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A few weeks ago I had a couple of weeks which I could only describe as "grieving". I found myself thinking about all the people I have spent time with in my life and the joy and sadness we shared along the way, particularly my old school friends, and I thought that I may not see any of them again. I had a sort of panic attack and felt deep grief. For me it was totally irrational to have these feelings. I was very down for a number of days.

I got over that feeling until today when I was watching TV (Last of the Summer Wine) and saw some wonderful views of the Yorkshire Dales. I started this panicy feeling again and thought I may never see such beautiful countryside again.

Am I losing it? I'm frightened that my brain is being affected. I've developed a typing dyslexia, hampered by my chopped finger (a cooking accident) and my sleep, never good at the best of times, is getting very irratic.

I can understand the sleep thing as I am worried that I might lie on my finger and undo the hospital's work in stopping the bleeding (sorry, so graphic) but this irrational grief/fear is very new to me.

I'm no psycologist but could it be the grief of losing a "normal" life? Something which I will never have again? Is it that I'm just going batty in my old age?

I haven't had the courage to tell my husband as he is not the most sympathetic of people and I'm quite alone in my management of disease (undxd therefore husband thinks there's nothing wrong with me).

I have my new rheumy appointment on 25/03 so may be I'm worried that after all these years in limbo I'm going to be left in limbo for a while longer while all my notes catch up with me from Worcestershire.

Sorry for the essay but I'm unsettled to say the least.

Hope you are having a good evening

Love Judi xx
 

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hello judif

do not worry you are not loosing it when i was first dx 6 years ago , i had pannic attacks i always thought i was dying and ran to the er .....it took a while to understand it all and i was given clonzepam for my attacks ...i too do not have a sympathetic husband up until today he thinks im fine ......imagine that .....but i learned to cope own my own and beatiful friends ,....im flaring as we speak and i have to go see my docs on wednesday ....i feel for you it took a while for the docs top even beleive me its crazy but thats how it is ...do not worry this is a wonderful sight lots of people here who care and understand ... iwas on the chat the other day and met clare ,zoi,and a few others they are just great ,when you need to talk go to the chat they will listen ....and pray ...
you will be ok ......

mkhs4:)
 

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(((((judi)))))

I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough time :sad:

your finger sounds painful :eek: I hope it heals quickly!

Judi I don't think you are going batty at all :) I think you are right in saying that you are going through a grieving phase..I know I can certainly relate to that.(although I'm no psychologist either :) )

the loss of our health is like grief & unfortunately it's a process we need to go through in order to accept it :sad: if we ever do :rolleyes:
as you said its the loss of your life as you knew it...& the grieving emotions: anger,denial,depression,a yearning for what you have lost,disorganization etc they are powerful emotions so try not to be too hard on yourself.

judy have you got any close friends,family members you can talk to?
I think you need support at the moment,especially as you are left in limbo regarding a diagnosis,that doesn't help.
of course you also have us members here who fully empathise :)

best of luck with your rheumy appointment,hopefully if you are started on some medication that will also help things.

sending you big empathetic hugs judi
take good care..karen x
 

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Hi

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling better just by writing it down and trying to rationalise everything.

My best freind lives nearby (most fortunate we were posted to this part of the country as we have been separated by 200 miles for more than 20 eyars! whoops, years) but I don't want to burden her at the moment as she is battling to get the education department to fund her daughter's education at a special school (nearly there - just waiting for which school), she herself has PCOS, diabetes, ME, thousands of allergies and a mother living with her who has overcome breast cancer. MY problems are nothing compared to hers. Her sister has MS, to crown it all.

I must admit I'm the one doing most of the counselling....

I'm usually strong and have a deep faith but this "brain storm" has unnerved me. I suppose I'll chalk it up to experience of this dratted illness.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I am grateful to have you buddies here to "talk" to.

Much love

Judi xx
 

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Right now I am going through the grieving thing too, especially since having to take my puppy back and just feeling terrible. I am grieving the activities I used to do, the friends I used to have, the peace of mind that I had, and the fact that I didn't used to be a major pill popper and injecter of methotrexate. I think it is not uncommon for someone who has a chronic illness to go through bouts of grieving, about any part of their life before the disease. Just to let you know you are not alone. Karly:grhug:
 
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