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521 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I have been in here chatting and posting. I felt the need to speak out to some of the most understanding people i know in this world. It is always a comfort to know and to be a part of this website.
Its been 4 yrs now i have been dx'ed and on a regular regime of medicines and doctors visits. I thought after a while it would be easier to deal with but i know now it isn't.
There is so much i could tell you but i won't take up a lifetime with all that.
I just wanted to share with you my morphism.

:lol: I have morphed into someone, something that is not the person i know.

I went to a gathering with my husband a few days ago and became deflated soon after by certain things i felt during the event.

It was a beautiful event and all the people were fantastic.

There i saw a 70yr old woman whom just had Chemo the week before, walking around, getting up and down from sitting with no struggle. No pain,, speed to her walk and bounce in her talk in an outfit i could have fitted into 4yrs ago.
Now when i stood up, it took me a minute to straighten up and to walk 100ft to my destination. I was a bit wabbly, but i made it. But i sat for the rest of the evening.

Thats another thing! why is it i can walk on the treadmill for an hour but for the rest of my days feel like i just glued myself back together. Those being the good days:)

You don't have to answer that :)

I heard my husband talking with her (70yr old grandmother of the son we were celebrating) about me,, all i could here him say was She this and She that. As he looked my way he said Yes, we are talking about you and winked. His favorite line is,, she has her good days and bad days. With all the medicine they have her taking she manages most days. :) I smiled and gave a brief summary of what he was saying to the woman i was chatting with. from the look on her face you would have thought i told her i was dying tomorrow, she looked at me like she was talking to a corpse.
But it was nice to see and hear that someone whom met me for the first time (grandma) knows about me and cares enough to ask how I was doing.
When the evening was over i realized just how much i sheltered myself from people, gatherings and outings. Now I know why.

The next day I had 2 doctors appointments and the main subject i had to present to them was i exercise everyday and i have my husband to vouch for me,, but i don't lose anything. I think inside I was saying, 70yr old grandma can swing longer and harder than I can, even after chemo. But i work out !!!!! I take my meds!!!! i don't eat fried foods!!!! I BURN 500 calories every day!!!! Why? Because I want to look cute in that outfit again!!!!!! I want to be 70 and look as good, bounce that good!!!.. I want my old body back!!!!, I Want ......i.......I............:worried:

Complete deflation

Doctor number one said it might be because "i don't do enough".

Now girls, you know, if a man says to you (a lupie menapausal woman) are not doing enough, he better run.
So, My Dr. changed that statement, real quick with,......... or it could be because of your thyroid, so we are going to take some blood.

Doctor number two thought it could be what i eat,, that i should see a nutritionist or count my calories, but also the meds he has put me on some cause me to gain weight. and i'm not even on steroids.

This is where I shed my first tear, in doctor number twos office.With each bit of deflating news He kept topping it off the with, BUT YOUR EXERCISING IS VERY VERY GOOD. THIS IS GRRREAT!! (tony the tiger). KEEP WORKING AT IT. Your doing good,, right left, right, left,, you go girl!! (Oprah flash back)

Right! I"m totally deflated.

I told my husband, One day, my body is going to say, ":eek: Ooh"! that's what she was trying to do to me, by exhausting me every day and putting me through changes. Making me digest rabbit food while there is a perfectly good lonely piece of cake across the table. :rolleyes:I'm suppose to lose the weight! He got a good laugh from that, so did i for a minute.

Then I went upstairs and had a good cry. I haven't done that in a long time, and it does make you feel better. I need to feel better more often,, so i'm in search of a way to feeling better about this person i have turned into. Cope better.

After my cry I ate, and the next day I went to, yet, another Dr's appt like clock work.

Thank You for allowing me to spill all this ink on our valuable web page.

To all my sisters whose battles are much harder than mine
I love you, stay strong!!!

521 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hello Everyone,

Thank you sooooooooo much for all of your understanding and support. This is the only place i can come and believe it when someone says "I know how you feel".

I'll try not to be such a stranger her on the website. I believe that for every hug I have been given I have to give two.

There are some positive sides to each life i'm sure and it is the SPICE OF LIFE to have different people with different issues in the world.
We all cope differently.

Now I have 30 mins. before the pain meds and muscle relaxant kicks in good, so i'll have a little cry til it does, then i'll get on the treadmill.

I'm just thankful for having a place to go to be understood.

Thank you all again
I'll chat with you all soon.
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