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florie
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MY brother came for Easter to finally see my mother. He arrived on thursday and left friday night after a blow out. Went to a hotel and stopped by on saturday morning to say goodbye to us.

My brother is in denial as we all know. My mom was convinced by him that hospice was not for her. Hospice did meet with him and said my mom had possibly six months . He asked if he rented an R.V. to take her home with him to south carolina would it be okay. They said they would approve it with an R.V. for traveling. They added that your sister could use a break.

He then said he would not be home during the day he works. So they said they have hospice in South Carolina. It seemed to me he had put himself in a position that he really didn't want to do. He went back and forth to talk to my mom and convince her that hospice wasn't for her. I was sitting on my lanai with chip when my brother came storming out the sliding doors to attack me saying that mom told him that me and chip neglect her. Before he could get to me with his hands straight out and busting through the door chip got up and kept pushing him back inside. He then said to Chip,i have a gun and I'll shoot you. A few moments later the police came!

My brother called the cops..
They took both sides of the story and said my brother was leaving and getting a hotel room. I was mentally upset and asked them to take me to the crisis stabilization unit for counseling . I needed to get out of the house and talk to someone,even if it meant staying there. I told chip to call a nurse and check out my mom while i was gone. All she was concerned about was my brother. She said mean things to chip and asked where i was. He said the cops took her to the crisis center. She kept calling my brother.

When chip finally got to use the phone he called my daughter. She was angry about the situation and called her sister who came and stayed with Chip.(he was crying for me and my daughter came and stayed with him. Then after my time at the crisis center the therapist said i can call home and they would pay for a cab for me. When i called home chip was so happy that i was coming home and he and my daughter held hands during my call. My Son came to the house to go with chip to get me. My daughter stayed and waited for me to come home. (she did not go to my mother's room).

When i got into the police car they placed my pocket book in the trunk. I got in the back seat and told the officer i was not suicidal and felt like a criminal in the back seat. He replied if you were a criminal you would be in hand cuffs. I cried all the way there. When chip and my son came for me they both got out of the car and hugged me. When we got home i told my children to go home to their families i am okay. We hugged and said goodnight.

my mom has put some ugly things at me the next day. She said do you think your going to heaven? I said i know i am. Then she said chip should leave. I said if he goes i go with him. She has been cold to chip since. I spoke with her and told her very calmly. Mom i have done everything i can for you. I want to be respected and appreaciated. I am not going to tolerate any more of your little head games, and if things don't change arrangements will have to be made.

She is holding a grude against the wrong people. I am done with this. she asked me why i won't be her friend? She twisted my brother to feel sorry for her and turn against me. she cancelled hospice to please my brother and also my mom thinks i dont want her here, just because hospice told them i need a break. I said what is the big deal that i can use a break. I am a good person and have no guilt. And so on. So this is the way my easter was.

I have a therapist appt. on thursday. The crisis center e-mailed my therapist to inform her of the situation . So when i go there she will be ready to guide me and encourage me. What did i do to deserve this?
thanks for letting me rattle on. I am hurt and needed to tell my friends,for you are all my support. thank god for all of you. Florie
 

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I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your brother is clearly in denial and had better pull his head out of the sand box he has hidden it in.:mad::mad:

As for you my friend, I hope the therapy works for you and you find peace with all of this. You have done nothing wrong, everything right, and I agree if your mom is not happy then maybe other arrangements need to be made for the sake of everyone involved.

Hold your head high. You have done a great job and your a awesome daughter. Pat yourself on the back and I am so glad Chip is by your side to support and encourage you.

Your mom is not the only one that puts the boy on the pedistool while dogging the one who helps them. I told my mother to stop biting the hand that feeds her. Once I put my foot down and said enough of this crap.....I am not dealing with it anymore.............she has been super sweet.

Let us know how you get along and take time out for you. You deserve a break. Keep us posted as to how the therapy session goes on Thursday.:wink2:
 

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Dear Florie,

I am so sorry, your Easter was so upsetting, to say the least. I still have hope, your mother, will grow to appreciate your loving care, and you as a friend, and daughter.

I don't know..what to say about your brother, hon.

Please know...I am in your corner! I hope your feeling better now, Florie.

Love and hugs,
Sandy
 

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Dear Florie,
I am very concerned at these dramatic events. I hope you can find some peace. Your conscience is clear.

x lola
 

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Dear Florie,

What a horrible experiance your brother put you through. You have done so much to help your mother, while it sounds like he has done so little. I am glad you stood up to your mother, it sounds like you told her a few home truths. If your brother was so concerned about the situation why did he leave? it sounds to me like he realised just how much he would have been taking on if your mother had gone to live with him. There is a saying that the best form of defence is attack. well it sounds like your brother attacked you to hide
the fact that he doesn't want the responability.
Please remember that you are the innocent party in all this. You have been patient, kind and selfless whilst others have been incredably selfish. It is time to look after yourself in the way that you deserve.
I hope that your appointment goes well on thursday. until then take care of yourself and get lots of rest.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs

Elle x
 

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florie
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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you everyone for your support.
All you have said is the truth. Yes i am a good daughter,person and not a door mat.

