martyb25;527123 said:
Hi Magpie,
Just from a man's perspective I've got the same problem with dating. I'd been dating a girl for about 6 months and during that time we had a very solid relationship. We discussed getting married, having kids, we rarely ever disagreed, went to church and had introduced families to one another so it was very serious. About 3 weeks ago I began having more and more medical issues. My liver and kidneys began weakening and shutting down and I found myself in and out of the hospital a lot. My mom and grandma both died of Lupus and she knew that and although I have not been officially diagnosed my dr. did say "if i were a betting man I'd say you have it." Anyhow, I told her that we should talk about it and we had a serious talk about the what if's. She told me she was there for me and it didn't bother her...the next day I never heard from her again. I can't tell her how much that hurt. I guess the moral of my story is I wouldn't wait too far into the relationship. If I was going to date you I'd want to know up front, at least within the first few weeks. I feel like if you waited to long to tell him, even after he truly loved you, he could feel trapped/betrayed that you knew this the whole time and didn't tell him. Seeing what my mom and dad went through I have now given up on dating because if I do indeed have Lupus and my liver, kidney, heart are all being affected I know it's something I don't want to put anyone else through. If you tell someone up front and they stay with you anyhow it will only make things better in the long run. They should do the research so that they understand what to expect from you. If they love you they'll be there by your side.
I hope your health issues have improved some. My grandmother also died of lupus and my mom has had a very disabling battle with it for my entire life. I never even considered I might have it until 4 years after I first got sick... weird how things work out, eh?
I agree with what you said... I tell people as soon as I realize I want to start dating them... I sort of hint at all of my bad early in the beginning. Some people are against that and say that there's no sense in sharing but you best believe that I'd rather know a person's good and bad at the same time rather than months into the relationship.
I am a clinical therapist and that was my personal opinion even before it became my professional opinion...
I try and be sure I bring it up before I get into a big flare... I have to cancel social engagements a LOT... I'm going through that right now with Junior League. There's always a party or a volunteer activity or a meeting and I just can't keep up... I haven't told them about my lupus yet... so it just seems like I'm flighty and irresponsible. Not that I like the term "excuse" but at least having that conversation with these people let's them know that I'm just trying to take care of myself as best I can right now.
The same with dating... I could run myself ragged for months trying to live life at his pace or I can tell him, "look, I have lupus, I'll send you some info if you want it but it mainly just makes me feel like I have the flu so I have to rest a lot and I can't be in the sun or stressed out...any questions?"
I choose carefully as to who knows... and sometimes, I regret sharing b/c a lot of people can't handle it... and I don't blame them... I ddidn't plan on it either... ha. It's a huge committment to be in any relationship, let alone one where you automatically complicate things with 1000s in medical bills, inability to complete "normal" everyday tasks, possible hospitalizations, etc... but, I try and believe that when it happens and I find the one... we will be strong enough as a couple that those things will be accomplished...
Sorry that I'm not optimistic... I just know that I'm a pretty big critic of others... for example, I will not date a guy with a mental illness/addiction... just won't do it. So I sort of understand how others wouldn't want to date me for a health-related issue...
Keep us posted on your dating adventures, I think I'm getting ready to rejoin the world too!