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Oh My...I am so sorry for how you feel. I have felt that way myself...kind of like I have a reserved seat on the express bus to H$#*.

In reality, no matter how good or bad we think we are, we are our own harshest judge.

I am sure you are NOT NOT NOT a bad person, otherwise you wouldn't try so hard to help all of us here on the board...truly bad people couldn't care less about the pain and suffering of others.

I tend to spin my own actions so they seem bad, even though they are good. I hope you can find the good in yourself, as I am sure its in there, your just covering it up with guilt.

Love you - feel better - Stephanie
 

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Oh Flutterbye

Your post really touched me. I am so sorry that you feel that way, I am sure that it isnt true. I can identify with what you say about feeling worthless, I feel like that sometimes. I struggle to do basic everyday tasks that others take for granted, and I ask myself what I contribute to my familys life now. I have always been the one who looked after and now am the one having to be looked after. For me that is tough and I struggle with my feelings about that.

I am not trying to ramble on about myself but wondered if maybe the lupus was responsible for your feelings in more ways than you realised. It isnt just that the illness can cause depression, anxiety etc, its the things we lose and have to give up. Social events, work, household chores etc and not everyone understands.

I really hope that you have friends or family that can help you through this difficult time, but we are here for you anytime that you need to talk.

Sending you good thoughts

Deb
 

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Dear Flutter

Please, please, please contact your doctors right now. This really isn't you talking, it's the cursed lupus.

I know for a fact that you are a very fine person, not perfect but who on earth is. You also have other things to deal with. I wish I could be with you right now. You have many friends here who care for you and about you. I am never friends with bad people I assure you! We have known each other a long time

So please pick up that phone ! Or emergency services.

Caring & strengthening Hugs

Clare
 

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(((((((((((((((((((((((((Flutterbuy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I just want to second the others. You ARE a worthwhile special person, and that you are feeling like this is very likely a sign that the lupus is messing with your brain.

Please get help as soon as you can.

And keep posting:blush:

X C X
 

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Dear Flutter,
You really do need a Doctor right now. This does not look like it will get right by itself and you are clearly suffering.
What I would really like is to hear that you have made an appointment to see a Doctor you know and trust.
Could you please do that?
x Lola
 

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I'm going to be boring and chime in with the others.

Please please get in touch with your docs right away. If you are feeling this bad about yourself it needs URGENT attention.

All of us here who know you know that you are a very wonderful person. I have never met this person you are describing is, she certainly isn't you!!!

Please get in touch with the docs now, you owe it to yourself as a very worthwhile, wonderful person!

love and hugs :hug:
Katharine
 

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I have to admit your post made me cry,I can recall feeling like this but I did go and sort it out with my g.p.who was a great help and very sympathetic to my case, You do need to see your g.p.and explain how you feel ......and I am sure you are a wonderful person inside and out ,:flower2:

Ellen xxxx
 

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((((((Dear Flutterbye))))))

I'm joining the queue to tell you to please please call the doc right now.
You are not a worthless person. you are a beautiful person who is so caring and compassionate to others. You don't deserve anything bad to happen to you.

sending you lots of gentle hugs.

Elle x
 

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Hello 'Flutterbye'

Your post has really, really bothered me. I think the others are quite right that a trip to the doctors is the order of the day.

You have had rather a lot going on recently and it makes sense that you might be struggling anyway, even if you did not have lupus.

Remember you are a survivor.

There are things that can happen which make us feel worthless. We can bod along nicely for a while and then these feelings can surface almost randomly. You are not alone. You are not bad or worthless, but a colossal great big piece of something extremely valuable and special.

You have had some tough knocks and you've done some tough stuff and you have

my total respect.

Hang in there and get yourself some help. Even if it is ringing the Samaritans for an annonymous verbal weep and letting it all out session (I thoroughly recommend that one.)

I'll be hanging in there for you and willing you to find even more strength.

Take care.

:love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love:
 

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Oh Dear Flutterbye,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I empathise so much with you at the moment, I just would not have been as brave as you have been to come out and say it. I have been rock botton too and feeling really isolated, what you said really touch a chord with me.

I just want you to know that actually you have every right when dealing with this awful disease to feel like absolute rubbish and feel sorry for yourself.
But don't blame it on you, it is not your fault, these things tend not to happen to people without hearts and soles and patience and love inside them as they could never cope with all that has to be put with.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PERSON​

Is there anythng if you could do anything that you could think of that might make you feel better. It's hard to make recommendations ot someone else you don't know. But maybe put on some music, having a good cry and sing to let off some steam and then turn up the tempo and dance around the living room. When I used get depressed alot I used to rely on music too help change my mood. I had music that would make me cry if I needed to cry, music that made me feel free, music that got me going when I needed motivating.

