Saying goodbye...how?

1042 Views 17 Replies 13 Participants Last post by melissar, Mar 16, 2009

melissar

Discussion Starter · Feb 3, 2009

Hello, I lost my mom on Jan 14th, and my mind still won't accept that she's gone. I miss her so much, but the thought of her not being there anymore just doesn't seem to sink in. I feel so lost.

I used to get frustrated with at times, but I never minded taking care of her.

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Joandublin

· #2 · Feb 3, 2009

Dear Melissa :hug:

Im so sorry to hear of your Mum's passing. I know how much you cared for her and how you spoke so well of her and how you advocated for her when she was unable to do it for herself. Your life was very wrapped up in your Mums and I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.

Its very early days Melissa. The loss must feel so overwheliming. Time will help but the world is never quite the same with your Mum not in it.

Believe me you will adjust and learn to live with it and you will find more and more happy days as time goes by. But for now I just wanted to send you special thoughts and condolences.

I looked after my Mam for some time before she passed away and I also got frustrated at times. Its completely understandable and very normal as many people in the same situation can tell you. Make sure you dont let any 'guilty' feelings eat you up. You did all you can and you looked after your Mother with love and respect.

Much love and strength to you at this very difficult time
Joan:rose:

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KarolH

· #3 · Feb 3, 2009

I agree with Joan as time does make things easier and helps heal our wounds.

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother.

I know she is at peace and free of pain not to mention she is in a beautiful place.

I will say a prayer for you that you find strength to get over this life hurdle.

Take care of yourself.

LolaLola

· #4 · Feb 3, 2009

I am sure you did get frustrated at caring for your Mum sometimes. Caring is very, very hard work in every way. I hope you don't feel that you did less than your best though. I am sure you did a fantastic job. I lost my Father a few months back, totally different circumstances and I wasn't as close to him as you to your Mum. What I found quite difficult (and still do a bit) is that awful sense of waste, and trying to make a meaning of it. I don't mean in any spiritual way. (I am a Christian but keep fairly quiet about it out of respect for the beliefs of others). I just mean from the point of view of how his life could have been better. He certainly had enough money to be comfortble and not have to watch what he spent, and for a long time he was very, very healthy-but he was lonely and an extremely difficult man. Many fine points but some strange ones too!

When I was feeling bad recently after his Inquest, I thought a lot about it and the only strategy I could come up with for me was to persist in doing all the small things, getting up, feeding the cats, etc. etc. until the meaning starts to come back a bit. I hope this helps you.

You also need some sort of cermony of your own, maybe give a donation in her name, or by yourself something which you will always associate with her. Only you will know what is right. It is very early days for you yet. If I canhelp at all, I am here.
x Lola

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melissar

Discussion Starter · #5 · Feb 3, 2009

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.

I will be doing a memorial service for her at the nursing home where she lived within the next couple of weeks, and then I will have another one in Colorado for our family and her friends out there. My coworkers and friends have donated to the Lupus foundation in her memory instead of sending me flowers. I figured that would do more good.

onetay

· #6 · Feb 3, 2009

Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, it has been 7 and a half years since I lost my mom and my dad. I still find myself when I am very excited picking up the phone and trying to call to talk to her. I don't mean to make you sad, only to let you know you are far from alone. Like you I was the primary caregiver for both my parents. I believe that forms a very special bond when you are the child and the parent and one is the caregiver of the other. Of course there is a natural bond but it seems to go even farther. This is a very difficult time for you, so remember to also take time to take care of yourself. It is very nice of you to be the one to do the memorial service at the nursing home and then again for the family and friends. Please tell your coworkers and friends thank you very much for their donations, what a selfless act for them to do. It will mean all that much more as they are in your mothers memory, and gifes of the heart. If you need to talk or anything please do get in touch with me, I am here for you anytime you need me. I hope that with time comes healing for you, your heart, and your family. I will say a special prayer for all of you for strength in the up coming weeks, I hope you don't mind.

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Lily

· #7 · Feb 4, 2009

(((((((((((((Melissa))))))))))))))) such a very sad time for you

:hugbetter:

It's still so raw and new to you and as Joan said it will take time but things will get a little easier. You will never forget her, she will always be part of you and everything you do..............but it will get bearable believe me.

Your Mum was such a lucky woman to have you, you did so much and gave of yourself when she needed you. I was so impressed by the way you handled things in her time of need :foryou: so don't feel bad about anything. You did far more than most do and that would have made such a big difference to her.

lots of love
Lily

Sage Hen

· #8 · Feb 4, 2009

Melissa,

I am sending my condolences, for your loss of your mom.

You were a very good daughter, to your mom, and I admire that. I know your mom, knew how very much, you loved her.

Sending you my love and comfort..(((Melissa))).

