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Hi All,

I am feeling so very sad and depressed today. My partner (who is supportive and helpful), and I had been fighting and I broke off our 8yr relationship with him cause I don't feel protected by him. Back in March he allowed my sister to stand in our home and critisize me and mock me. I asked him to remove her from the premises but he just stood there allowing her to verbally abuse me. But lately he has been taking care of everything being really supportive. I have told him that i can't be with someone that I can't forgive and feel protected, but he is still continuing to try and help me. Lately I've been having bad panic attacks and he is there helping me through it. But my concern is that with everything that has been going on he has found his way back to he bedroom that i had kicked him out of. He holds me on the couch running hisd fingers through my hair and although i am loving it I am hating it.
I want to and need to feel that I am protected. I am so comfused cause I want to be with him (he is the father to our child) but I also don't want to be with him. There are moments where i just look at him and think to myself how much i love him and then there are moments where I feel discusted when i look at him.
Today I am so depressed, I am scared.
I am in the process of being dianosed with some type of Lupus as the doc/specialist says.
Pls someone offer me some kind of advise - is this normal to push away your loved ones and to feel so down in the dumps.
 

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Hi Salz,
I've been marride for 20 yrs, i love my hubbie, but at times i DO NOT WANT HIM ANY WHERE NEAR ME.
I really think it is the lupus that does it to us, we are tired, exhausted & feeling so sick we don't want them around us.
It's not that we dont want to, it's because we can't.
Do you understand what i'm saying.
I hear you.
Sand....
 

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Pamela b
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Oh Salz

So sorry, but do agree it is this rotten desease that means we have so many odd emotions.
I have been married for over 30 years and this week we have argued all week and I told him to leave ( he didnt ). I hate him just now and as he said I do snap a lot and refuse to back down .
I know my moods vary according to how ill I fell and are worse when my condition is worse and I am worried about what is happening to me.

Is it possible to sit down and talk it through ?
I think the hard thing is when you feel you are not getting the support you need and as only we know how bad things are no one really does understand try as they do.

I am sorry that you are having a rottent ime but please try ( as I will ) to talk about it. Explain how bad you felt about what his sister said to you and make him see your point of view.
Hang in there and give it time

Pam
 

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Hello there,

Relationships can be hard at the best of times but when you are also dealing with a chronic disease it can make it ten times worse.

I think that we all tend to push loved ones away when flaring as we just have this desire to be alone and hide but I'm not sure that's really what you're talking about here. We are also sometimes so exhausted that we just can't think straight and really can't cope with whether we should or shouldn't do something.

I read an article recently that talked about learning to focus on positives in relationships and not only on negatives - I'm explaining that badly but they were basically saying that a lot of us will start to find fault and then focus terribly on those problems while never seeing the good bits.
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2009/0721/1224250990592.html

It's hard to say what you should do as we don't know your history and also we're not professionals in this domain - all just stumbling along as best we can... I think that the idea of talking out what hurt you and why is a good one and see how he reacts. You know your partner better than anyone but I'm not so sure that him wanting a way back into the bedroom is all bad so long as it is also at times when you're OK with that. On the other hand, I'm presuming tht you had a very good reason to end the relationship and maybe there are underlying things that were making you unhapy for some time but that hadn't been voiced.

There's a lot of people here who would say how much their disease has changed their relationships and how they've been through very tough times and there are some who have suddenly found themselves with partners that can't cope and "ignore" what's going on or become verbally abusive and totally uninterested in them as a person and a woman. There are also a lot of people here who have been through a journey of acceptance for themselves and their partners and who have come out stronger with very supportive loving relationships.

A very nice song on a relationship that went through tough times is one by Imelda May called "falling in love with you again" which is about her relationship with her husband - she said in an interview that many of us go through falling out of love or problems and some are lucky to be able to fall in love again.

huge hugs :grouphug2: I hope things look brighter today,

Katharine
 

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They say love and hate are very closely linked... there are times I hate my husband of 25 yrs enough to plan on how I would spend his life insurance!!;) but there are more times... many more, that I just burst with so much love and respect that I have for him and am horrified that I could have thought ill of him!!... there are always ups and downs, when things are down try and rebalance your thoughts by doing a mental 'pro and con' list.. hopefully there will be many more on the 'pro' part. I really love my husband with an intensity that is breathtaking... when I dislike him, thats intense too!!:lol:.. guess I just know after all this time it is normal, for us anyway!! The disease just throws another ingredient into the mix... we have been through lots, loss of a child to cot death, loss of our home, bankrupcy, difficult relatives etc etc and we are still here.. so guess we will plod through Lupus together too, though it is a learning curve for both of us and we will make mistakes.. as will you and your partner.. as long as you learn from them and move on, you will be on the same road..together. You are the only one that can know how truly you feel, but if you are in the middle of diagnosis, that will have a major effect..so take your time to unravel all those thoughts and feelings... and be kind to yourself...take care.
Claire XX
 
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