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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
Sorry I haven't posted for a while, its been a very hard couple of months. As some of you might recall I had a lump in my breast and had to go for tests. Fortuantly the results were negative which was a huge relief as you could imagine. Sadly a few weeks later my children lost their daddy in a car acccident and things have been compleatly thrown up in the air. We are all managing as much as we can and hopefully the pain will ease in time, but it is so hard for them. My youngest,who is 6, has been having trouble sleeping and it seems to be getting worse. She gets so upset every night and she is becoming so tired that she is finding hard to function properly in the day time. I have tried so many different things but nothing seems to be helping and I just don't know what to do next. If anyone could give me any ideas or advice I would be so grateful.

Elle x
 

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Oh Elle :( ((((((((hugs)))))))) that must be so hard for your kids (and you).

I really don't know what to say or how to help. I don't have any experience of such things with children at all.

I hope the others have some suggestions for you,
again hugs to all :grouphug2:

Katharine
 

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Hi Elle

Time is a great healer,when my daughter lost her gran she was 6 years old and they were very close,like you i did not know how to handle the situation.
I was told by a friend who had had similar thing to allow her to grieve and sit and talk to her, we told her that gran was with the angels but everytime the bright star was out that this was her gran looking down on her. It did work and eventually the temper stopped and she became less aggresive.
No one can wave a magic wand and make it all better,but just be there for her and give her your support and love.
Sorry for your loss
Hugs from Sandy
 

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((((((((((((Elle)))))))))))

My deepest condolences for the loss of your husband... This must be an incredibly hard time for both the children and yourself... :(

My dad died when I was seven years old and I, like your daughter, had trouble going to sleep at night. I don't remember much about it but my mother has often told me of how she'd sit beside me and talk to me so I would go to sleep in my bed and how a bit later I'd get up, go to her bed, wake her up and wouldn't let her go back to sleep as I wanted to talk through the night.

I was also very angry. That I do remember very well; I can't tell you exactly who I was angry at or what, but everyone paid for it. I got into horrible fights at school with my classmates, hit other children and didn't get along with anyone for a while.

I can't tell you how it stopped either; but I can assure you that it did. Along the way at some point I started making friends again at school and very slowly I stopped getting into fights and being so mad. From what I've been told the sleeping thing went on for about a year (that's about as long as the aggressive behaviour and the being mad lasted too) and it was pretty much the same dance each night; I'd get up unable to sleep and want to talk and my mum did. She talked to me all night about my dad, the person he was, how much she loved him, death and love and life. One night about a year later (and I remember this vividly) when she decided that a good time had passed and was too exhausted to cope with my non-stop questions all night when I got up from bed and went to her again and asked her "why did dad die?" she replied "I don't know. I love him. I will always love him and so will you. And no one will ever forget him. But he is gone. And we are not. I am alive and I need rest to work and take care of you. And you are also alive and so you will go back to bed now because the living must not, cannot spend their whole lives with the dead".

As a child and as a teenager I thought this very harsh on my mother's part, after all I was a little kid who'd lost her father, but I see now that she was absolutely right and you know what? It worked. It really did. I went back to bed by myself that day and started sleeping through the night again. I never went to mum with such questions again. See, unbeknownst to me my mum had been going to a child psychiatrist to get advice on how to best deal with me and get some guidance and help on how to help me get through the other side of the grief and the sadness and he had apparently told her that children sometimes need to have the distinction between the living and those who are gone emphasized to them in no uncertain terms; that it helps them be less afraid and to separate themselves from the ones they lost, as well as to worry less about losing the only parent they have left; I know I was very worried about that for a while, that I could be left all alone if something happened to my mum and more importantly that my mum and dad weren't invincible like I thought parents were; that life ended like it began; it's all very hard for youngs kids to understand. I don't know if the psychiatrist was right in what he said but certainly abstract things like death and disease and accidents, things one can't touch or see or smell are very hard for young kids to grasp.

