[Magpie]

I've been divorced for two years now and have decided to begin taking dating more seriously.

What I need help with is when to bring up the Lupus. I hate talking about it with people, though sometimes I do, because I don't like to be thought of as weak or needy. On the other hand, I'm afraid of getting attached to someone who is not prepared to deal.

Any suggestions or experiences?

Maggie

 

[Maia]

I've not dated with a lupus diagnosis (was married just 6 months before!) but my thoughts on it would be to wait a few weeks to a few months before discussing lupus unless you feel comfortable discussing the subject before then. This way, you have some time to figure out how much you like a guy, and how much he likes you. Enough time to know that he is a keeper in your eyes, but not too much time to feel like you're withholding important information from him.

There was a thread last year about this, but after a brief search I had a hard time locating it. Maybe someone else will have a better memory than me & be able to find it. There were lots of good opinions and thoughts in that thread - that much I do remember!

Good luck with this - I'm sure you'll find a great guy sometime soon.

 

[lazylegs]

Hi Maggie,

I think this is the thread Maia was thinking about. I hope it helps.

http://www.thelupussite.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65346&highlight=dating

Take care,
Lazylegs

 

[Katharine]

I remember the thread being good, not sure which one it was but I found these two

http://www.thelupussite.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69345&highlight=long

and another (very short)

http://www.thelupussite.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68991&highlight=long

Katharine

 

[hattycat]

when i started dating a guy, my friend's told him about lupus, when i wasnt around. Very briefly as not to scare him...

 

[Magpie]

Thank-you both for those links. There was a post from Derek who I think is a man that I took most to heart. It's all so frustrating. I wish I had someone to bounce this off here at home. You guys are turning out to be fabulous! I'm feeling ever so slightly less overwhelmed!

 

[Katharine]

Hi again,

Yes, I think Derek's post is very true when he(?) says that you wouldn't want to be defined by your lupus and that it is good to let someone see who you really are before telling them that you have lupus. People's judgement can easily be skewed by things like knowing someone has a disease and it does tend to fundamentally change the way they interact with you, the "sick" person - I used that word intentionally as I never consider myself sick and I think that is very true for many people here.

Katharine

 

[onetay]

Hi Magpie,
I would think if it is just a date, than have fun, if it starts feeling like a little more than that would be the time to bring up the lupus. That is just me though. I myself am not dating as between the lupus, work, and my daughter it would not be a doable thing at this time. I wish you the best in the dating thing and would like to add that with a disease or not dating is a difficult thing to do with anyone( the fear of being hurt all over again). Take the time to know the person and maybe with doing that you will have the answer if they can handle it or not.
Tammy

 

[Salopsally]

Hi Maggie,
Im divorced for 12 years and I would be dating if I could get one lol. Just kidding.
I have done internet dating and general dating in the past but not really since my last big flare and diagnosis 2 years ago.
I understand your worries though. I too worry about it. Im not sure how I would cope with a full on relationship with this fatigue.
I have told potential dates that I have it. They usually are completely in the dark as to what it is and I usually find a simple explanation is best. Then if they are really interested in me I have found they have looked it up for themselves to find out more about what it would mean. Most people seem to be very sympathetic and caring in the first instance.
Probably is good advice to leave it till after you and them have decided you really like each other though. I dont know about you but mine isnt that obvious and I could get away with looking ' normal 'on a short date lol. I might have to explain when they make a date to go on a ramble or a bike ride or something similar.
Well.. good luck with it. If you get any spares send them over lol. Preferably tall dark and handsome and extremely rich. :wink2:
Luv Sal x

 

[martyb25]

