[Meryl2]

Hi
Don't know if I am posting this in the right place, but I feel as though everything is falling apart.
Sat for most of the day yesterday crying,(its a good job I am in an office on my own) got home from work to be met by my 18year old college student daughter who didn't let me get through the door before asking " whats for tea " this was the last straw, had felt rotten all day and we ended up having words, she packed her bags and left, my husband didn't know which way to turn when he got in from work and he tried to speak to her, but all she kept saying was "she was in the way". Don't know where she is and don't know if she will be back this evening.
Can't understand why I am feeling like this, have had trouble with depression, but I am on Fluoxetine and thought I was coping ok.
Went to Hospital Monday just gone for them to show me how to inject methotrexate, they also doubled my dose so don't know if this has any bearing on the way I feel now, can methotrexate make you feel like this because the dose has been doubled? I don't know whats happening.
Went to bed at 6pm last night after all the upset, but even though I had on my dressing gown, big fluffy socks and a wheat bag, I was still freezing cold.
I just hope my daughter comes back home today.
Sorry for the moan, but don't know which way to turn at the moment and hubby is worried sick.

Hugs to you all
Love
Meryl

 

[Clare.T]

Oh dear ((((((((((((((( Meryl )))))))))))))) how distressing for you and your husband.
As regards the methotrexate, I dont know how the injected dose compares with the oral dose or if it has the same side effects as the oral meds. It would be a good idea to take it at the weekend I expect so you can have an 'off' day if need be.
I can entirely understand how upset you are by your daughter walking out having one myself, older now but the memories are fresh. Of course you want to be on good terms with her and no doubt blame yourself for anything that goes wrong.
But, but, but .......... you wrote

18 year old college student daughter who didn't let me get through the door before asking " whats for tea "

So, she's an 18yr old adult, who would call herself responsible and independent, but living at home and off you no doubt, presumably doing pretty well what she pleases as regards going out and all that, and she treats her working, sick mother like this?

You know however painful this is right now, it could be the best thing that ever happened. Do not, please, whatever you do start blaming yourself, either for this event or what you imagine you might have done in the past to cause such monumentally bad behaviour. It doesn't matter how you got there. In my opinion kids turn out how they turn out and no amount of good caring self sacrificial parenting can necessarily make much difference.

Don't give in to a form of emotional blackmail. Let her sweat it out and let her back on your own terms that will include her doing her share of the housework, shopping and meal preparation.

I get very cold when I am deeply upset and shocked.


Many hugs
Clare

 

[Primrose1960]

Hi Meryl,

I have two daughters now aged 20 and 21 and know just how selfish they can be even though I love them to bits I know that there is a limitation to their understanding and empathy with my tiredness or complaining after I have done a full days work and then come home to grown up adults who at this stage should be able to look after themselves but go for the easy option of just letting me do everything, which I do most of the time, after all I am their Mother.

But somedays when I cant cope I throw a hissy fit and they run for cover.

Because you are the Mum and have always been strong It is hard for your daughter to grow up and be mature enough to help you.

Im sure that when she calms down she will be back when she cools down and Im sure she is safe if she is like my daughters she will have friends to go to who will look after her.

Have you tried sitting down and explaining your health issues with your daughter and family?

I know how you feel, I have shed many a tear over my daughters they can be hurtfull at times, but try not to get yourself into a state, you need to look after yourself first then everyone else comes after you.

Please let us know when she gets back, which Im sure will be soon.:hugbetter:

Primrose

 

[Peapods]

Hi Meryl

I am sending you loads of hugs too and agreeing with what the others said about not letting teenage behaviour manipulate you. I have been in a similar place (I have 2 daughters) and know how hard it is. When you are tired and depressed for whatever reason (dont know anything about the meds) you can lose the ability to step back and look at whats going on.

Sounds like your daughter has just had a hissy fit, as they do, and stormed off thinking that she has every right to do so. But try not to worry, as the others said, at 18 she will have her own social network capable of providing her with a bed and breakfast, so i wouldnt worry too much on that count. I am certain she will soon be back!!

It is true that Lupus effects everyone in the family and I am sure your daughter is angry because you are sick. Probably everyone you know is angry cos your sick but at 18 its not quite as easy to deal with. I agree that a family conference is a good idea. Take time to talk and most important - to listen. But that applies to all of you - not just you.

