself. I know that this is a very hard thing to do but when they won't help themselves and start infringing on your health it is time to do something for both of you. You have to do something I call snap her to reality. I am not sure what her medical problems are but there is no reason for not respecting you in your home. She has to know what she is doing to you and the think is as long as you allow her to continue she will. If your brother wants here to come out there you are right he should come and get her and fly out with here. Flying for most people without lupus get jet lag and with lupus it is even worse. You have your appointments and health that you have to keep up with. I know that you love your mom and your brother but they have to realize that you are sick and can not just jump when they need you to do whatever it is they need. You are adult and should be treated as one. You have many things that you can do it is just finding the one you can live with. Search your soul the answer it there, you know what you have to do. Good luck and let us know how it is going. I hope you feel better soon.
 

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Hi Florie,

I am very sorry, your dealing with so much stress. Can you get someone, to come into your home, and relieve you, with her care? Maybe a home nurse
could recommend someone that could come and spend some one on one time with your mother.

Some people give time to hospice, to read to paients, or take them on errands.

It sounds, like you are overdo for a break. Is there a way, for you to get away, for a bit with your fiancee?

You need your rest, or your own health with suffer. Don't let yourself, or her make you feel guilty for protecting yourself, both physically, and mentally.

I hope you feel better soon, Florie.

Love,
Sandy
 

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Pollianna
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485 Posts
Aww Florie, I am so sorry you aren't getting the respect you deserve from your mom. I am in a similar situation with my daughter and know how others can overwhelm you with their demands and then if we don't/or can't concede, overwhelm us with their emotions.

I think it's so hard when the person testing your boundaries is someone you love so much and want to help. It can lead to guit if we don't do everything they "need" but if you let her know you love her inspite of the fact you can't do everyhting she demands then you are doing the very best that you can. You can do no more than that Florie

You need support in looking after your mom, you sound as if your about past the limit at what you can take and she just isn't realising. I would stand my ground and do what I feel is best.

Hope things ease up for you soon xxP
 

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hi florie

i feel so bad for you. to need a caregiver yourself but to be one for someone else...oh my gosh, you must be completely exhausted.
my mom use to be a piece of work. my sister had ms and everything revolved are her. my mom also thought i was just a hateful person, selfish, you get the picture. well one day while she was visiting and critizing me we had a come to jesus meeting. long story short i told her to pack her stuff and go back to florida or go to my sisters house. we didn't speak for 2yrs until she really needed me. now i'm her baby, she can't do enough for me...she still drives me batty but she now respects me more. hopefully you won't get to that point. as others have said try talking more with her, maybe if had done that i wouldn't have blasted my mom.
you're a good daughter but put your needs first as you can't help her if you are drained and ill yourself

feel better :foryou:
hug and kisses
 

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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You are all so right in what you say. I had set some goals for myself but suddenly it's begining to fall apart. I guess after a while you start to loose interest in doing for yourself. But, I have to just keep getting the support I need and be the boss. I couldn't put her in some place cause i know it would make me even worse with guilt.
I am so glad you all agree that my brother should come and get her.
we do have a nurse that comes 3 days a week. And soon she will start her home physical therapy. That should give her some attention and possibly get her motivated with some attention.
The nurse said that she can go anytime(pass away). Maybe the most she has left is 2yrs. I am so weak to talking to her because of her negative thoughts. When it finally builds up then i let her have it. I can be pushed so far till i bite someone's head off. I am trying to be patient but sometimes there is no such thing of it. Everyone knows in the family how ill i am too. But they are living their life. If they come to visit its just a couple of hours.

I know I should be looking out for myself and my health, you are all right . If i see she is getting worse then i will have to make a decision.
I will let you know how all is coming along.
Thanks for the support. Hugs to all of you.....Florie
 

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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Finally.....
Tomorrow my mom will get signed up for home physical therapy. That means she will not be sitting on the sofa and making herself crazy thinking of things.
This will give her attention and motivation.

My therapist called me today. I explained it all to her. She said it's my decision if i want to go to S.C. I told her i didn't and she said then you dont go. she says my mom's ways will never change and i just need to take care of myself. She gave me satisfaction along with no guilt. And yes she said me and my fiance need a get away ourselves. That will be worked on in the very near future.
Oh , I cancelled my MRI for tomorrow. My doctor feels that all of my problems are besides the tmj, but the stress and depression from caring for my mom. Nothing really showed in the regular exrays so why put myself through 2 hrs of stress and going by myself.

hugs , florie
 

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Hi Florie,

OK, now I know what SC is so ignore the pm I sent you. I agree with your therapist that you need to do what makes you happy. Your mom is a mirror image of my mom in many ways. They think we are Superwoman and since you cant always see auto immune diseases they tend to forget very easily or maybe they just live in denial.

I am sorry your going through all of this but I can tell you that 4 years ago I was in the same place you are now and it was a turning point in my life. I decided that I was NOT going to allow my mom to dictate to me any longer.

Guess what, we are still friends and she has more respect for me now that I dont take her crap anymore. Put your foot down and get away with your mate for a long deserved get a way vacation.

Wanna come to Jersey?:lol:
 

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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I wanna go somewhere. Soon... but right now to much is going on. It's gonna have to be in the very near future though. Karol. Maybe i will come to jersery. I love the jersery shore and the board walk. It's been years since i was there. My fianc'e wants to go to Vegas... I have to feel well for that trip. That is a long flight and with my neck and ear problems right now , well i will have to just pace myself and then make plans.

Thanks for understanding and i already e-mailed you on that question.

Hope all is well here with all my friends. Hugs to all of you.
Florie
 

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(((Florie)))

Your therapist sounds like a very wise woman!!!
Please do not feel guilty over not going to SC, You need to start putting your health first.
Even if you don't feel up to a vacation right now, there is nothing to stop you planning one for the future. I am currently planning a trip to peru, I have no idea when i will make it there but it sure is fun researching all the places I am intending to visit.

I hope things start to get better soon.
Take care
Elle x
 

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florie
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589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Elle-co thank you for your support. The thing is i don't want to go to south carolina. I need quality time with my fianc'e. Taking my mom there will be no vacation for me. It's to risky and she is not well enough to travel. If my brother would send her photo's of his new home , i am sure she will be happy with that.

I have a full plate with caring for mom,the house,the cooking,the appointments and so on. I need me time with my fianc'e. I already told my brother that when this house stuff is all done that me and hubby need to get away it's only fair.

I have been so agitated lately, and telling people that they do not make appts. for my mom. I am in charge and the appointments will be set by me.I know what time and day is good for her. I have been putting up with these doctor's offices and have put my foot down now. My therapist was very proud of me.
hope you are doing well and thanks so much for your kindness.
Hugs, florie
 
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