My therapist was very supportive of me too. She said my brother should apoligize to me and Chip. She was glad i went to the crisis center and not suicidial. I let out alot of tears during my visit with her,alot of anger,and i just guess i was still on an emotional rollercoaster.

My brother gave up my support with hospice. He calls and acts like nothing is wrong. If i answer the phone he will say hi and how are you. I say okay and you? Then he asks for my mom.

My therapist said he is in denial,and hopice doesn't mean your dying.People have hospice for 10yrs before they die. Now were back with infinity and she gets the nurse 2-3 days per week(which is sorry for me) Breathing ocutherapist, and physicall therapy 2 days a week then 3 days a week. Everyone that has come back is not happy with my mom's (brother) decision.

I have to set up her weekly meds now. Keep a list of any new ones. Call the drugstore when she's low on med's. And she has to pay for her meds now.

Before she turned in tonight she said i hope i feel okay in the morning. Well looks like she is trying to make me feel sorry for her. She has finally warmed up to chip. But , she is just pretending because i told her if it continues she will have to make arrangements. She said the next time she goes in the hospital she won't come home but go to an assistant living facility. Why not go now i feel like saying.

things are just a mental mess for me. But i have nothing to feel guilty of. I am a good person and i know in my heart i have done everything i can for her. She has turned into a selfish old sick person that i don't know anymore.

I will see my therapist again in 2 wks.
Thanks for all the hugs and support.
luv, florie
 

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Continue with your therapist. This is very helpful for you.

You have so much on your plate with your mother as I do and it can cause a lot of stress and really bring you down when they are difficult in personality and so demanding and let us not forget the fact that brothers can do no wrong in their book.:mad::mad::mad:

Hold your head high, your a awesome daughter and remember to take time for yourself and Chip.:wink2:
 

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Oh Florie,
My heart aches for you. I totally understand your position. Your mom is lucky that she has a place to stay. Perhaps one of the other caregivers can ask the question of her that you can't....... go to assisted living now. They would not take her in most places as she needs hospice care. If she cannot manage her meds, getting up and out of bed, either to the dining area or preparing her own for meals, bathing and dressing herself, then she is not able to be in an AL facility. She would need a "nursing home". I know, the dread of everyone, but they are there when you need the help.

I am glad your family rallied for you. You are right, that your brother is not helping, but causing more problems. I think you would do well to let your mother's doctor know what happened about hospice.

If your mom really wants to, you may need to let her go live with him. Let him find out how it is to be the sole care giver of a person who is chronically ill. He ought to have fun doing her daily/weekly med set up, planning her meals while he is gone, and then taking time off work to get her for medical visits, while arranging for all the ancillary care she needs, etc. Would love to be a fly on the wall when he figures out how much work and how little thanks caring for her can be at times.

I am glad you got the support care you needed. Dealing with stress is hard at the best of times. Hopefully your home life will settle down. I hope this weekend has helped settle things down. You are a very good and caring daughter. Not many people are as lucky to have a daughter who will move them into their home and care for them.
Sally
 

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florie
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Discussion Starter #9
I cried when i read your wonderful thoughts of me. It helps to know that people out there understand what i am going threw. And it gives me a lift every time someone says i am a wonderful daughter.

Since the incident i do not feel that what my brother did and how he took over with out any regards for me. This will put alot of space between us in the future when my mom is no longer here.

If he really cared and thought i was neglecting my mother than he should be making plans to take care of her himself. But no, he has no plans on our mother moving in with him, he talked with her about a living facility. Why doesn't she see the good child and all that i have sacrificed for her? but for some reason my brother (mr know it all) will continue to live his life and his freedom and never never know what his sister puts up with. He could never live in my shoes for even 1 week...

I have been mentally exhausted after all this stuff, and felt like i had some sort of virus or flu. I slept for two days on and off, and still made dinner and washed clothes in between. He thinks calling mom 2-3 times a day is doing his job as a son? I am deeply hurt and this has been playing a number on my mind. Everyone in the medical feild that comes knows what i am going threw and her doctor was upset with the hospice change.

My brother made every excuse not to take her home. Like I work all day. He has his own landscaping business and does not have a big cliental. During november he goes hunting soon as hunting season starts. How would he like to give that up to care for his mother. I am so fed up and still shocked at his non support for me with our mother.
Thank you so much Sally for your support.
hugs to you, florie
 

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Hi Florie,
I am in a similar boat. My brother chose to burn his [genius iq] brain out on booze and drugs. I refer to myself as an only child who wasn't raised alone. So, I have gotten to pick up all the pieces. It would frost me when he came home on his rare visits and everyone would act like he walked on water and kept his feet dry! Regardless of the fact that I was the one who did the giving of my time, while he showed up and expected the adoration he got. So, I understand your plight.
Sally
 
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