But at the end of the day this is normal teenage behaviour so dont put it all down to Lupus! My experience of 18 year olds is that housework, cooking, etc is not on their curriculem - whether Mum is sick or not. But with a little negotiating you should find a way to meet in the middle somewhere!!

Bless the little darlings!

Hope you are feeling a little calmer now. Do you have someone to talk this through with? Be kind to yourself. Have some chocolate. :wink2:

I am sure you will work this out between you. She probably just needed to vent - like we do!!

 

[JudifJ]

Hi Meryl

Sending you (((((hugs))))). Tho' I can't add much more to what the others have said but to let you know that I understand what you've been going through. I have three daughters a bit younger than yours but they presume that Mum can do everything for them. I do throw hissy fits and so do they. We try to be as honest with one another as we possibly can and talk things through. It might not be the same day or even the same week but we do talk and try to get to the bottom of a situation. Yes, teenagers can be lazy, useless so-and-sos (husbands too ) but they can surprise you with all sorts of things.

Above all, your sickness is not your fault and our offspring (and husbands) should know that. I am sure your daughter will come round once she has calmed down: mine do.

I'm sorry I cannot advise on medications as I don't have experience of either but I have had side effects with other drugs and I know that anxiety and depression can manifest in some.

I hope you can have a family conference and air all concerns.

Thinking of you

Love Judi xx

 

[Meryl2]

Came back, but went again.

Hi all,
I want to thank you all for your messages of support, I really do appreciate them, it is good to know that you are all there caring.
I went straight to bed when I returned from work last night, but my husband told me this morning that daughter did return home last night to pick up something that she needed for college and he sat her down and explained a few things to her, he said that he didn't get the usual grrs and umphs and she did seem to listen, he told her that it wasn't a Hotel, she didn't get maid service and that mum isn't a cash dispenser. Hubby is under the impression from what she has said to him that she is sticking her head in the sand in the hope that it will go away (if only). Anyway the upshot is that she has gone to stay with friends for a few days until things calm down, but I have also woken to the fact that although I love her dearly, enough is enough, she is adult now. I will always be there for her but she must start to pull her weight. I don't ask for a lot, but it would be nice once in a while for her to say "how are you Mum".
I got out of bed this morning with a bit more fighting spirit and don't feel as weepy, perhaps it was the effect of the double dose of methotrexate, I don't know, but if it is that I will find out next week when I take it again.
Once again, THANK YOU ALL
Gentle hugs
Love
Meryl

 

[Peapods]

Hi Meryl

Well am so pleased that you are feeling a bit better this morning, and pleased that hubby was able to talk with your daughter. Sounds like hubby is a bit of a diamond!

Situation with your daughter sounds very healthy and normal, although painful and difficult. She is going through her own growing up stuff and that is often hard for parents to deal with even when you are 100% healthy.

Lupus can mess things up in relationships and its hard to keep on top of it, as well as deal with the disease itself!

Ahhhh.... I have such memories!!

Sending more hugs . . . . and please take care of yourself. I know I used to spend so much energy worrying about my kids that I would forget me!

 

[LolaLola]

Dear Meryl, I have a 20 year old who cooks for himself and also buys quite a bit of his food. My 17 year old has Lupus too, so we do cook for her,but she can get by if not.
To be honest we leave the toaster out and plenty of bread,so they need never get too starving, there is always something for a snack. Some people do get very ratty when hungry,but there is no excuse for them not getting at least some toast.

My children are not bad, but we have had our ups and downs too. and as for treating you like a Cash Dispenser, oh boy,it never stops!
x Lola

 

[mpederse]

I can so relate to what has been going on with you. My daughter - 18 yr also sometimes treats me like her servant - very hard. Then add Lupus and not feeling good and it is too much. I realized this week while at ER with my husband at my side, that Lupus effects everyone in the house - not just the one who is sick. Hard to remember that when you feel yucky. It is a family disease and adult kids need to learn that they can and should take care of themselves, and on occasion ask how their mom is. Nice your hubby spoke to her. I do believe Lupus teaches kids some tough life lessons - take care of the good days, everyone needs to help at times, and that life is precious and fragile! Hugs and comfort:bigsmile:

 

[Nutty]

I have two daughters as well; however, they are a bit younger (12 and 14). They both deal with my illness differently. My 14 yo tends to hold it in and is sympathethic for the most part (there is still some "me, me" in her, but not too bad). My 12 yo however is in complete denial. She does talk about it a bit, but denial works for her. She is a very strong and demanding child. When I'm my sickest, she seems to turn it up. How my illness is ruining her life, I'm the worst mother in the world...you get the picture. This is the same daughter though who can't sleep at night unless she gives me a hug. So, I know she loves me, but she just can't handle Mom being weak. Your daughter is older, but it could be the same idea. They don't know how to handle their emotions, so they take it out on you. Would see consider talking to someone about it? Counceller, friend, family member, etc.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I do hope she "turns around" for you quickly. Keep your chin up. You are doing okay!