From a guy's point of view

Hi Magpie,
Just from a man's perspective I've got the same problem with dating. I'd been dating a girl for about 6 months and during that time we had a very solid relationship. We discussed getting married, having kids, we rarely ever disagreed, went to church and had introduced families to one another so it was very serious. About 3 weeks ago I began having more and more medical issues. My liver and kidneys began weakening and shutting down and I found myself in and out of the hospital a lot. My mom and grandma both died of Lupus and she knew that and although I have not been officially diagnosed my dr. did say "if i were a betting man I'd say you have it." Anyhow, I told her that we should talk about it and we had a serious talk about the what if's. She told me she was there for me and it didn't bother her...the next day I never heard from her again. I can't tell her how much that hurt. I guess the moral of my story is I wouldn't wait too far into the relationship. If I was going to date you I'd want to know up front, at least within the first few weeks. I feel like if you waited to long to tell him, even after he truly loved you, he could feel trapped/betrayed that you knew this the whole time and didn't tell him. Seeing what my mom and dad went through I have now given up on dating because if I do indeed have Lupus and my liver, kidney, heart are all being affected I know it's something I don't want to put anyone else through. If you tell someone up front and they stay with you anyhow it will only make things better in the long run. They should do the research so that they understand what to expect from you. If they love you they'll be there by your side.

 

[KarolH]

I agree with Marty. For me if I were dating (I am married) I would lay the cards on the table relatively quickly after establishing how much I liked the person.

No sense in wasting your time or anyone else s........Life is short!

 

[SingleGirl]

Hi Magpie,
Just from a man's perspective I've got the same problem with dating. I'd been dating a girl for about 6 months and during that time we had a very solid relationship. We discussed getting married, having kids, we rarely ever disagreed, went to church and had introduced families to one another so it was very serious. About 3 weeks ago I began having more and more medical issues. My liver and kidneys began weakening and shutting down and I found myself in and out of the hospital a lot. My mom and grandma both died of Lupus and she knew that and although I have not been officially diagnosed my dr. did say "if i were a betting man I'd say you have it." Anyhow, I told her that we should talk about it and we had a serious talk about the what if's. She told me she was there for me and it didn't bother her...the next day I never heard from her again. I can't tell her how much that hurt. I guess the moral of my story is I wouldn't wait too far into the relationship. If I was going to date you I'd want to know up front, at least within the first few weeks. I feel like if you waited to long to tell him, even after he truly loved you, he could feel trapped/betrayed that you knew this the whole time and didn't tell him. Seeing what my mom and dad went through I have now given up on dating because if I do indeed have Lupus and my liver, kidney, heart are all being affected I know it's something I don't want to put anyone else through. If you tell someone up front and they stay with you anyhow it will only make things better in the long run. They should do the research so that they understand what to expect from you. If they love you they'll be there by your side.

I hope your health issues have improved some. My grandmother also died of lupus and my mom has had a very disabling battle with it for my entire life. I never even considered I might have it until 4 years after I first got sick... weird how things work out, eh?

I agree with what you said... I tell people as soon as I realize I want to start dating them... I sort of hint at all of my bad early in the beginning. Some people are against that and say that there's no sense in sharing but you best believe that I'd rather know a person's good and bad at the same time rather than months into the relationship.

I am a clinical therapist and that was my personal opinion even before it became my professional opinion...

I try and be sure I bring it up before I get into a big flare... I have to cancel social engagements a LOT... I'm going through that right now with Junior League. There's always a party or a volunteer activity or a meeting and I just can't keep up... I haven't told them about my lupus yet... so it just seems like I'm flighty and irresponsible. Not that I like the term "excuse" but at least having that conversation with these people let's them know that I'm just trying to take care of myself as best I can right now.

The same with dating... I could run myself ragged for months trying to live life at his pace or I can tell him, "look, I have lupus, I'll send you some info if you want it but it mainly just makes me feel like I have the flu so I have to rest a lot and I can't be in the sun or stressed out...any questions?"

I choose carefully as to who knows... and sometimes, I regret sharing b/c a lot of people can't handle it... and I don't blame them... I ddidn't plan on it either... ha. It's a huge committment to be in any relationship, let alone one where you automatically complicate things with 1000s in medical bills, inability to complete "normal" everyday tasks, possible hospitalizations, etc... but, I try and believe that when it happens and I find the one... we will be strong enough as a couple that those things will be accomplished...

Sorry that I'm not optimistic... I just know that I'm a pretty big critic of others... for example, I will not date a guy with a mental illness/addiction... just won't do it. So I sort of understand how others wouldn't want to date me for a health-related issue...

Keep us posted on your dating adventures, I think I'm getting ready to rejoin the world too!