I believe the most helpful thing anyone did for me during that time, was give me time, all the time I asked for and then some to deal with and process his loss. I can't even imagine the amounts of patience and love this requires especially when you have lost your partner too and not just your children's father and so you too are grieving but it was incredibly helpful and also a constant im my mind. I could cry, shout, be a bit out of control and mad at the world and I wasn't told off for anything I did nor was it discussed; it was like it didn't happen, like a grace period of sorts. Whatever happened at school or whatever was going on in my head I always, always went home to an incredibly patient, loving, emotionally stable parent (of course I had no idea how stable that parent really was and how hard my dad's loss had hit her, she just didn't allow it to show that much in front of me)

I think both you and the kids need time, lots of it, to come to terms with this incredible, sudden and very painful loss in your lives but of course that's easier said than done...

It might be a good idea if you are worried about your daughter, to talk to a child psychologist or psychiatrist and get some guidance on how best to help her... But she will get through this; I promise you she will...

Sending all of you loads and loads of strengthening hugs Elle and I am so very sorry for your loss :grouphug2::grhug:

Zoi
 

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Dear Elle

Im so sorry you and your little children are having to deal with this trauma at such a young age. Its so unfair and very hard on the little ones. Take heart though that, sadly, many young children learn to accept and deal with trauma and come through as wonderful human beings - just look at our Zoi ;)

The only thing I wanted to add was my experience of living with a very distressed child. I am a foster mother with an eight year old boy who has been living with me now for over four years. He had a very traumatic start in life and although I knew him well from birth, when it came to the separation from his mother it was very hard for him at times. I remember there were nights when he sobbed and sobbed and nothing I could do would comfort it. I remember thinking at the time that this little boy would never get through this and being very worried for him and for myself trying to deal with it.

But you know something? He did get through it. He got through it with patience, love, hugs and reassurances. I didnt try to make it okay for him. I just couldnt. I let him cry and I was there for him when he fell asleep sobbing. It was very difficult at times.

However he is now 100% happier and much more confident. He accepts things as they are and even manages to joke about how awful his home situation was at times! Honestly! He knows he can talk about his feelings if he gets sad but those moments are getting few and far between. Time is a great healer and although its a cliche, its an absolute truth.

You cant fix this for your little girl and you shouldnt feel you have to. Let her cry and agree with her that it is unfair. Let her be angry and sad. Six year olds are very resilient and although they may be heartbroken one moment they have an astounding ability to continue on with their lives in many other moments.

I think I've rambled a bit and not really helped perhaps. I just wanted to let you know that it WILL get better and until then just be her rock.

Much love and strength and condolences to you
Joan:rose:
 

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Dear Elle, I am really sorry to hear what has happened. I have no idea how to make this better,but I do know that you need support too and I hope you are getting some.

It sounds corny but do remember for your Daughter that physical exercise can help a lot with mood and sleep. I am sure the last thing you want to do is go swimming or to the park with her but it may be worth it.
x Lola
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thanks for your offers of help and support. i am detemimed we will get through this but its just so hard. there isn't a day that goes by that we dont cry but we also smile and remember the good times too. thanks for being there for me.

Elle x
 

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((((((((((((((((((Elle)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so very sorry to hear of your husbands passing :( :hugbetter:

It's devastating to lose him like this and so suddenly - how very sad for you and your children :(

I lost my husband in an accident very suddenly almost 2 years ago now. Don't ask how my children and I have coped but please know that yes with time it does get a bit more bearable. My children were much older than yours (22 and 19) but it was still very hard on all of us as we were a close-knit family. In the end I think that's what helped us through, that and other family members from both sides and also some very dear friends. Surround yourself with those that care about you and your kids Elle, it helps.

I found that after a couple of months I took up the offer of counselling - before that I was still quite numb and really didn't think it was needed. I only went a few times but it helped me realise that everything I was going through was very normal, it allowed me to cry, get angry and all those other things we do when we lose someone so unexpectedly who was dear to us. It gave me permission to do that, when I was being so strong for everyone else - so do allow yourself that luxury Elle if and when you feel you need it.