Take care,

Nutty

 

[confused1]

I don't want to make light of your problems, but... could you come to my house and talk to my sons? They are almost 19 and 21. They won't leave home. I thought the older one was out, but he came back. Both say they are too worried about me when they aren't here and feel they are needed. Um, and could I make a quick quesadilla and some hot cocoa while I'm at it.

I'm glad your daughter is talking to your husband. Glad you have a husband who can talk to your daughter. I'm sooooo sorry you feel so ill and confused. I understand confusion. It is a part of my illness and from time to time makes me act like an absolute fool. Oh well, I'm never ignored.

Hang in there. You can always come here and vent. That helps more than anything.

Hugs and comfort,
Sunny

 

[Meryl2]

Hi all,
Thanks for your replies, they are so appreciated.
Spent the week-end resting, didn't even get dressed, but felt a bit better for it.
Daughter situation not much different, she came home last Friday, got a few things and went again, didn't say much, but I get the impression, rightly or wrongly, that I am to blame for my illness, she did tell my husband that she cannot cope with it. She is the youngest of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls, but there is a big age gap in between the others and her, they are 41,39,33 and 18.
I suppose we all have to come to terms with Lupus in our own way, but I will not be blamed by anyone for having it.
My Husband is trying his hardest to sort things out with her, but there is only so much he can do, and if she won't listen to him then she will have to go her own way. It is hard to let go, but I don't think I have much choice. We will let her know that the door is always open for her.
Anyway all, thanks once again for all your support, don't know what I would do without you.
Hugs to all
Love
Meryl

 

[Joandublin]

Hi Meryl

I just wanted to send you strengthening hugs ((((((Meryl)))))). It seems like you are doing exactly the right thing in not allowing yourself to be blamed for your illness, while at the same time extending the hand of support to your daughter should she decide to accept it.

Your daughter may be more than ready to fly the nest but even if she isnt at least you still have communication with her and your husband is helping this process.

Teenagers are notoriously selfish and just dont 'get' other peoples needs as a rule. They think the world revolves around them. Its just part of growing up. When she does grow up a bit, I have no doubt that she will be embarrassed at her own behaviour. In the meantime let her fly and take on a bit of responsibility for herself. It will make the 'growing up process' go even quicker.

Much love to you and well done for taking a stand!

Joan:rose:

 

[Meryl2]

Hi Joan
Thanks for your support and hugs, much appreciated.
Take care
Love
Meryl

 

[karen.w.]

"We will let her know that the door is always open for her"

I like that meryl you have done the right thing being firm with your daughter but also letting her know you will always be there

my youngest sister (30) always got away with everything with my mum,her being the 'baby' of the family & I know my mum often wishes she would have done things differently now!even though they do love each other dearly :wink2:

so well done to you & your husband meryl for dealing with a difficult situation so well!
You have been excellent advice from the others..I suppose I have got this all to come when my daughters are a bit older I will cherish the easy times at the moment!

take good care..karen x

 

[runnergirl]

Hi Meryl,

Just another MOM that understands you. I have a 19 year old daughter that live on the college campus but it's here in town and she is ALWAYS home. She always wants to know whats for dinner, do her laundry, borrow my things (then I have to search for them), complains about money and I'm the one with the $10,000.00 in college debt loan and it's only her first year. Yet, my joints ache so bad and all I can do is come and sleep after a days work.

She won't "get it" until lives through it. Honestly, I pray that she never has to learn. I truly understand how you feel. I use my husband as a sounding board and he's been so wonderful.

I love my daughter to pieces, she's my world...but she's an adult...when she comes with demands, I just look at her hands and say "your hands look good enough to make your own dinner...have it, see what you can find"!!!

I hope you feel better soon.

((((((((((((((((CYBERHUGS))))))))))))))))))