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Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

***

Clare

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:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

:lol: Clare, that's great!
 

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worms yuk

Very appropriate, our not so cute kitten/cat (10mths) has just deposited a lovely fat worm over my daughters..who has just come home from Uni...backpack.. it fell out as she picked it up, with a loud scream...oh yuk, why is this ginger menace.(the cat not daughter) such a hunter???? I hate to think what the next thing will be..so far worms, frogs and toads. disgusting :(
I should have called her Brutus, not Tallulah!!!
 

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Clare,
It sounds as if you know exactly what our cats are like. This is a real hoot!
Am going to show it to Glenn as our carpets and rugs have had a fair bashing lately from cats and puppy.

x Lola
 

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Claire, Ginger cats are very, very special. I have had several and loved them dearly but have to say of every cat colour it is the Ginger ones who will always do something to surprise or shock you.
Enjoy Tallulah!
x Lola
 

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:lol::lol::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
:lol:


Sandy
 

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:rotfl::rotfl:that was such good advice will try this week,not to sure about the beetles though. will it work just as well with worms.My problem was i am on the dog diet,eat as much as you can wen you can and allways nick food of unatennded plates. Thanks for the great tip.:wink2:
 

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Hmmmm ... certainly sounds familiar.

My lovely cat is a small long haired domestic tortoise shell (mangy moggy).

She only washes her paws and nose, so I have to cut huge patches of matted fur out of her pelt on a weekly basis. This make her look like a Catweasel type of cat. Remember him??

Anyway, back to the point ...

She hunts incessantly, then brings living creatures into the house to teach us how to kill them by placing them in the middle of the sitting room when we are all watching TV. Then after loud meowing to make sure we have all seen her, she begins the lessons.

(After much careful consideration, I have decided not to follow your diet plan, Clare. Don't know what it si - just don't seem to be able to get motivated somehow... :sick:)

Her preferred method of killing is by removal of 1 toenail or inch of tail at a time. The more her prey fight back, the longer she lets them live. She can bat a mouse 2 foot into the air, so I suppose the stretching exercises help her keep thin too..

She has learned to leave the heads of mice nicely nipped off by her food bowl because that's where we kept putting her kills. We did, after all, get her to keep the house mouse free, because we live in the back of beyond and the mice enter our home in the winter when wild food is in short supply.

The house is now mouse free, so she has to go further afield to get them for us. And bring them INTO the house.

A few months ago she excelled herself by delivering, with much thumping and bumping about, a large, live rat. It was fighting fit. Oh how happy :eek::eek: we were trying to get out of the same room, then locking her into the cellar for the night cos she had lost the thing in the cellar wall cavity.

She is very good at collecting slugs around her bottom and in her tail fur too. I suppose they are dessert. But it is a BIT of a sickener when she comes in, jumps on your lap to greet you, then does that .... now I am gonna turn round and shove my backside in your face thing she likes to do. ... Yeeeuuk!
 

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Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww :sick: I don't know which is worse; the idea of the diet or Alwin's cat - poor Alwin, she sounds like a mixed blessing :rotfl:
 
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