My dx came after I realized I was horribly depressed five years ago. It was horrid to wake up one morning and find all my thoughts turning to suicide. That's just not me. I have never suffered true depression. I take Paxil for anxiety disorder but never that kind of deep and dark depression.
Now the tough part and a question for you guys.... Sometimes -- usually in a flare -- I am overcome with the most intense self-loathing you can imagine. I genuinely hate myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I hate my body, hate this disease, feel like a shirker. During these times I begin to believe that nothing is wrong with me, I'm just making myself sick to avoid work or whatever.
I know everybody feels bad about themselves sometimes. But I tend to have a pretty healthy ego. I'm a Leo, and although I know I'm not perfect, I will tell you that I'm pretty darned good.
Except when these waves of hatred for myself set in. I can't afford therapy. My insurance doesn't cover it. And even when I ponied up the fee out of pocket, the therapist didn't really understand what I was talking about.
This is intense and specific and very scary because I think it drives people from me.
Do any of you relate to this at all? Should I just go ask dr. for depression meds? It doesn't feel like when I was depressed before. It just feels ugly to hate myself so much. And I can't make it go away. Yes, it passes eventually, but the bouts are coming closer together and leave lingering misery between full onslaughts.
Ok, I just reread this post and I sound like a raving maniac. Maybe I am. But I can't really talk about this to my husband.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm really tired. My breathing isn't perfect and I finished my antibiotics today. My reflux is raging so I can't really lie down comfortably. I have this horrible, bitter taste in my mouth all the time. Yes, I'm miserable and definitely not good company.
Thank goodness I can say all this here.
Hugs and love to you all,
Sunny
Now the tough part and a question for you guys.... Sometimes -- usually in a flare -- I am overcome with the most intense self-loathing you can imagine. I genuinely hate myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I hate my body, hate this disease, feel like a shirker. During these times I begin to believe that nothing is wrong with me, I'm just making myself sick to avoid work or whatever.
I know everybody feels bad about themselves sometimes. But I tend to have a pretty healthy ego. I'm a Leo, and although I know I'm not perfect, I will tell you that I'm pretty darned good.
Except when these waves of hatred for myself set in. I can't afford therapy. My insurance doesn't cover it. And even when I ponied up the fee out of pocket, the therapist didn't really understand what I was talking about.
This is intense and specific and very scary because I think it drives people from me.
Do any of you relate to this at all? Should I just go ask dr. for depression meds? It doesn't feel like when I was depressed before. It just feels ugly to hate myself so much. And I can't make it go away. Yes, it passes eventually, but the bouts are coming closer together and leave lingering misery between full onslaughts.
Ok, I just reread this post and I sound like a raving maniac. Maybe I am. But I can't really talk about this to my husband.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm really tired. My breathing isn't perfect and I finished my antibiotics today. My reflux is raging so I can't really lie down comfortably. I have this horrible, bitter taste in my mouth all the time. Yes, I'm miserable and definitely not good company.
Thank goodness I can say all this here.
Hugs and love to you all,
Sunny