Hi Mooks and Alisiajo,
I hope it is OK with both of you to adress this to both of you? I thought about splitting it off into two threads, one for each, but your concerns are pretty simmilar, and also what I want to say in response....so:wink2:.
The desire or drive to have children is something that for most women (and to a lesser extent men) is very strong and persistent. My cynical view is that it is a trick of genetics and out hormones to keep the species going, but why doesn't matter really when it is something you really want.
The trouble is you can't get kids at the supermarket, or order them online

, probably just as well

, but it remains one of the things we just can't plan with certainty that it will happen. The reason it might not happen might be lupus related, or might be from other problems.
Statistically we know that there are lots of things that can be done now, incomparison to 40 years ago. Good medication can get the disease more stable, APS can be treated, IVF can help in cases of infertility, and scans can identify and 'rescue' unborn babies in distress. Still, all these things don't change the chances from 0 to 100%. For example with APS treatment the chance increases from 10 to 70%, but that is still 30% failure, and if you fall in that 30%, the statistics don't matter, because to you it is a tragedy.
So, how do you live life, plan, hope?
I think you have to find a way to hold on to the hope of what you want, and to learn to want what you get. That is especially hard when you face disappointment, but you really do have to feel that your life as it currently really is is a life worth living, even if that life is currently childless and maybe pernamently childless.
I'm not saying that that is easy - I struggle with this issue too pretty much pernamently, but I firmly believe it is important, not just for you, but for your relationship with partner and friends, and also for any potential child. No child deserves to be born into a situation where they are not 'wanted' but 'needed'. So, however you do it, you need to come to a point where you can honestly say 'I'd dearly love to have a child, but if it never happens we will cope, and we can still be happy'.
Then you do everything you can do be as healthy as possible, and lower your stress as much as you can, and take the necessary steps towards doing what you want to....
All the best,
X C X