Then when you have let some of this awful stuff off your chest maybe there is someone you can have a chat to.
For me it is very hard to talk about things when I feel that low, I kinda of have to come a couple of depths out of depression to actually talk about it.
I have called the samaritans just to have a cry and to talk to someone who didn't actually know me!

And when you feel like a chat to your gp to fill them in on the situation.

Please just take care and please pm if you want to I really don't mind. It helps me to feel worthwhile if I can help someone else feel a bit better.

Please take care of yourself! :there: :hug:

Cassie :)
 

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((((((((((Jen)))))))))))

Oh Jen :( this is Lupus talking not you, so please I think it's time to talk to hubby and not pretend everything is ok, clearly it's not :( :hugbetter: You need to see your doc sweetums,

love
Lily
 

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Flutterbye

You do deserve kind words! I really hope that the steroids help and quickly. Taking some time off work sounds like a good idea. Sometimes we just need to focus on ourselves and getting ourselves well. Please dont say that you are bad and worthless, your hubby knows you well and if he says it is the lupus then thats what it is. Its a cruel disease sometimes. Go see your doc next week and tell her how you feel.

Join us in chat or Pm me or someone anytime you need to talk.

Sending you loving hugs

Deb
 

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Dear Jen :hug:

Im glad to hear from you and that you are going to see if the steroids help over the weekend. If they do and you feel better, write down what happened, how your feelings changed about yourself, etc. Having this kind of record as a reference when, or if bad times come again, could help a lot.

When we are feeling so low it is very hard to take on board compliments or nice remarks about how good a person we are. The awful spiral of self loathing is often that the more someone tries to tell us we are good and nice and deserving of all good things, the more we react against it and it can cement in those nasty feelings of self loathing.

I guess, for now, you will have to take a leap of faith and trust other people's judgement on this. I'm a clever old clogs and I know from your participation here on this Forum that you have one heck of a 'good' character. Im sure, like all of us, you have done things you regret - thats just life. I have lost count of the things I wish I hadnt done or said but, c'est la vie.... It doesnt make me a bad person - just someone who doesnt always get things right. Actually it makes me very human really.

Underneath it all you are a fundamentally good person who trundles along with a good heart and soul. So if you wont to throw that one back you better have a good aim cos it will roll off me!! ;) They dont call me slippery hands for nothing!

You hang in there dear girl and I hope the steroids give your Lupus a good heck of a kicking.

Much love
Joan:rose:
 

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Dear flutterbye

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. :there:
But you have made a big step by talking to your hubby and asking for more treatment as that's so difficult to do when feeling that bad.

I agree with everyone else you are a lovely, caring lady, that has always come across in your posts. and we can't all be wrong here :wink2:..this is not 'you' talking now but a mixture of your disease and maybe some depression. too...please do see your GP when you feel up to it.

good luck with the steroids, please keep us updated.
sending you big comforting hugs :grhug:
love karen x
 

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Hi Jen,

You are definitely not a terrible person. You were so helpful to me when I needed advise about Rituxan and you have supported so many others too.

It sure sounds like the Lupus has control of your emotions. When it happens to me I tend to get all weepy, feel worthless and like such a burden. Once the disease is back in control my outlook is much better. I think once the Prednisone starts helping you will see things differently.

Take care,
Lazylegs
 

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Hello Flutterbye,

The first time I took a high dose of steroids I could not believe how all sorts of old resentments just went away. I felt so different. Makes me think I sabotaged at least one good relationship in the past due to Lupus brain!

Also I don't know if you have APS but I was told at St. Thomas' that there is a definite sub set of APS patients in whom increased steroid doses also benefit the APS symptoms.

Joan is quite right, you do need to write things down.
Good Luck over the weekend and Thanks for the Update!
x Lola
 

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Flutterbye,

Just reading all of these responses from people whom you have helped and who care for you should tell you what a valuable and person of worth you are.

This disease is so crummy..it can make you resent everything...even yourself. I do hope the steroids kick in for you and you begin feeling better so that you can talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.

Please keep posting and updating how you are getting along. Sending you some healing ((HUGS)) in the meantime.

Sharon
 
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