If things don't settle for your youngest then there are also family bereavement counselling sessions that might help.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Elle..............so very sorry (((((((((Elle)))))))

love
Lily
 

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Hi elle! I'm sorry, I cant imagine what that little girl and you are going through. I hope it gets easier in time! I dont know if this will be much help but i agree with Sandy, you should tell them something (fairytale like) with a child that age. I dont know about your daughter but i was a nanny for a short time and they had a 5 year old and she just felt like a little princess so anything to make them feel more special i think would help a bit. Also, My grandpa passed away (i was 18 so not quite the same) and i went through a major depression, the lupus on top didnt help. I honestly locked myself in my room for about a week. came out for the funeral and that was it for about another week. My mom and Grandma sat me down and we just talked, looked at photo albums and it helped alot. My grandpa's birthday was a couple days b/4 thanksgiving also so every year we make it a point to remember him. I think it might help her (and you) if you both sat down and maybe set up a day (doesnt have to be the day of his death) to remember him. look at pictures watch home videos. My nephew and grandfather were also very close. My sister just told him papa is in heaven with the angels protecting you and looking out for you. I'm not sure if any of this will help, i hope you get some good advice and i am happy you came here to talk to us about the issue. Once again, very sorry.
 

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Hi Elle

I just could not pass by this post without saying how sorry i am for your loss of your husband slash dad and i sure hope you continue to come here for support and really hope you are getting lots of family support also and friends((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))).You have already gotten lots of wonderful caring advice and support from here so just wanted to let you know i will be praying for you and your family(((hugs)))).

Tammy
 

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I lost my dad when I was 12. I found the night time to be the hardest too...I slept with his picture for a long time. I'm 44 now and I still miss my daddy. Maybe sleeping with something of his will make him feel close again..it helped me. See if talking about their dad helps...maybe sharing memories of the good times will help keep him alive in their hearts. I really feel your pain, I hope time will ease the pain and loneliness.
 

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So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a couple of years ago , we nursed him at home he had motor neurone disease and my 2 yougest children 4 and 2 years were at home and when he died at home they took it very badly especially the youngest one. the not sleeping, nightmares and them being unsettles lasted for 10 months until i had had enough and was put intouch with a bereavment counsellor who came out to the house to see the kids. she was very good and left me books to read to them which helped them imensely. it was just what we needed and since then the kids have been fine well they still have there moments as we all do but they started to settle down again and sleep and get on well at school and nursery etc. think the fact they couls speak to someone outwith the family was the key, although the lasy didn't nesseserary talk about the death she got to know the kids spoke about everything and some how managed to mention there grandad etc. there were no bereavment councellors for mnd so we had a lady who was a macmillan nurse/ counsellor but she was brilliant. Hope this helps and who knows maybe it might be what you need? worth a try maybe? Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time, remember time in itself is a great healer although that will be no consolation to you at this sad time but it is true. lots of love , Lesley xx
 

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Elle, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is really a tough time I know. Not only do you have to deal with your pain, but also with the pain your children are experiencing. I know when I lost my sister, my kids had a really hard time as they loved her dearly. I know I hated to hear it, but time does seem to lessen the pain, but it never really goes away. The thoughts are just not as painful.

This doesn't compare in anyway to what your daughter is experiencing, but I think the ending might help. My daughter (12) went to a birthday party and they went to the show to see "Prom Night" (which was rate 14 Adult Accompiament, so they should not have been let in). Anyway, I guess the movie was all about brutal murders. Well my daughter did not sleep in her own room for months. I spent the 1st month sleeping in a lazy boy chair and she slept on the couch, which is about the same distance from her bedroom to ours. Then she finally moved her in to our other daughters room. She went away for the summer and my sisters had to sleep with her every night. Then our two girls got into another tiff and the older say (again) you're not sleeping in my room. So hubby had a chat with her to see what her fears were and she said "I hate being alone". So, he said to her, "when you are loved, you are never alone" And miracoulsy she slept in her own room the next night. We have to leave the big hallway light on, but it is worth the cost of hydro at this point. I'm thinking something like that might help your daughter. It may take time, but I think it might help.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling at 23 (car accident) and another at 43 (hep C) so I have a little idea of what it must be like for you.

Do take care and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Nutty
 
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