Hello.. so on top of having Lupus and the symptoms that come along with it and my other medical issues at hand I am also trying to take care of my family. It has been a trying last few years for me. I have always done everything for everyone and never asked for anything in return.. instead I focused on walking and running as my means of coping with the pain and struggles.. I would walk many miles a day.. any where from 4-7 until my flare up hit again a few months ago and I have been down for the count ever since.. in the beginning I found it hard to accept and struggled with the changes I faced at that moment.. finding different ways of handling things such as art, yoga and music and knowing that with time came change.. I started eating healthier and added medication to my daily routine of getting my life back in order. The medication did help and once I began to lower my doses all the symptoms came right back and now they have upped them once again.. and while I do feel better my emotion status has taken a huge hit. Just in the last five days I have had to travel 3 times to far away doctors, I have had to watch my son literally pass out do to his illnesses and my daughter struggle with her illness that has caused her anxiety.. my life is filled with "medical" things.. and while I do have a loving and caring husband, he is non-existing through out illness.. what he does do is work full time hours, he helps clean around the house and is a wonderful dad but when illness strikes and the kids need the support through it, he hides because he can not handle watching his children suffer.. so I do. And I carry the scars for the family.. I bare that pain. My husband is now struggling with major depression and clings to me to help him get through and so once again I put aside all my ails and do what I feel a loving Wife and Mommy should do.. All I ask in return is to be able to to RELEASE the adrenaline that comes along with it all. I want to walk, I want to run.. I need it.. and yet I am stuck with the pain the fear and anxiety and have no place to put that adrenaline.. it musters inside and causes havoc. Last night I hit my wall. I wanted to run.. I wanted to and when I tried my body failed.. I sobbed in regret for attempting and for pushing my body and sobbed because I felt like a failure.. I felt weak. Today I met with my Rheumie.. he understood.. he was compassionate. . . and while he offered a listening ear and some support, I got no answers and so I am home now ready to nap and thought that I would at least find comfort in this website.. and that no matter how emotionally beat I am, you all understand.