[Karly1964]

:needhug: I am so tired of the pain, the eternal itching, the nausea, the medicine, the fatigue, the insomnia, the numb toes, all the stuff we have to go through, tests, tests and more tests. I see the opthamologist on Friday, shoot I lost my new glasses, who knows where they are? I have no idea. They're bifocals too, medicaid paid for them and I am not sure they will give me another pair or not. My eyes are itching so badly, my face feels like it is on fire, and I wish I could just sleep from rheumatologist appointment to rheumatologist appointment. So many of my friends have distanced themselves, and I am still not over giving up Keegan, everywhere I turn there's a Boston terrier or someone named Keegan. I have a lot of difficulty walking and so I am limited to where I go and how long I am out. I know I am not troubled by some of the more dangerous parts of lupus, but the depression that has come along with it is bringing me down. I got used to the shots, because at least I wasn't swallowing more pills. I guess I am feeling quite sorry for myself these days,:blush: I would just like to have a day go by where I don't feel so sad and lonely, desperate or at worst just want to crawl under a rock. I used to get on the computer and I would have lots of emails from all different people now all I get are spam and ebay notices where I have spent money I shouldn't have. Got to stay off of that ebay, because I am already short on money and I haven't even recieved my disability check. In the hole before I start. My fault of course, I try to stretch the money, but it sure doesn't go as far as I would like it to. My implant treating my chronic depression doesn't really take care of the depression that comes with chronic illness, it basically just keeps me from stepping out in front of a bus. I cry all the time, anything can set me off, a tv show, a thought, a commercial, nothing in fact, I just start crying and feel terrible. I am basically alone in this tiny apartment with the tv, and computer, this site is helpful, but I find I am running out of things to say except that I am so tired of it all. My family is busy and like I have said before people are angry withme because I gave back the puppy and now don't talk to me anymore. I feel so down and worthless.:worried: Seems like I don't have much to offer anyone. My judgement is way, way off and that and money don't get along well. Of course once I get down to nothing there is no more to spend.:wink2: I can at least pay my bills and get some gas and hopefully all of my medicine. Well, thank you for letting me whine and complain. Karly:foryou: :grouphug2:

 

[sunflowergirl2]

:grhug: Karly, sorry that you are feeling so miserable! I can relate, have been there myself! Are you recently diagnosed? Are you on anti-depressants? It's a horrible disease, but bearable (most of the time). Cathy

 

[Karly1964]

I was diagnosed in April 2007, have been on anti-depressants for at least 17 years, and have a vagus nerve implant to treat treatment resistant depression, have had ect (shock) treatments, been in talk therapy and still am, it just gets so overwhelming. Karly

 

[tbunny1]

:there: Karly honey - please try to be a little more gentle on yourself. People do care about you, and you care about others, even if you don't think you have anything to contribute.:wiggle:

:sad: You are fairly new to this depression diagnosis (April 2007), so I can't imagine you have tried all there is to try out there. Please, please call your doctor and let them know how bad your sypmtoms are getting. It is all so classic clinical depression (takes one to know one - I'm clinically depressed too!) - perhaps you are in too deep to see it.:wall:

This is another one of your medical conditions, that a physician can try to help treat. Think of it as a "depression flare". You would call your rheumy for a lupus flare, right? :dust:

:cheer2:Hang in there, and try to find something good today, instead of dwelling on tomorrow or yesterday. You can't change the past - it's done and over with. No matter how hard you try to plan for tomorrow, anything can happen to change all those great plans.

:clock: So that just leaves you today - just 24hrs -to do something different. If you keep doing the same stuff, you will continue to get the same results. Try picking up the phone and calling someone and talking about them only. Write someone a letter. Go to a used book store and trade in your old books for something new (good use for those new glasses you are getting!)

:sunny: Think about all the great garage sales coming up this spring and summer - shopping all day on 5.00! Perhaps investigate a different pet, a small bird maybe?

:flower2: Remember, you are a beautiful child of God, and therefore someone really special. :love2: Be well - Tracy

 

[Karly1964]

Thanks Tracey, I am new to the lupus diagnoses, 17 years with the depression diagnoses, been on so many drugs, treatments, and have had surgery for an implant in my chest that stimulates seritonin in my brain for the depression which has worked uo until now, you have some good ideas that I will try. Karly

 

[Taree]

Hi Karly. Sorry you're having such a rough time. do you think it's the insomnia driving the depression?
I've recently booked myself for classes I'd always wanteed to do and even started jewellery design again. While I know I'll never have "normal" sleep it has improved along with my state of mind. I did have to force myself instead of making up excuses why I couldn't/shouldn't or just didn't feel like it. Tracy is 100% spot on! Please try something new or even outrageous... it does wonders for the soul!

Hugs and Love!
X T X

 

[helloos]

I am sorry that you aren't feeling well still.

I just can't understand why your family/friends are not understandable about you not being able to care for you puppy. You were so happy to get it and they had to see that and you cannot care for it now and it was a very difficult decision for you to make, but you made a decision that was right for you and for your puppy. Some people do not do that and the puppy suffers. You should give yourself credit for also putting your puppy first too. You have to do what is right for "you" and forget everyone else.

As far as your depression, I hope that you are keeping up with your therapy and letting your doctor know how you are feeling. Sleep is very important and maybe they can help you with that.

I found something that was quite relaxing and keeping my mind off things. Putting my ipod on my ears and listening to music and playing some computer games. I like the puzzle ones and the ones that are said to make your memory better, etc. maybe you should try something like that and maybe it will help take your mind off of things for a little while. There are so many free games on lines to try and play.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Karly1964]

Yeah, I have Maj Jong, not sure if I speeled that right but that is definately a memory, stradegy game. And the rock shop is looking like someplace I want to go sometime soon, when the weather gets nicer and my car gets fixed I would like to go to the zoo in the capital and take loads of photos, maybe see a movie as soon as I get some more money, my pet deposit back. I also emailed the spoons story out to several of the people who have not been understanding and hope it will help them see things a bit better. I want to also build a display area, or case for some of my paper collection, post cards, ink blotters, quill pens etc. I am working on keeping busy and my mind stimulated. Karly