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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My mom who is 83 has cancer of the liver and bladder. We don't know the prognosis yet, but I can't imagine it's going to be very positive.

My sisters and I have believed for many years that our mother suffered from Munchausen's by Proxy when we were children. She has convinced many doctors that she was deathly ill through the past twenty years. That includes two faked suicide attempts when she first married her second husband. To say my mom is high maintenance is an understatement. She is bi=polar and has hurt more people than I can explain in ways that I won't even begin to talk about.

Now we have to make peace with her approaching death. For the first time in her life, s he's being totally graceful. My husband, who was at ground zero of an attack by her two years ago, says he's not certain he can have her in our home, even knowing she's so ill. Actually, he says he won't believe she's terminal without something in writing from a physician or her actual dead body. I know that sounds horrible, but if you knew what a gentle, sweet man he is you would begin to understand what my mom is capable of.

I will probably be going to Phoenix late in August and staying several weeks to a month.

I'm trying hard not to stress about this. It's just another step in the journey. Just another step.

Sunny
 

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Hi Sunny

I am so sorry to hear you are having so much to deal with on top of your own illness((hugs))).I do understand the bipolar part somewhat because my daughters boyfriends ex has it and get worse when she drinks.So i could only imagine the abuse you have had to endure(((hugs))).I sure hope you take good care of yourself while you are trying to take care of your mother.I guess i cannot blame your hubby but at the same time it sure makes life harder for you.Please take care and i am praying things come out okay for you.

Tammy
 

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((((( Sunny)))))
This is such a dilemma even in more favourable circumstances. I wish you the strength to be totally realistic about the situation and not to feel guilty about the decisions you have to take. I recommend that you start keeping a diary about thoughts, events, reactions, the whole shebang. This will stand you on good stead in future when you will almost certainly look back and be very tempted to reproach yourself. Because one always is, however much one did for them, it can never be enough in our perfectionist eyes

I know that in my dealings with my mother I was very guilted by all the accounts I read about the most incredible self sacrifice not to mention sheer physical stamina that some people made for their aged sick parents and this is the image that we are continually presented with by all the media. Reconciliation, making peace, the good death ..... It may be like this for some people and their experience can't be denied. When it does work out it is only with the support of family living nearby who can share the burden and give respite to the principle carer. But for many the reality is very different. That isn't written about about because it doesn't make uplifting reading.
Even assuming your Mom is a reformed personality the burden of caring for a terminally ill person is tremendous even when they are not ever present in your home and even when all possible specialised care and nursing facilities are readily available, which they usually aren't.

People who are very ill and dying aren't always benign especially when they are dealing with their own problems, in pain, suffering the various physical and mental effects of medications.

Someone who has a daily struggle to maintain their own life and their family life and vital family relationships isn't in a position to take responsibility for another person's wellbeing however much they would like to. Inevitably the rest of the family is involved. It is also a decision that there is no going back from - you can't ask a dying person to leave your home
If your Mom is at all reasonable she will appreciate that. She also might not want to move from her familiar surroundings.
It is all very sad - mental illness, abuse, exploitation, growing old and losing independence, terminal illness, chronic illness, families being so far apart, all of it. We can only do our best which might not be anything like we would ideally wish to be able to do in the best of worlds. Many well people who have had good relationships with their parents are unable to take on such a commitment.

I hope you can have a very good healing visit with your Mom.

Lots of love and strengthening hugs
Clare
 

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(((((((Sunny)))))))

I am sorry to hear of your predicament. I will be thinking of you all. My Mum was diagnosed with Breast cancer 2 months after my wedding 3 years ago. I can't begin to explain the range of emotions that you feel at the time. Mum has always been very controling so our relationship was never great either but nothing compared to yours!
Since I started being honest with her about her behavior (in a nice way) we relate better. I think we understand each other better.
I sincerely hope your family can make peace with your mum and that you get some answers soon... please let us know how things are... make sure that you take good care of yourself and your family.

Love and thoughts to you and your family

Claire xxx:grhug::rose:
 

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Sunny

I will keep your mom, you and your family in my prayers. I know it is a difficult thing to be going through from all angles.

I hope that somehow you are able to take care of yourself first so that you don't flare yourself. The stress can bring on so many things.

Sending hugs and good wishes your way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you so much my dear friends. Your caring and support mean a lot to me, and will continue to as my family and I travel along this path. I'm struggling right now with some health issues that I didn't feel like posting earlier. In light of my Mom's diagnosis, it doesn't feel quite so dire.

I will keep you posted and from time to time will be back to vent and howl. In the meantime, you are all very special people and I will never be sorry for the circumstances that brought me to this community.

Sunny
 

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Hi, Sunny.
Sorry to hear of your Mother's illness.
Your mixed emotions are familiar and you are not alonein them.
Speaking as a man, it sounds as though you should listen to your highly intelligent husband. He sounds like someone I would like!
All the best with the visit.
Douglas+
 

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Hi Sunny,

I haven't replied before as I'm not really sure what to say other than I'm terribly sorry to hear about your Mum's illness.

As to relationships etc. families can be very difficult at times and I often hear people say "you can't choose your family, only your friends". As someone else has said you certainly need to put yourself first with regard to what you can and simply CANNOT do. A feeling of duty is all very well and good but if you are going to make yourself physically ill, it won't help a lot.

All that said, maybe you will be able to make your peace, maybe not. I'm a little sceptical about people "changing" but then I'm a great cynic. However, I do always take people as they come, at the time. I just don't stress about it. That's easy to say when you are not having to get physically involved in looking after people.

Sending warm hugs and thoughts, I know that whatever happens you will have done the best you could at the time and no-one has a right to judge you on that.

Katharine
 
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