Thank you so much for all your kind words and support, they help to make me strong enough to maybe finally accept.
Since my last post I have spoken to my dad who has come with me to see rheumy in the past, who tells me that rheumy said 2yrs ago it was sle and blood clotting problem. ( I don't remember that at all although at that time was extremely ill, with clot).
Also been to see the gp that my hubby spoke to who said that my diagnosis of sle hasn't changed in 2years and its time I faced up to the fact. Have a feeling she is right, boy do I do denial well!!! Although this stupid memory loss and brain fog really doesn't help.
Trouble is I am so rubbish at explaining accurately at explaining my symptoms exactly. I turn into a gibbering idiot in the doctors office, despite having made careful notes. This time despite wanting a clear outcome I have left with the promise of taking anti depressants in new year to help me adjust to living with lupus. While to be honest I don't think this would hurt, I don't feel it is the total answer.
When I read others post I readily identify with a lot of how others are feeling and how symptoms are affecting them. How to explain the frustation that the fatigue causes, when things I never even thought twice about now have to be planned and spaced out.
To be honest I really believe this illness is something you can't understand unless you have it. For example I have caught a cold at the moment and as usual it has set off all kinds of wonderful lupus symptoms, joints, muscle weakness, bizarre spaced out feeling and not knowing where things are - horrible.
Still I do believe in positive thinking, and I am grateful for friends who have stuck by me and my wonderful family. Also now too for having found this site which has been such a help. Thank you so much.
Sorry for going on, hope I don't annoy you all with my pathetic woolly headedness!!