What is me and what is the wolf?

584 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by helloos, Sep 23, 2008

cherryred

Discussion Starter · Sep 19, 2008

So some of you may have seen (in introductions) I am newly diagnosed. Having lived for many years undiagnosed, finding out that I was actually sick has raised some questions for me.

I find myself trying to disentangle the disease from who I am. Yes I am an introvert by nature - but now I am left wondering how many times did I leave a party cause I was tired from the Lupus and how many times did I leave cause I was just tired of the company :blush:?

I have battled with the "vaugue feelings of worthlessness" as the one text described it. I always thought it was cause I was a highly self-critical person, but perhaps sometimes it was more about my lupus then my introspective nature?

Luckily I never fell for the "you're not tired, you're just lazy" accusations - I always knew I wasn't a lazy person (well maybe on a Sunday afternoon with a book)

On the one hand - I am grateful for the diagnosis - It has made all the bits and pieces "fall into place" and helped me better understand the days when I thought to myself "really what is wrong with you?!" 8).

On the otherhand now I am left sifting through (emotionally and spiritually) what is really "me", and what is symptoms & side-effects of an unknown and unnamed disease that I heave dealt with for so long, that I simply assimilated as part of "me" ? :worried:

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Maia

· #2 · Sep 19, 2008

I don't try to sort it all out and clearly define certain parts of me as due to certain causes/conditions/personality traits. I'm just me, and it doesn't matter to me (or probably anyone else) if I leave a party because I'm tired or because I'm an introvert. In the bigger scheme of things, it just doesn't really matter.

What do you hope to gain by trying to figure this all out? It's probably multi-factorial and not just one thing or the other... that would be my answer to your question at least!

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cherryred

Discussion Starter · #3 · Sep 22, 2008

Thanks Maia .

I guess taking it all as me gives me one less thing to worry about :rotfl:

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KarolH

· #4 · Sep 22, 2008

Hi Cherry,

Welcome to a great place.

Try not to let Lupus define who you are as a person.

It is confusing and there is much to learn but knowledge is power and I think the more we learn about our disease the better equipped we are to handle it.

It is a catch 22 that when you receive a diagnosis you feel better being able to put a name to it and yet frustrated and confused all at the same time.

The folks here on this forum are knowledgeable, supportive and truly care about everyone. It is like my extended family. I don't know where I would be without these people.

Have you been started on any meds yet? Once you get on them and give them time to work I think you will start to feel better.

Hope to get to know you better and again, welcome to a great place.:wink2:

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LolaLola

· #5 · Sep 22, 2008

Dear Cherry,
I think Lupus and APS ruined a previous relationship for me. I thought I was being perfectly logical at the time.
I do understand why the diagnosis has made you look at past events differently.
x Lola

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Jesse88

· #6 · Sep 22, 2008

Hi Cherry,

Being newly diagnosed myself I understand your question so well. Knowing whether you left those parties because of your lupus or not won't change anything for you, but it will give you an answer, and answers often make things seem a bit better, even if it's not always the answer we wanted. You may be one of those people who feels a bit more in control of the situation when you have the answers you need to help you define and sort things out. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'll also be interested to hear if others have experienced changes in their personality that they can now attribute to lupus.

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cherryred

Discussion Starter · #7 · Sep 23, 2008

Thanks everyone

Yes I think Jesse explained it best "but it will give you an answer, and answers often make things seem a bit better, even if it's not always the answer we wanted"

I am defiantely a "sorter" of information - I like order. I guess trying to figure it out helps. Hopefully I can learn better how to listen to my body and when to stand my ground and say that is not who you are, that is just a disease.

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helloos

· #8 · Sep 23, 2008

HI there.

I understand where you are coming from. We are all different and we all have to sift through our emotions when finding out we have Lupus. An emotional roller coaster. What ever works for you to be able to "accept" what is happening and not be hard on yourself - DO !

I can say it has taken a few years for me to get where I am emotionally. I have learned to say "no" to things I could not do rather than force me. I don't get stressed about different symptoms that pop up. I see it, if I need help or to talk, I come on here and I talk to my hubby about it. Then I let it go. I was the type of person to carry it all on my shoulders. NOt any more. There are different methods I use to let things go now.

If I have to leave a party because of my illness, I leave. I know it is because of my illness and am ok with that. No hard feelings. At least I got to attend it for some time. There are things I don't get to even attend. So if you see me there, considered yourself blessed to have my presence :rotfl:.

But I know it is the illness because my mind and heart wants to be there. There is nothing wrong with my mind :wink2:and don't anyone contradict that one !! :lol: Ok, I mean we all have hearts and minds that we want to do something and want to be there, but our bodies prevent us. That is what I am trying to say.

So don't be hard on yourself, but if you must separate things for your own peace of mind and acceptance, than it is ok to do that.

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