Sandy

mysharonna

· #9 · Feb 4, 2009

Melissa,

I just wanted to send you my thoughts, prayers and condolences to you during such a difficult time.

I am hoping time helps heal and this sad memory can be filled with memories of happier times you and your mom have shared.

Take care,
Sharon

lin

· #10 · Feb 8, 2009

i just wanted to say how sorry i am, and to let you know , i know how it feels, its horrible, and never feel you should of fdone this or that, i did, but you know what we do the best that we can, and you know we are all human too at the end of the day,

this is early hun for you, it will take time to come to terms with your loss, after all they are are mum's, im glad your having a memmoral for her, thats nice.i am thinking of you, and never feel gulity ,you did lots for your mum

sending you a hug Lin xxxxxxxxxxxxx

keebler

· #11 · Feb 8, 2009

(((Melissa)))

Your post touched my heart tonight.:hug: I know that feeling all to well.

We lost our handicapped daughter the week before Thanksgiving 2008. It is still hard to think that Candii has passed away. She was total care for my hubby and me. Now it is this big empty hole where Candii was. You are right times it was frustrating, but I think of all the happy times and the kind young lady she was. It all seems like a bad dream and I am going to wake up and Candii will be here.

I know how you are feeling. Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time, but you will never forget your mom just like we won't forget Candii. You were a wonderful daughter to your mom. She must of been so very proud of you.

Please take care of yourself,
Lyn

melissar

Discussion Starter · #12 · Feb 10, 2009

Thank you all so much for the support and words of kindness. It helps more then you will ever know.

Lyn - I'm sorry to hear of your Candii, and yes, it does leave such a big hole in the world where that person used to be.

Today is my first day back in the office after my sugery and her passing. I imagine it will become more real to me as I get more into my "normal" routine of things....and I don't want it to be real. But I know it is.

Lupus sucks!

melissar

Discussion Starter · #13 · Feb 11, 2009

I'm meeting with the preist on Monday to plan the memorial ceremony for my mom. I'm so scared, I don't want this to be real to me. I don't want her to be gone. I want her back so much. I miss her and I just haven't let myself deal with any of it yet. Sounds really stupid I know.

Joandublin

· #14 · Feb 11, 2009

(((((((Melissa)))))))

It doesnt sound stupid at all. Of course you dont want this to be real.:worried: Its so very hard to have to face up to the all the things that need to be done at this time.

Do you have anyone else that can help you with all of this? It sounds like you have a lot to take on and it would be really helpful if there was someone who could shoulder some of this burden with you.

I wish you much strength to face the days ahead. The only advice I can give you is to think that you are doing this for your Mum - more as a way of celebrating her life and the fact that she was your Mother. Sometimes those thoughts will give us just enough strength to make it through what we have to do.

I will be thinking of you through this very difficult time. Its very hard.

Much love
Joan:rose:

LupusLyn

· #15 · Feb 11, 2009

So Sorry

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mother.

I'm sure she was very special to you as my mom was to me.

My Mom passed away 10 years ago now at 69. She was my best friend. I also took care of my Dad in my home for 3 years. He passed away at 73.

You will feel lost for a awhile, but just take it one moment and one day at a time. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Grieve in what ever way it is best for you, and take as long as you need. You will feel like you have a empty spot in you heart for awhile, I'm sure.

It will help you to keep busy, it helps if you have less time to think.

Time is a great healer, life does get better again, never the same, never like it was before, but time does bring a new "normal."

You are definately in my prayers!

Lyn

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elle-co

· #16 · Feb 11, 2009

(((Melissa)))

First of all I want to send you some hugs and say that I am so sorry to hear your sad news.
Losing someone close is the hardest thing anyone has to go through. Wanting them back or struggling to cope with them passing is not stupid. I lost my soul mate and the father of my children in august and there isn't a day that goes past that I haven't missed him with all of my heart.
I know its hard to believe right now when things feel so raw, but time is a great healer and this pain will ease.
Take each day as it comes, dont be afraid to cry, and remember your mum and the wonderful times you had together.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Elle x

babbles515

· #17 · Mar 13, 2009

I am sorry for your lost

Dear Melissa
I am sorry you are hurting so, I lost my dad last year, I was with him when passed, it still hurts, I miss him everyday, but I just try a remember the funny times we had, and the goodtimes, the hurt dosn't really go away it just changes, I talk to my dad everyday, I hope he hears me, you will be in my thoughts and prayers, Terri

melissar

Discussion Starter · #18 · Mar 16, 2009

Thank you all for your replies and support.

Terri, I talk to my mom everyday too and sometimes I feel the tears just roll down my cheeks. I hope she hears me and she knows how very much I love her and miss her. I'm also sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. I lost my dad when I was 18, but some how it's so different losing my mom. I'm not sure if it's because of her illness and how much I took care of her or just the difference in my age. I just have to believe that she's up in heaven and happy...and most of all pain free.

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