[confused1]

My dx came after I realized I was horribly depressed five years ago. It was horrid to wake up one morning and find all my thoughts turning to suicide. That's just not me. I have never suffered true depression. I take Paxil for anxiety disorder but never that kind of deep and dark depression.

Now the tough part and a question for you guys.... Sometimes -- usually in a flare -- I am overcome with the most intense self-loathing you can imagine. I genuinely hate myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I hate my body, hate this disease, feel like a shirker. During these times I begin to believe that nothing is wrong with me, I'm just making myself sick to avoid work or whatever.

I know everybody feels bad about themselves sometimes. But I tend to have a pretty healthy ego. I'm a Leo, and although I know I'm not perfect, I will tell you that I'm pretty darned good.

Except when these waves of hatred for myself set in. I can't afford therapy. My insurance doesn't cover it. And even when I ponied up the fee out of pocket, the therapist didn't really understand what I was talking about.

This is intense and specific and very scary because I think it drives people from me.

Do any of you relate to this at all? Should I just go ask dr. for depression meds? It doesn't feel like when I was depressed before. It just feels ugly to hate myself so much. And I can't make it go away. Yes, it passes eventually, but the bouts are coming closer together and leave lingering misery between full onslaughts.

Ok, I just reread this post and I sound like a raving maniac. Maybe I am. But I can't really talk about this to my husband.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm really tired. My breathing isn't perfect and I finished my antibiotics today. My reflux is raging so I can't really lie down comfortably. I have this horrible, bitter taste in my mouth all the time. Yes, I'm miserable and definitely not good company.

Thank goodness I can say all this here.

Hugs and love to you all,
Sunny

 

[Raglet]

As you take paxil (paroxetine), you are already on an antidepressant. Paxil has an anti anxiety aspect to it, so it is often prescribed for anxiety disorders. But it also treats general depression.

It may be that you need to be on a higher dose of paxil to get on top of the depression, or you may need to swap on to another antidepressant. Paxil is one of the antidepressants that can be tricky to withdraw from, so if you do swap on to another one you need to follow your doctors directions very carefully.

It is possible that the flare is directly causing the bouts of suicidal depression, in which case prednisone could be helpful. But either which way, it makes sense to look first to you antidepressant seeing you are already on it and see if you can prevent it that way.

Sounds like you need to talk to your rheumie about this, and probably a psychiatrist as well.

hth

raglet

 

[Gwennie]

Snap!

Hi there,
Sorry to hear ur in so much pain just now,maybe knowing you are not going mad will help a little.
Reading your post was like reading all about myself.Ill try and keep it brief so here goes............
My route to diagnosis has not been a smooth one,since the birth of my first child 7 years ago i was told that i had been suffering from post natal depression which was left untreated and had become more serious!!!!
Even though i had been complaining of other symptoms i was told it was all in my head and that it was all down to depression.
After 5 years trying various anti-depressants i was defiant and determined to get to the bottom of it.
I now know that the whole being in pain everyday,and the inability to work was totally messing with my head,being such a hard worker previously i simply couldn't comprehend why after having a baby i couldn't go back to fuctioning like a "normal" person.
I now firmly belive that child birth enhanced/triggered the Lupus symptoms in me.
I also go through periods of real self-loathing,hatred and disgust at myself and reading your post has made me realise that it is most likely a hormonal thing.I am so glad u have mentioned this because i was beginning to think i had some sort of "part time" body dysmorphia.I say part time because on occasion i can look in the mirror and think "your not that bad today".
To the other extreme i too have had suicidal thoughts,which as a mother of two is very frightening.
I also go through periods of being outgoing and then very reclusive and push people away.To those true friends i have had to explain that when i go "into one" they have not to take it personally and that it is just me and this illness.
I did see a CPN for a while but didn't feel all that great for doing so,i am just learning to cope with it and regonising when it rears its ugly head is half the battle.
During that time we should really be more gentle with ourselves,take more care of ourselves n try to relax and let the feelings pass.Easier said than done i know.Maybe some support from your husband is just what you need.
I now that when i go "into one" my hubby is always more attentive and gentle with me as he sees first hand my vulnerability.
On the other hand maybe some medication is needed for you to regulate the bouts.
Whatever you decide,i am always here if u want to chat n get things off your chest unless ofcourse i am "into one" aswell. hehe
Take care,n keep ur chin up,
We will get through this,a problem shared is a problem solved.
Loads of hugs,Gwennie xxx

 

[Flibble63]

I can absolutely relate to the self-loathing feeling. I had just recently gotten out of the hospital after being very ill and I just kept thinking what a waste of space I am. This feeling happens every time I get sick. I think it is because we are judged in society by our ability to do and contribute monetarily that when we feel like we aren't at the top of our game or even in the game we are worthless. At least that is my diagnosis of my self-loathing feelings. Feel better.
Laura

 

[pennylp]

Hi There,


My heart goes out to you... It must be very hard for you... And also to all that wrote that are going through the same thing as you are...
Obviously this has something to do with dealing with a very chronic desease and maybe Paxil is not the right med for you... I know what works for one doesn't work for the next ...
I would copy the letter you wrote, it is so heartfelt , not crazy... and show this to your doctor and I am sure he or she will give you something to make you feel better....
We are here for you all the time and anytime you feel like venting just let us know and we will be here to tell you how wonderful you are...

Here is a big (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) from one lupie to another... Take care

Lots of love

Penny

 

[LolaLola]

I have CNS involvement and find my brain does very funny things during a flare.
As somebody already said steroids can be a good help if a flare does this to you.
I am thinking of you as you obviously suffer badly.
x Lola

 

[flutterbye]

((((((Hugs Sunny)))))))

It is horrible, and like others I can relate to what you say.

I would think the key to treating this awful depression is whether it is directly caused by the lupus flaring, or whether it is indirect, because I think that what helkps is different depending on the origin of it.

For me, after a long time we (that is my consultants/doc and myself and hubby) have decided that my spells the really severe stuff which is similar to what you talk about, and the very disorganised, insane thinking, sometimes with pychosis is directly caused by lupus and can be sorted by buckets of steroids. Antidepressants never helped me much, but the steroids work a treat.

I think it is something that you need to talk to your doc/specialist about, maybe a change of antideppresant, or change of dose, to try out whether it will help.

I think the stuff that affects the brain, whether it is directly caused by disease activity or an indirect result of being ill, is really hard to deal with, and hard to talk about, know that you are not alone, and can let what you feel out here.

Love and hugs, and hoping for better days ahead. xx

 

[SharonMV]

Hi,
I have some neuropsychiatric problems from my Lupus. Often at the beginning of a flare I get depressed and emotional or have anxiety. If I'm in a bad flare I sometimes feel very depressed for no reason at all. You should see if your insurance will cover a psychiatrist. Not for therapy but for evaluation & supervision of medication. This is often covered as a medical expense.

Sharon