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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello.. so I am married to my husband for almost 11 years now with two children.. he works construction full time and when he comes home he helps me keep up the house work.. he will cook, clean rooms, do laundry and even the dishes on weekends.. and so I am of course blessed.. but with that comes (sometimes) negativity, some days he does so lovingly and other days he is draining.. the other night he approached me and asked if I really felt like I looked OR if I only looked like that when he looks at me.. I cried.. WTF I thought.. we talked for a long time.. and he said some days he feels overwhelmed with work and then when he comes home he is emtionally and physically drained at having more on his plate.. and I explained how I miss working.. how I enjoy cleaning and the like and how I hurt and I have self worth-anger issues because I am unable to do those things that I once did or enjoy doing.. the conversation, though filled with much emotion and rather long was well worth it... I needed to see things from his eyes and he needed to see things from mine.. and in the end we both started over with a new prespective.. but how long would that last before resentments came flooding back. Its not easy.. Well I guess I just wanted to throw this out there and wondered how many of you handle having a significant other and how you all handle your illness ...
 

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(((((Jenna)))))

I get angry a lot when I think of the person I used to be and fast forward to the person I am today. Your not alone in the anger and sadness that you feel about who you are and what you have been reduced to.

I miss work too, very much, and along with it the feeling of being a productive individual who brings home a paycheck to help pay the bills and is a EQUAL to my husband. I understand your frustration and how this disease can make us feel less then good about ourselves.

At the same time I understand that our spouses are frustrated too and tired because while we were getting sicker they were stepping up and adding more to their already full plate. It is not our fault yet I can understand the frustration they feel too and certainly they need to vent their feelings also.

I think all couples need to get away, without kids, to a place that makes us feel good even if it is only for one night. It can do the marriage a world of good.

I am sorry your feeling this way but I wanted you to know your not alone. Sending gentle hugs to you.:wink2::wink2::wink2:
 

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Hi Jenna,

I think you and your husband are on the right track. Communication is very important in a marriage. Being able to talk about your feelings and knowing what the other one is important. That way you both have the understanding of each other.

When my kids were little I thought I needed a spotless house. I soon found out that isn't possible. My kids wouldn't remember how clean the house was. They remember all the times you spent with them, which is more important than any clean house. Besides who cares what people think when they come to your house and it isn't clean. If they don't understand just don't let it bother you.

Like I told you in another post go out on a date night once a month,or more if you can swing it.

Having lupus is over whelming for us, I am sure it is for our spouses too.

Love,
Lyn
 

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Hi Jenna, I am glad you were able to have an honest chat with your hubby about things, it does help to communicate honestly.

I feel invisible now, like lupus has taken my identity, somedays I can cope with this and days like today it is hard. I miss working, cleaning and the supercharged whirlwind that I used to be!!!!! I miss the thin me!!!!

Still, I have learnt to count my blessings as well, I have a lovely home, two wonderufl boys and aloving supportive husband. I have time now, which I didn't have before.

I hope you can maintain this level of trust and honesty, lupus puts a strain on a relationship but it can also strenghten it.

Deb x
 

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You will most likely revisit this conversation many times during your marriage. I see it as a positive step. I would much rather have feelings out in the open instead of festering until they blow. Now that you understand each other you can work toward a solution that works for the two of you.

It might help to discuss which things you each consider essential to get done on a weekly basis. When my husband and I discussed this we realized we needed meals, laundry and a clean bathroom. Those are the areas we make sure get tackled. When we have the energy additional choses get done. The house is no longer immaculate and we don't care. We would rather have positive thoughts about each other than everything looking shiny and new.

Take care,
Lazylegs
 

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One of the best things that happened between me and my husband was him being on all fours with his head in the toilet from the flu for an entire day. Not that he was insensitive before that, but some guys are well…guys. They don’t get it. We are to be “Super Mom.” I waited on him hand and foot, took care of the two little ones (4 and 1), dinner, laundry, and dishes. The guilt worked. He understood that the way he felt for one day is the way I feel many days. He said if I could do all of those things for him while feeling like crap, then he certainly could do them for me. I told him that I don’t need a maid or pitty, I just need help once in awhile without a condescending look. Talking to him didn’t help. Puking his guts out did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Ah.. I enjoy when the opposite person in the relationship gets to walk in the other one's shoes for a day.. The appreciation that follows is simply put, nice.. that is until it fades.. LOL I guess that is when one hopes they get the "stomach bug" again!!:hehe:
 
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